Should I contact birth child?
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Anonymous
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You absolutely have no right to contact her directly after blowing her off. Afterall, you're the one standing on "please don't contact" 20 years later until it's convenient for you to change your mind.
She reached out to you. You chose to reject her. Don't be selfish yet again. Go through a 3rd party. |
Anonymous
...and how old are you exactly? Most people stop the "mean girl" behavior when they leave high school. Your comments to OP are neither constructive nor compassionate. I find it interesting that the majority of posters who have self-identified as being a part of the adoption triangle are supportive of OP, and the ones who are clearly callous and judgmental are outsiders looking in. Please keep your cruelty to yourselves. |
Anonymous
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OK, I get that as a teen you're just so scared and checked the box of DON'T CONTACT but blowing her off because you were not "ready" and told her you had a healthy family thank you very much????????????
This lucky girl is so much better without you. PLEASE I beg you don't contact her. You'll mess up once again. Don't do that. |
Anonymous
Not the OP, but what is your perspective in giving this advice? You sound very passionate but i am just wondering what real world experience this is based upon. Or (sorry, but it is 11:50 pm on a Monday night): are you just sleep-deprived and/or drinking and posting something really silly? |
Anonymous
I'm the bio daughter of an adoptee, niece of 2 adoptive parents, cousin of 6 adoptees and if God blesses me I'll be an adoptive mother very very soon. Is this enough or you need more detail? |
Anonymous
I guess I do, b/c I am an adoptive mom, and I have 5 adopted cousins and one adoptive niece, and I still haven't had any life experience that would have made me write the same message as yours. Why do you think this OP should not contact her child or else she'll "mess her up again"? (?) |
Anonymous
I already said. Because OP blew her off earlier and clearly OP has no intent to have a relationship with this woman. Did you read what OP said about BC contacting her besides the file saying not to contact her? What kind of person would ever say that? Clearly this girl is better of without the OP in her life. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry, I honestly would not see it this way. If, for example, this were to happen to my DD, I would say to her (and honestly believe): "You know what? Maybe she just wasn't ready. We don't know. Maybe she wasn't in a good place in her life at the time. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was establishing her own family and life and/or career. [tailoring this talk to whatever age is appropriate]" I truly do not believe that, just bc OP (or any other BP) may have responded this way at one time, it is at all indicative of their true feelings. As for ourselves, my own DD, and how we discuss BP: I simply deliver the message in a matter-of-fact, I-don't-know (b/c I don't) manner: "Why couldn't my tummy mommy take care of me?" "Honey, I don't know. But she took you to a place where people took care of babies whose mommies and daddies couldn't take care of you, and that's where you waited for Mommy and Daddy to come get you." I really do not know why my DD's BM/BD/BPs could not care for her, so I don't make a value judgment one way or another. Shrug. I don't sugar coat it ("She loved you sooooo much she had to give you to someone who could take extra special care of you!!!!!) nor do I demonize it ("She knew she couldn't do a good job being a good mommy because she didn't have any money or a good job.") So, I just deliver it in a straight-forward, honest manner: "I don't know." Because, really, I don't. What else can I say? Therefore, I don't believe that the OP would harm the BD by attempting to contact her. Life is messy. Even biological parenting can be messy. But if someone would like a closer relationship, then, if done well, through a mediator like PPs have mentioned, I don't think that, necssarily, automatically, the attempt is doomed from the start. Wouldn't you want your DC to have this opty to get to know herself, her origins, her life (heck, now, YOUR life!! b/c now that she/he is in your family, it's your life too!) better? What would you do if ou knew this opty had been there, but the BP shied away? I would never forgive myself. |
Anonymous
I don't think you're following the thread... Have you read all OP's responses???????????? We're not talking about the same thing here. |
Anonymous
Yes, I sure have read and have been following the whole entire thread. I don't understand why, if the OP/BM was not ready for contact as one point, she cannot extent an overture now if she has had a change of heart. As an adoptive mom, I would welcome this overture. I now my DD would benefit from it, from a greater understanding of her origins, in the long run. Have you done any reading/required prep for your adoption? What agency are you working through? You are making me very nervous for your potential child/children, because this type of thing is old hat in the adoption world these days. Really, this topic is practically passe. What agency are you working with? Are you doing domestic or international? If you are doing international, what country? How far along are you in your prep/application process? |
Anonymous
Did you read when OP said this: "Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either. " What do you think of her attitude? |
Anonymous
Yes I read it. I don't see it as the end all and be all that you seem to think? I would tell my DD that we don't know why she (BM) said that, but if BM contacted us, we should try to meet with her and see what she had to say. Why not? What a gift. So many people wish to meet their BMs (int'l adoptees, people whose BMs have died already, etc.) that if given the opty, take it. Just bc BM couldn't parent at one time, and believe that BC contact at one time (while BM was in college? just building a life in her 20s? other?) wouldn't work out, wouldn't let me sway myself (or my child) from welcoming contact later if and when BM was ready. Again, I'd view it as a welcome gift and an answer to prayers, quite frankly. An answer to prayers that may not necessarily be a smooth road, but, still would be worth it nonetheless. |
Anonymous
| 01:09 poster back: and with that, I am going to bed, so that I can actually wake up in the morning and parent my dear precious child tomorrow. G'night.... I'll check back on this thread tomorrow and respond to any more comments. . . . |
Anonymous
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OP, it doesn't seem like you are interested in her at all. It seems that you are just feeling guilty that you rejected her when she contacted you. Why wouldn't you meet her then? "I wasn't ready" is not a reason. I honestly have never heard of this coming from a BM!
A absolutely think you need to contact her through a 3rd party - and quickly! Perhaps write a letter and explain how sorry you are for turning her away when she reached out. PLEASE be MUCH more sensitive then you are coming across on this thread. And, for pete's sake, don't mention the Do Not Contact request that she violated! Here's a situation she very well may have been dealing with her entire life (if her brother is also adopted). We have some good friends with 2 adopted children. Both open adoptions. The boy's BM is still a part of his life. She comes over, with her family, a couple of times a year. Their daughter's BM chose not to keep in touch. She has never seen or heard from her. When his BM comes around, I see how it affects their DD. She becomes moody and withdrawn for weeks surrounding these visits. Anyway, it is quite likely that your daughter has been in a similar situation. Yes, it was your choice, but now you need to open your eyes and really think about what she has been dealing with. Just because she is in a well-off family doesn't mean you can disregard her. |
Anonymous
You keep going on and on on something that has nothing to do with what I just quoted. OP clearly stated that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing her daughter off because she checked a box when she was a teen and 20 something years later the child tried to contact her against OP's wishes and she says over and over that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing off the kid because she checked a darn box when she was hormonal and just given birth. WTH? Really? Who does that? |