Why don't people reciprocate socially these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I try really hard not to take it personally, but at a certain point (after, say, two unreciprocated invitations), I stop.

I'm sorry we don't know each other in real life -- I'd invite you over!

OP here--thanks! I do take it personally, I don't see how one couldn't take it personally. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal person. DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people.

I even started seeing a therapist so I could get some objective feedback about why I can't make friends and what I'm doing to turn people off. The therapist was not able to offer me any suggestions.

this is really true...I am a drama free person and I have to try really hard to maintain friendships. If you as a person don't generate any gossip for other women to talk about you kind of drop out of their mind ...

It's sad but if you want to be called back - drum up a little drama

[Anonymous]

NP here.

Most people are wrapped up in their own lives and may have forgotten to get back to you. But it is rude to not respond to an email: "Hey, it was great to see you guys. We are super swamped with out of town weddings etc until October, but how about drinks sometime after Columbus Day weekend."

I really sympathize. It is really hard to meet people and stay friends. It is a very transitional place, and people are super absorbed by the stressful details of their everyday lives. Also, the geography doesn't really help. You almost have to live in of the friendlier neighborhoods, which I am still searching for.

I also think that there is a tendency for people to be intimidated by others around here, because so many of us have impressive jobs, etc. Or, maybe because so many of us were super awkward nerds in high school (and, hence our accomplishments that brought us to DC) that we still haven't figured out how to make friends.

Can you invite your BFF and other people she knows and that your DH does sports over to a cocktail party or BBQ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--so my question is, why don't they just return my follow up email/call? They don't have to actually reciprocate, but why do they just ignore me after that, despite a fun outing? I don't understand why someone would do that. Can anyone who has done that shed some light as to why? I could understand if the outing didn't seem to go well, but it always does and they say how much fun they had, and then I never hear from them again. This has happened to me over and over. It has really done a number on my self-esteem! But I really want to have friends here.

That is weird to me. Even if someone is busy, I do not understand why they cannot take a moment to write an email or text back just to say "Thanks for the great time, really busy and will catch up later." The only thing I can think if is maybe you did "hit it off" as well as you think you did? Maybe the person did not want to follow up because they did not want to give you the wrong impression and then have you invite them out again?

I am not trying to be rude, but did you really get along with these people as well as you think? Sometimes people do not read body language cues well and eventhough they might have been nice and polite, you did not see that they were not that into the friendship thing? Hope it works out.

OP here. Well, I have certainly thought about the possibility that maybe we didn't have as great a time as I thought. But the other person usually says things like "I had such a great time, let's do this again soon" so when they say things like that I'm led to believe they had fun too. I don't know. That's why I went to a therapist, so she could give me some real input about what I'm doing wrong. But after seeing her for 3 months, she couldn't tell me anything I was doing wrong or that I come across in a certain way. So what do I do now? How can I figure out what I'm doing wrong? DH has seen me in lots of social situations, I asked him to be honest with me and he couldn't come up with anything either.

PP you responded to here. You really do sound like a nice normal person, which sometimes you can tell on an anonymous board In any case, dont take it personally, maybe you have just met the wrong people. Not all of us are stuck up snobs! I for one am married but no kids yet (just our baby dog) and I have some months scheduled full in advance with get- togethers with girl friends and other couples for dinner. The weekend are normally split into "me time" "DH and me time" and then "social things" which I definitely do not always like to do but I want to make time for friends. I can only think that when we have kids we are going to be hermits and our friends will hate us.

I am sorry you have encountered this but like other pp's suggested, maybe meeting someone at a hobby activity would help. I dont think its an excuse that people are too busy to get back to you especially when they said "lets do this again, etc." its jsut rude and inconsiderate. I also feel terrible you saw a therapist over this because I am sure it hurt your feelings, but it really does not sound like its your issue. Just some rude people you met. Hope things get better!

[Anonymous]

I am "the package" poster. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate much more than what I said in my post. However, the women in my circle are all much closer to each other than I am to any of them. I started to realize that they saw each other more and that I wasn't being invited. So, I reached out and asked a couple of them why. "The package" answer is what I got. I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious??? I also got told that my house isn't messy enough and one of them doesn't like to come over because I make her feel bad that she left her house in a lousy condition. Well, hell, I clean my house for my friends when I invite them over! I don't always have a pristine house!!! However, there is a part of me that can't stand these women and them judging me because I "seem" to have my stuff together! Of course I don't have it together! Nobody does. I thought being an adult meant leaving jealousy and pettiness aside, but I haven't found it to be the case.

IDK, I've kind of realized that I have to pick and choose my friends carefully. I would love to be involved in more "girls nights" and kids playdates but I can't help the way people feel about me. Like I said, I've tried to be more self-deprecating -- but I still won't join bitch sessions. I'm starting to look to other aspects of my life for friends but I still take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I think it is rude for people not to respond to your follow up emails. No one is that busy.

I feel for you. As an adult it can be really hard to make new friendships. I have found that most of the friends I have made (probably 90%) since college have been through work. If I change jobs, I stay friends with a few people from each previous job and that is basically where my friends come from. We are working now to befriend some of our neighbors, since like a PP said, it's REALLY hard when you have friends who live all over and you have to drive 45 minutes just to have a BBQ at someone's house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a lovely person. I've lived here most of my adult life, and it can take awhile to develop meaningful friendships here. People tend to be more guarded. Are you coming across as too eager? too in-your-face? Are you trying to make plans with someone the very next weekend after you've spent time with them?

OP here. Yes, this has definitely been an issue--being too eager. My DH actually pointed this out to me, the fact that I do try to make plans with people soon-ish. I know that comes across as too eager and it is a personal fault of mine.

It's just hard because I want to make friends so badly! Since DH pointed it out, I have toned things down--hasn't made a difference though. Why is too eager bad? How does the other person view it? Personally, I would be beyond thrilled if another gal invited me to do a bunch of things or asked me to do something right after we met for the first time. I'd be thrilled that someone was friendly and interested in making a new friend. But I know it is off-putting to most, though I don't understand why. Can someone shed some light into that?

Some of the other posters did a good job explaining the over-eager issue. Another thing I thought of: Are you really inquisitive with people when you first meet them? What would appear as normal getting-to-know-you questions in my hometown would be considered flat out nosiness and prying in this area.

Good Luck OP, you really do sound like a sweet, genuine person

[Anonymous]

I am from another country (think one of the most friendly countries in the world ) and still...I don't have an american friend and only few friends from the same country who are going back.

My husband wants me to be friends with his friends' wives but you know something I noticed...american people women and men, they have already their circles and that is it. Seems like there is no room for somebody else, special from other culture. This circles are all made in high school or college and taken to the rest of their lives (which is beautiful!). But well...I am sure I am a very nice person but...no friends, no getting togethers and no girls night out for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am "the package" poster. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate much more than what I said in my post. However, the women in my circle are all much closer to each other than I am to any of them. I started to realize that they saw each other more and that I wasn't being invited. So, I reached out and asked a couple of them why. "The package" answer is what I got. I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious??? I also got told that my house isn't messy enough and one of them doesn't like to come over because I make her feel bad that she left her house in a lousy condition. Well, hell, I clean my house for my friends when I invite them over! I don't always have a pristine house!!! However, there is a part of me that can't stand these women and them judging me because I "seem" to have my stuff together! Of course I don't have it together! Nobody does. I thought being an adult meant leaving jealousy and pettiness aside, but I haven't found it to be the case.

IDK, I've kind of realized that I have to pick and choose my friends carefully. I would love to be involved in more "girls nights" and kids playdates but I can't help the way people feel about me. Like I said, I've tried to be more self-deprecating -- but I still won't join bitch sessions. I'm starting to look to other aspects of my life for friends but I still take it personally.

And I am the poster you originally identified with. I just wanted to observe something from your post because I had the same experience when I ventured into a mommy group, I would not call these women friends. Why do you call them "your circle"? I don't mean this in a sarcastic way, am really curious.

[Anonymous]

"The package" - two interesting, well paid and respected careers; attractive, well behaved children; nice house; ability to whip up a gourmet meal; nice vacations. You know, all that and a ball of wax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--so my question is, why don't they just return my follow up email/call? They don't have to actually reciprocate, but why do they just ignore me after that, despite a fun outing? I don't understand why someone would do that. Can anyone who has done that shed some light as to why? I could understand if the outing didn't seem to go well, but it always does and they say how much fun they had, and then I never hear from them again. This has happened to me over and over. It has really done a number on my self-esteem! But I really want to have friends here.

12:10 here. Ok, I don't do that. That's just rude. I am great at returning emails, not so much calls b/c by the time LO goes to bed and I clean up, it's pretty late. What I do notice is that even friends fade away at this age. I can't tell you how many friends, even a really old one, is starting to drive away. I don't know why that is.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Since I haven't had much luck making friends so far, if anyone is looking to make a new friend, and would like to chat over email, feel free to email me. I don't have kids yet though. I'd love to hear from anyone, especially the "perfect package" types! Maybe we could become great friends, who knows. Here is my email: [e-mail]

[Anonymous]

NP here. I'm actually up to my eyeballs in obligations to get together with friends, family, etc, but don't have enough time or energy, and esp. not for new friends.

Reasons why this is the case:

I've lived here for over 15 years, since roughly after college
Family and friends from college, old jobs, are here
Now we have new friends from the kids school and they have b-day parties, get togethers, etc.
We want some family time together on the weekends, just the 4 of us, after not getting much time together all week
Even though I'm pretty social on the surface, I consider myself an introvert, and I get tired from talking to people sometimes, esp. after a full day or week at work.
DH is definitely an introvert too, and really values his own alone time and family time on the weekend.

Consequently we say no to alot, and I feel like a biyatch. Don't get me wrong, I like new people, I'm a friendly person, and it's nothing personal, but i work fulltime as does DH, we play with our preschool aged kids, and after that 90% of the time I just want to rest after a full day. There are only 4-5 weekends a month and I don't want to go out more than 2-3 nights a week, (say 1 weekend night and 1 weeknight solo while the DH watches the kids). I also don't like being overscheduled, which I kinda think we are and the kids aren't even in elementary school yet or taking any classes.

In short, please don't take it personally--it's me, not you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the people who talk about the "package". The thing is it doesn't matter so much if you have the package, it matters how you convey that. You have to be"human" sometimes. If you are the kind to ramble on about your au pair and vacations in italy and bora bora, people are going to be turned off. I understand, this may be your life and you have every right not to hide it but social decorum calls for modesty. There is a one-uppance attitude prevalent in this area that I never fail to notice. People don't listen anymore, they just wait until you finish talking so they can chime in with something similar or better they have going on. So you may be at dinner with a group of friends and the entire meal conversation oozes this subtle competitiveness that makes one shudder.

If you show a genuine interest in people's lives, they will respond to you. I have a "close friend" who, very often, forgets details about my life. She asks but never takes note. So she ends up repeating wrong stats over and over again, despite being corrected. "No, my husband is NOT from Oregon, bitch!, we've been through this" . Or I mention something and she says oh I never knew that. REALLY???, we've talked about this many times before. So guess what? our closeness is slowly declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

[Anonymous]

I agree that there is no excuse for not responding to emails or calls - that's not right.

I am probably guilty of not reciprocating enough. In my case, it's an insecurity thing, which I'm not proud of. I feel like my house isn't nice enough, I'm not a very good cook/entertainer, and with WOH, I really struggle from a time perspective just to survive much less throw fabulous dinner get-togethers which don't come naturally or easily to me. I feel like everyone in our neighborhood and school has a nicer home or a country club membership or a lovely backyard pool or patio - none of which we have to offer. In my brain, I know that if people are truly good at heart, they won't/shouldn't care about these things, but nevertheless, they create anxiety for me, which makes me reluctant to host. I guess in summary, I lack the confidence to host/invite. Like the OP, I've learned this results in few friendships developing, so I've realized I need to try harder and be creative to find ways to reciprocate.

I do try to be a good guest by always coming equipped with a nice bottle of wine or flowers, offering to bring something like dessert (which I can cook in advance on my own time), and following up the next day to say thanks. I actually like being asked to contribute - makes me feel less guilty about imposing. I also make sure if my kids are involved that they help clean up so we're not leaving our hosts' home a mess.

I guess I'd say, don't give up on people like me if you really like us. Some of us just aren't good hosters. Give us ways to socialize or help out that don't require us to be in charge or entertain. Find other ways for us to come together - I'm happy to help with driving, or to volunteer on that cause you really believe in, or to pitch in with that school or sports project. Just don't ask me to host a cocktail party or brunch at my house.