do you let 10yo go to sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

My kids do sleepovers, but they also have friends who don't. I don't ask why because it isn't my business. My kids don't think their friends are weird or exclude them by talk of what happened that weekend. They are taught to respect their friends' house rules or cultural differences. It isn't that hard to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think PP is just a mean girl all grown up. It has to be her way or you are a weirdo. Too bad she never matured.

[Anonymous]

My friend was never allowed to spend the night growing up because her mother is Cuban and it wasn't a cultural norm there. This along with other cultural mandates from her mother while growing up have built up years of resentment. Needless to say, this has not positively impacted their adult relationship. On a religious note, routinely mandating church and other religious events (which also were a part of their Cuban culture) also failed to be passed on. My friend married and atheist and they are not planning on raising their children Catholic.

Obviously, parents have to make the best decisions with the information available. However, I think it is important to note that they can have negative long term repercussions if parents fail to involve their childrens feelings and desires and subscribe to only their "cultural values".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was never allowed to spend the night growing up because her mother is Cuban and it wasn't a cultural norm there. This along with other cultural mandates from her mother while growing up have built up years of resentment. Needless to say, this has not positively impacted their adult relationship. On a religious note, routinely mandating church and other religious events (which also were a part of their Cuban culture) also failed to be passed on. My friend married and atheist and they are not planning on raising their children Catholic.

Obviously, parents have to make the best decisions with the information available. However, I think it is important to note that they can have negative long term repercussions if parents fail to involve their childrens feelings and desires and subscribe to only their "cultural values".

How unfortunate that your friend rejected/abandoned her family, culture and faith. It sounds to me like there was more going on than not allowing sleepovers. I can assure you (as a Latino myself), this is not the norm. This is not to say that sometimes the home country culture clashes with American culture in some ways, but every Latino I know worked through these things with their family relationships and faith intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was never allowed to spend the night growing up because her mother is Cuban and it wasn't a cultural norm there. This along with other cultural mandates from her mother while growing up have built up years of resentment. Needless to say, this has not positively impacted their adult relationship. On a religious note, routinely mandating church and other religious events (which also were a part of their Cuban culture) also failed to be passed on. My friend married and atheist and they are not planning on raising their children Catholic.

Obviously, parents have to make the best decisions with the information available. However, I think it is important to note that they can have negative long term repercussions if parents fail to involve their childrens feelings and desires and subscribe to only their "cultural values".

The mother of my BFF growing up was Cuban. We switched off Saturday nights for years--sleepovers at her house/my house. There were plenty of cultural mandates (I went to Mass with them all the time, but I'm Protestant, for instance). Her mother did it because she liked the sleepovers from her youth, which we talked about. Interesting. Guess they must have been cousins...?

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I'm not Cuban so I'm not sure why my friends mother didn't allow sleepovers except to say that it was "not done where they come from" (her words). My friend distanced herself from her mother and her mother's religion because of how it was imposed on her. It was just done, no questions asked and nothing considered. This kind of unilateral/"because my culture said so" decision making had negative consequences. Obviously all parents are different and will make decisions differently. It is entirely possible that this way of parenting would have a negative impact without this culture clash and would have just manifested differently. However, in this case it happen to be sleepovers and church as they were the most common source of strife.

Through my friend's experience, I learned that not listening to your children or not willing to break your own rules in favor of a changing world or new cultural experiences can have long term negative implications on your relationship.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't feel strongly about the sleepover issue. But what strikes me is the hypocrisy of the parents who claim that sleepovers are critical for developing their kids' resilience, and then in the next sentence point out that the kids who are not allowed sleepovers will be made fun of in school for not conforming to the "norm." The message, then, is that the most important thing is to teach your kids to do what everyone else does and be like everyone else, or (gasp!) people might think they're weird. To me, resilience means the ability to have self-awareness and to get through difficult times, even when other kids might be unaccepting or intolerant. Obviously none of us WANTS our kids to have a hard time socially. But that is a part of growing up, and does build resilience. The fact that other kids at school might have a problem with Susie not going to a sleepover is emphatically the other kids' problem, and not Susie's...and it is Susie's parents' responsibility to drive that message home to Susie. THAT is what will help build her resilience - not conforming to something that other kids do, despite the parents' discomfort with it, just to avoid a POTENTIAL social difficulty with intolerant idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't feel strongly about the sleepover issue. But what strikes me is the hypocrisy of the parents who claim that sleepovers are critical for developing their kids' resilience, and then in the next sentence point out that the kids who are not allowed sleepovers will be made fun of in school for not conforming to the "norm." The message, then, is that the most important thing is to teach your kids to do what everyone else does and be like everyone else, or (gasp!) people might think they're weird. To me, resilience means the ability to have self-awareness and to get through difficult times, even when other kids might be unaccepting or intolerant. Obviously none of us WANTS our kids to have a hard time socially. But that is a part of growing up, and does build resilience. The fact that other kids at school might have a problem with Susie not going to a sleepover is emphatically the other kids' problem, and not Susie's...and it is Susie's parents' responsibility to drive that message home to Susie. THAT is what will help build her resilience - not conforming to something that other kids do, despite the parents' discomfort with it, just to avoid a POTENTIAL social difficulty with intolerant idiots.

NP here, great observation, thanks for articulating it so well

[Anonymous]

I had a best friend in high school who wasn't allowed to do sleepovers. Her parents finally caved, and I was the only person she was allowed to sleep over with. Years later, I found out that her parents thought she was at my house almost every weekend during our junior and senior years...but she wasn't . She was at Raves, and at hotels with her much older boyfriends, etc.

That being said, both of my kids do sleepovers. But I can guarantee that I will be checking in on them when they're teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^their is extreme sensitivity among the parents of black and biracial girls that males will grossly assume that their DD's are more sexually open--there is deep fear that older males of any race will be less respectful of their DD's bodies. There is a cultural history of violation of young black and biracial (AA) girls all over the world aand their families are ultra protective of them and less likely to permit sleepovers for that reason. I am the white mother of a biracial DD--and I have only ever allowed this with families that I had many social interactions with before--through girl scouts, school volunteering and actual playmates where I had lingered a bit in the home and seen the way the family interacted. Uncles and other non-sibling males who might be sleeping o a couch?! That would be really stupid for anyone to put their DD in that situation.

Hmmm I am the PP and actually we are minorities. I find it interesting that you put into words what I would hesitate to say- that NONE of my friends would allow their DD to go to a sleepover because of this history. We are all highly educated people but are of AA, caribbean or Latin descent, and it is not cultuarlly acceptable to allow your DD to go to a sleepover.

DH and I are Latinos. Our kids only do sleepovers with cousins or very close family friends we have known for years. No exceptions.

Are you suggesting that because you come from a foreign culture we're supposed to respect your views?

You're here now. This is America. Assimilate.

I am suggesting because we are humans our views should be respected. Just as I respect that your are from butt fuck suburbia are backwards as shit. I smile and nod and let you be a hick. ASSHOLE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^their is extreme sensitivity among the parents of black and biracial girls that males will grossly assume that their DD's are more sexually open--there is deep fear that older males of any race will be less respectful of their DD's bodies. There is a cultural history of violation of young black and biracial (AA) girls all over the world aand their families are ultra protective of them and less likely to permit sleepovers for that reason. I am the white mother of a biracial DD--and I have only ever allowed this with families that I had many social interactions with before--through girl scouts, school volunteering and actual playmates where I had lingered a bit in the home and seen the way the family interacted. Uncles and other non-sibling males who might be sleeping o a couch?! That would be really stupid for anyone to put their DD in that situation.

Hmmm I am the PP and actually we are minorities. I find it interesting that you put into words what I would hesitate to say- that NONE of my friends would allow their DD to go to a sleepover because of this history. We are all highly educated people but are of AA, caribbean or Latin descent, and it is not cultuarlly acceptable to allow your DD to go to a sleepover.

DH and I are Latinos. Our kids only do sleepovers with cousins or very close family friends we have known for years. No exceptions.

Are you suggesting that because you come from a foreign culture we're supposed to respect your views?

You're here now. This is America. Assimilate.

I am suggesting because we are humans our views should be respected. Just as I respect that your are from butt fuck suburbia and are backwards as shit. I smile and nod and let you be a hick. ASSHOLE

should be " you are"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told (and I also agree), that I am a very laid back parent. However, one thing that I would never allow my child to do is sleep over at another childs house. Honestly, I am not sure why that is but it will not be allowed. I want my child sleeping in his bed, in our house, every night. Play dates are fine but I do not understand the whole sleep over at my house thing.

You are not a laid back parent. And you are depriving your child of something that is not only a lot of fun, and not only typical for children (making him a freak, or at least a kid who is pitied because his parents won't let him sleep over -- trust me, the other kids do talk about those kids), you are depriving him of the important developmental tool of learning to leave home for the night, while also sending the signal that he should be afraid of the world.

The child who sleeps in his own bed ever single night will have a tough time going to college, thats for sure.

No, sorry, not even a little bit true. My BFF as a child and teen was never allowed to do sleepovers. She was very independent and mature and went away to college and lived on her own just fine. She had plenty of friends also as a child. By the time we were 12, all our friends knew she couldn't sleep over so it was no issue. She still went to parties, she just left later in the evening. It's a rule the parents have and stick too all the time then kids just accept it and it's not a big deal.

Agreed. I won't be apologizing for not letting my kid do sleepovers. And as for doing it because otherwise the other kids will talk about her? That gets a big "so what?" from me. People will talk about you no matter what so it is best to do what is best for you. I was not allowed sleepovers as a child and I went away to college just fine and I never needed to return to my parents house because I couldn't live on my own. The idea that it is "typical" is based on your expereince and it was not "typical" when I was growing up. Being so cavelier about the world is a trap for the unwary. While you don't want to send a message to kids that the world is all danger, you also don't want your child to believe that everyone should be trusted.

Glad you weren't my mom. This is just weird and antisocial. We don't live where this cultural value is recognized so it's not a valid excuse.

Keeping your kids safe? Protecting your kids? What value is not recognized? I am glad I am not your mom as well because you sound ignorant and close minded. So I should allow my kids to do something jus becuase other kids are doing it so they won't be considered "wierd or antisocial"? That just sounds like awful parenting and I am raising a child that has a mind of their own. If having a mind of your own is wierd, then fine. She'll be wierd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a best friend in high school who wasn't allowed to do sleepovers. Her parents finally caved, and I was the only person she was allowed to sleep over with. Years later, I found out that her parents thought she was at my house almost every weekend during our junior and senior years...but she wasn't . She was at Raves, and at hotels with her much older boyfriends, etc.

That being said, both of my kids do sleepovers. But I can guarantee that I will be checking in on them when they're teens.

The topic was 10 year olds- not high school. Your friend in high school is irrelevant to this discussion.

[Anonymous]

not being able to go to sleep overs is freaking stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 10, I anticipate my daughter being able to take the Metro by herself. She's been doing sleepovers since she was 4 (at good friends' houses, but still).

At age 10 my DD was taking city buses by herself and the metro by 11. In general, sleepovers are fine. She has a phone and we have a family safety protocol She can call anytime, and we are both comfortable with this.