Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

OP - facebook can be screwy. Sometimes, if you're not friends with someone already and depending on their settings, they may not even see a message from you or ignore a friend request when they don't intend to. So that seems like a bad idea.

I implore you to contact her if you feel the urge, be prepared for the worse, and do so through a personal/professional method like an attorney who is kind (she did that for you, so you can return the favor via the same method and send a personal note or something, including your facebook info if she simply wants to look at it and not speak).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many many years ago I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I gave her up for adoption. Fast forward 20+ years: I married and have a family now. About 7 years ago, when i was newly married, my birth-child tried to contact me (through the adoption lawyer). At that time I was not in a place to think about THAT and I refused, but told the lawyer to tell the birth-child that everything is fine, we're a healthy family, I was just newly wed and not ready to have contact with her at that time.

Now I see she is on FB (i know her name). Should I send a FB msg saying I am ready/willing to talk/answer questions now- or when she is ready? Or is that too weird? She's in her late 20s now.


PS the adoption attorney has since passed away and the office is closed.

No, you should not. She has her life now so leave her alone. If you have IMPORTANT medical information, then contact an attorney and let Atty. send info to her. Leave her alone.

Adoptive Mom here: Why on earth not? I understand that different people have different feelings about birth parents initiating contact, but in this case where the child has clearly indicated that they wanted contact? Why wouldn't it be OK for a birth mother to reach out.

[Anonymous]

OP, some of these posts sound pretty insensitive and harsh. I am sure your DD would love some answers which is why she reached out to you before. I agree that finding out more definitive information and contacting her via a third party will offer you more closure should she choose not to reply (you will never know if you do it via Facebook).

I was adopted by my stepdad when I was 9. I didn't meet my biological father until I was 19. I know it's not the same entirely as I lived with my birth mother....however my life made a lot more sense after I met him. I was raised in a wealthy community, given every material blessing imaginable- but I never felt as if I quite fit in. Even if you get rejected, it's worth it for the potential of connecting, however briefly, and getting and giving some answers. I now have a friendship with my birth father and my half sister. Its really tentative, but I am happy to have this. It's not been easy, but worth the effort.

Good luck, I imagine you have suffered a long time. I hope this gives you both a measure of peace.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you willing to offer her any information along with access to these photos of you, your spouse and your children? or simply a chance to look at the photos?

[Anonymous]

A PP here. I posted earlier without having seen your post about giving your birth child FB access. Send her a FB message and then give her an email address with which you can correspond.

[Anonymous]

Adult adoptee here. And I contacted my BM through Facebook last year. (Guess that makes me trailer trash too.) It has worked out ok, but we're still figuring out the kinks. Honestly, I'm not sure I would do it again, if given the option.

So, I contacted BM because I was intensely curious about that part of my identity, but I never had that longing or feelings of rejection that some of the posters have been attributing to all adoptees. In fact, it never occurred to me that I was rejected. I was always told that my adoption was an act of love on the part of all parties and I believed (and still believe) that. I realize that some adoptees do not have this experience, but I would definitely not assume anything about any adoptee's feelings - ever. In this case, she may feel rejected or she may just be really, really curious or maybe she has other feelings that we're not imagining.

Anyway, this takes me to why I am ambivalent about having contacted my BM. I did it to satisfy my curiosity, but it opened a huge chapter in her life that she had very carefully kept closed. Now she wants to have the daughter she never had and I struggle to not take responsibility for those feelings. (BTW - in no way have I felt sad that she kept her other children. That's kind of a strange thing to assume, pp.) I am prepared to be in her life, but not as her child. I have a mom and a dad and a loving family and that's just that. So, we're trying to find another kind of relationship. Some days we're better at this than others. Don't know yet if it will work. It was a huge price to pay to satisfy a curiosity though.

Bottom line - anyone who thinks they know how anyone else might or will feel in this type of situation is kidding themselves. And OP, be prepared. It could get a lot more complicated than you think and it could get complicated in ways you might never be able to envision. As a BTDT poster, all I can say is that you should dig deep to get as compassionate as you can about your feelings and hers (when you know what they are), and be really, really upfront and honest about what you want and why you are doing this both with her and with yourself. Then just be prepared for it to be a work in progress for a long, long time.

[Anonymous]

Be direct and reach out, not in a passive "see me now" invite to FB. Thats cowardly and insensitive.

Acknowledge that she reached out and you weren't ready, but if she wants, you are available to answer her questions, b/c no matter how wonderful her life is, she may have questions, and likely wrestled with being adopted. This isn't about you, it's about her. You put her needs first years ago, and do it again now, do it right.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thank you PP - I really don't expect any sort of relationship at all with her- I gave her up so I could go to college (while working full time) and have a career and THEN a family- which I have done so I feel satisfied that I made the right decision. She has the family that she deserves and I have the family that I have worked hard to prepare for. We live in very different parts of the country and our paths will never cross.

I suppose I have to be prepared to respond to any desires she has for meeting me or having a relationship with me, but considering the physical distance it would require a great effort..

When she contacted me previously it was during her college years/early 20s when such soul searching is typical. I suppose my expectation is to satisfy her curiosity (perhaps our mutual curiosity) and resolve any questions about what transpired, why, and health questions, of course. Thanks again for all your thoughtful responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult adoptee here. And I contacted my BM through Facebook last year. (Guess that makes me trailer trash too.) It has worked out ok, but we're still figuring out the kinks. Honestly, I'm not sure I would do it again, if given the option.

So, I contacted BM because I was intensely curious about that part of my identity, but I never had that longing or feelings of rejection that some of the posters have been attributing to all adoptees. In fact, it never occurred to me that I was rejected. I was always told that my adoption was an act of love on the part of all parties and I believed (and still believe) that. I realize that some adoptees do not have this experience, but I would definitely not assume anything about any adoptee's feelings - ever. In this case, she may feel rejected or she may just be really, really curious or maybe she has other feelings that we're not imagining.

Anyway, this takes me to why I am ambivalent about having contacted my BM. I did it to satisfy my curiosity, but it opened a huge chapter in her life that she had very carefully kept closed. Now she wants to have the daughter she never had and I struggle to not take responsibility for those feelings. (BTW - in no way have I felt sad that she kept her other children. That's kind of a strange thing to assume, pp.) I am prepared to be in her life, but not as her child. I have a mom and a dad and a loving family and that's just that. So, we're trying to find another kind of relationship. Some days we're better at this than others. Don't know yet if it will work. It was a huge price to pay to satisfy a curiosity though.

Bottom line - anyone who thinks they know how anyone else might or will feel in this type of situation is kidding themselves. And OP, be prepared. It could get a lot more complicated than you think and it could get complicated in ways you might never be able to envision. As a BTDT poster, all I can say is that you should dig deep to get as compassionate as you can about your feelings and hers (when you know what they are), and be really, really upfront and honest about what you want and why you are doing this both with her and with yourself. Then just be prepared for it to be a work in progress for a long, long time.

Excellent, excellent post (from another adoptee). Some posters here are being really mean. My birth parents had 4 other kids- I don't feel rejected at all. I too feel like adoption was a choice of love by all involved. In fact, I've heard a lot of birth parents talk about how if they loved their kids an ounce less, they would have parented them, and it was because they loved them so much, they placed them.

[Anonymous]

These posts are just heart wrenching. I can not imagine having to make such a decision but have immense respect for those parents that do. They made the ultimate sacrifice for their children.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of the spiteful comments here are actually made by those who are a part of the adoption triangle. I am an adoptive mom and I encourage you to reach out to your birth daughter. No one knows what her response may be now or in the future, but I think if you are honest with her about your reasons for placing her for adoption, not responding to her initial request for contact and your reasons for contacting her know you will be doing a loving and kind thing. I have talked to my daughter about her adoption and the possible scenarios/outcomes when she is one day old enough to begin her search. I think that she will be ready for however her life unfolds. (She has expressed a desire to meet her birth mom some day.) As so beautifully stated by the adult adoptee, not everyone feels the same about being placed for adoption and I think that everyone on this board should show some compassion for the OP. I think she is trying to do the what she feels is the right thing and your negative and cruel comments are unnecessary and certainly are not helpful. If OP was my daughters birth mother, I would want her to make the contact.

[Anonymous]

wow. she reached out to you and your response was "we're a healthy family and everything is fine". do you really think that is what she was wanting to hear? you sound..just..awful.

[Anonymous]

Another adoptive mom here: I actually feel like the harshest posts here have been from those not in the adoption triangle. As someone else posted, if you are already someone in the triangle, ie if you already are an adoptee, a birth parent, or an adoptive parent, I think you have already dealt with (I HOPE!) some of these issues and are not knee-jerk horrified/assume that an adoption placement automatically = irreparable rejection/loss. OP, I think the suggestion to go through an experienced mediator, whether it be through an agency or the state (like you suggested) is a good one and it sounds like you are on the right track. I wish you all well. If you feel like posting back at some point, please do so, but if not, I'll still be keeping my fingers crossed for you all! Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you take the time and find out her phone number or address instead of sending a FB message. I think a letter would be the best and most thoughtful approach. If you wrote something sincere, she is more likely to take you seriously, after you blew her off the second time.

You were thoughtful until that little nasty dig.

Blew her off for the SECOND time? The act of giving a child up that you cannot proper care for is an act of sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

It sounds like you want her to learn about you (Share photos? Like with your other children?) but you don't really care about her at all. It's you you you, all over again.

I also don't like how you are all self-righteous that you put "do not contact" and yet she dared contact you. I hope you reach out to her and get your ass kicked!!

Your first comment shows that the depth of your thinking is about as deep as an episode of "Ice Loves Coco"

Your second comment is just immature. How old are you? 14?