Why don't people reciprocate socially these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--so my question is, why don't they just return my follow up email/call? They don't have to actually reciprocate, but why do they just ignore me after that, despite a fun outing? I don't understand why someone would do that. Can anyone who has done that shed some light as to why? I could understand if the outing didn't seem to go well, but it always does and they say how much fun they had, and then I never hear from them again. This has happened to me over and over. It has really done a number on my self-esteem! But I really want to have friends here.

That is weird to me. Even if someone is busy, I do not understand why they cannot take a moment to write an email or text back just to say "Thanks for the great time, really busy and will catch up later." The only thing I can think if is maybe you did "hit it off" as well as you think you did? Maybe the person did not want to follow up because they did not want to give you the wrong impression and then have you invite them out again?

I am not trying to be rude, but did you really get along with these people as well as you think? Sometimes people do not read body language cues well and eventhough they might have been nice and polite, you did not see that they were not that into the friendship thing? Hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're just not into you.

Yes, I have certainly thought about this possibility. But the thing is I had lots of friends before I moved here. And my clients/supervisors/colleagues really like me. So I don't think I have a glaring/horrible personality problem. I just can't make friends for some reason, neither can DH. I tried going to a therapist so she could tell me what I'm doing wrong and she was unable to come up with anything. So maybe it is me, but if it is I really can't figure out why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I try really hard not to take it personally, but at a certain point (after, say, two unreciprocated invitations), I stop.

I'm sorry we don't know each other in real life -- I'd invite you over!

OP here--thanks! I do take it personally, I don't see how one couldn't take it personally. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal person. DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people.

I even started seeing a therapist so I could get some objective feedback about why I can't make friends and what I'm doing to turn people off. The therapist was not able to offer me any suggestions.

Dear OP,

you are describing me in a lot of ways and I have the same problem. Are you from another country by chance? I am and I have found it very diffcult to connect with people. I have made more efforts to reach out to people and that has helped but I have also discovered that some of those people bring drama to my life that I don't need. I have been told that I come off as intimidating and not easily approachable.

By the way, I would totally be up to getting to know you but it seems inappropriate to connect from an anonymous board based on what I read

I'm from this country. I never found it difficult to connect with people before moving here. Not saying that this area is the problem, because I don't think it's that. Can you explain more about what you think it is that people mean when they said you come off as intimidating and not easily approachable? Maybe that's my problem too and I had no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--so my question is, why don't they just return my follow up email/call? They don't have to actually reciprocate, but why do they just ignore me after that, despite a fun outing? I don't understand why someone would do that. Can anyone who has done that shed some light as to why? I could understand if the outing didn't seem to go well, but it always does and they say how much fun they had, and then I never hear from them again. This has happened to me over and over. It has really done a number on my self-esteem! But I really want to have friends here.

That is weird to me. Even if someone is busy, I do not understand why they cannot take a moment to write an email or text back just to say "Thanks for the great time, really busy and will catch up later." The only thing I can think if is maybe you did "hit it off" as well as you think you did? Maybe the person did not want to follow up because they did not want to give you the wrong impression and then have you invite them out again?

I am not trying to be rude, but did you really get along with these people as well as you think? Sometimes people do not read body language cues well and eventhough they might have been nice and polite, you did not see that they were not that into the friendship thing? Hope it works out.

OP here. Well, I have certainly thought about the possibility that maybe we didn't have as great a time as I thought. But the other person usually says things like "I had such a great time, let's do this again soon" so when they say things like that I'm led to believe they had fun too. I don't know. That's why I went to a therapist, so she could give me some real input about what I'm doing wrong. But after seeing her for 3 months, she couldn't tell me anything I was doing wrong or that I come across in a certain way. So what do I do now? How can I figure out what I'm doing wrong? DH has seen me in lots of social situations, I asked him to be honest with me and he couldn't come up with anything either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may be writing about me. Before I returned to work, I tried to go out with my little one [age 1 at the time], but it was so hard! I really enjoyed going out and socializing, but I never got the hang of having the little one in tow and organizing my day around her naps was hard enough without making plans with a third person on top of it. It's not you. It's me.

why don't you entertain people at your home in the evenings?

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a lovely person. I've lived here most of my adult life, and it can take awhile to develop meaningful friendships here. People tend to be more guarded. Are you coming across as too eager? too in-your-face? Are you trying to make plans with someone the very next weekend after you've spent time with them?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like we're talking about two different things: people who don't respond at all to your overtures and people who don't reciprocate with hosting social events. I wish I could think of a reason for the former, but it just sounds so bizarre. I can't imagine not emailing or calling someone back--downright rude!

As to the latter, I get it--people are busy. But, after being the hostess with the mostest for a bunch of years I hung my hat up and decided it wasn't for me anymore. I just couldn't get over how many people were perfectly fine with coming over to our house time and again but never reciprocated. Now, I have a small crew of friends and we all rotate hosting.

OP, I'm sorry about your situation. It sounds like you and your DH are good, self-aware people so I would try not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I try really hard not to take it personally, but at a certain point (after, say, two unreciprocated invitations), I stop.

I'm sorry we don't know each other in real life -- I'd invite you over!

OP here--thanks! I do take it personally, I don't see how one couldn't take it personally. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal person. DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people.

I even started seeing a therapist so I could get some objective feedback about why I can't make friends and what I'm doing to turn people off. The therapist was not able to offer me any suggestions.

Dear OP,

you are describing me in a lot of ways and I have the same problem. Are you from another country by chance? I am and I have found it very diffcult to connect with people. I have made more efforts to reach out to people and that has helped but I have also discovered that some of those people bring drama to my life that I don't need. I have been told that I come off as intimidating and not easily approachable.

By the way, I would totally be up to getting to know you but it seems inappropriate to connect from an anonymous board based on what I read

I'm from this country. I never found it difficult to connect with people before moving here. Not saying that this area is the problem, because I don't think it's that. Can you explain more about what you think it is that people mean when they said you come off as intimidating and not easily approachable? Maybe that's my problem too and I had no clue.

Well, this is only my theory but here it goes: I am tall, mid-thirties and reasonably attractive. I have healthy cute kids, a happy marriage, and I live in a nice neighborhood. I am in a desirable profession (think law, business, medicine). My kids behave (at least in public) and my house looks decent. So I think that people look at me as being too perfect, judgmental etc. I look at myself as not being anything unusual and there are many areas of improvement. The one thing is I don't like drama, don't have drama (long-term) in my life. Maybe your husband is on to someting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a lovely person. I've lived here most of my adult life, and it can take awhile to develop meaningful friendships here. People tend to be more guarded. Are you coming across as too eager? too in-your-face? Are you trying to make plans with someone the very next weekend after you've spent time with them?

OP here. Yes, this has definitely been an issue--being too eager. My DH actually pointed this out to me, the fact that I do try to make plans with people soon-ish. I know that comes across as too eager and it is a personal fault of mine.

It's just hard because I want to make friends so badly! Since DH pointed it out, I have toned things down--hasn't made a difference though. Why is too eager bad? How does the other person view it? Personally, I would be beyond thrilled if another gal invited me to do a bunch of things or asked me to do something right after we met for the first time. I'd be thrilled that someone was friendly and interested in making a new friend. But I know it is off-putting to most, though I don't understand why. Can someone shed some light into that?

[Anonymous]

I am terrible at entertaining, so I rarely reciprocate. The friends I have understand that and it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I try really hard not to take it personally, but at a certain point (after, say, two unreciprocated invitations), I stop.

I'm sorry we don't know each other in real life -- I'd invite you over!

OP here--thanks! I do take it personally, I don't see how one couldn't take it personally. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal person. DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people.

I even started seeing a therapist so I could get some objective feedback about why I can't make friends and what I'm doing to turn people off. The therapist was not able to offer me any suggestions.

Dear OP,

you are describing me in a lot of ways and I have the same problem. Are you from another country by chance? I am and I have found it very diffcult to connect with people. I have made more efforts to reach out to people and that has helped but I have also discovered that some of those people bring drama to my life that I don't need. I have been told that I come off as intimidating and not easily approachable.

By the way, I would totally be up to getting to know you but it seems inappropriate to connect from an anonymous board based on what I read

I'm from this country. I never found it difficult to connect with people before moving here. Not saying that this area is the problem, because I don't think it's that. Can you explain more about what you think it is that people mean when they said you come off as intimidating and not easily approachable? Maybe that's my problem too and I had no clue.

Well, this is only my theory but here it goes: I am tall, mid-thirties and reasonably attractive. I have healthy cute kids, a happy marriage, and I live in a nice neighborhood. I am in a desirable profession (think law, business, medicine). My kids behave (at least in public) and my house looks decent. So I think that people look at me as being too perfect, judgmental etc. I look at myself as not being anything unusual and there are many areas of improvement. The one thing is I don't like drama, don't have drama (long-term) in my life. Maybe your husband is on to someting.

Hmmm. Well, maybe what you could do is make sure to tell people about parts of your life that aren't so seemingly perfect if you think others perceive you as too perfect. Let them know that you have your ups and downs, too, even if the facade seems perfect. It kind of makes me think of how my DH often says he thinks other women don't want to be friends with me because of my weight (I am naturally slim and can still eat anything I want and not gain weight). He thinks this makes other women jealous to the point where they don't want to be friends. Personally, I don't buy that but who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am terrible at entertaining, so I rarely reciprocate. The friends I have understand that and it works.

So what do you do for them? Why don't you just get better at it, with the help of your friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a lovely person. I've lived here most of my adult life, and it can take awhile to develop meaningful friendships here. People tend to be more guarded. Are you coming across as too eager? too in-your-face? Are you trying to make plans with someone the very next weekend after you've spent time with them?

OP here. Yes, this has definitely been an issue--being too eager. My DH actually pointed this out to me, the fact that I do try to make plans with people soon-ish. I know that comes across as too eager and it is a personal fault of mine.

It's just hard because I want to make friends so badly! Since DH pointed it out, I have toned things down--hasn't made a difference though. Why is too eager bad? How does the other person view it? Personally, I would be beyond thrilled if another gal invited me to do a bunch of things or asked me to do something right after we met for the first time. I'd be thrilled that someone was friendly and interested in making a new friend. But I know it is off-putting to most, though I don't understand why. Can someone shed some light into that?

Because we take time to get to know other people. Too much too soon is just off putting.

[Anonymous]

"Well, this is only my theory but here it goes: I am tall, mid-thirties and reasonably attractive. I have healthy cute kids, a happy marriage, and I live in a nice neighborhood. I am in a desirable profession (think law, business, medicine). My kids behave (at least in public) and my house looks decent. So I think that people look at me as being too perfect, judgmental etc. I look at myself as not being anything unusual and there are many areas of improvement. The one thing is I don't like drama, don't have drama (long-term) in my life. Maybe your husband is on to someting. "

Do you express interest in the lives of others? Remember important details they've shared with you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, this has definitely been an issue--being too eager. My DH actually pointed this out to me, the fact that I do try to make plans with people soon-ish. I know that comes across as too eager and it is a personal fault of mine.

It's just hard because I want to make friends so badly! Since DH pointed it out, I have toned things down--hasn't made a difference though. Why is too eager bad? How does the other person view it? Personally, I would be beyond thrilled if another gal invited me to do a bunch of things or asked me to do something right after we met for the first time. I'd be thrilled that someone was friendly and interested in making a new friend. But I know it is off-putting to most, though I don't understand why. Can someone shed some light into that?

I can think of a gazillion reasons.

You don't have much in common. e.g., phase in life, geographical area, sense of humor, affiliations, etc.

People are busy with work, family, life, socializing, etc.

They already have their established circle of friends and are not inclined to put any effort into making more.

People are guarded, and your over-eager attitude may come across as desperate. You'd be suprised, it's just like dating. Just because you had a great dinner together the first time, doesn't automatically mean you are best friends so you need to give people time to process. Anyone can say "oh I had a lovely time, we should do this again sometime", bleh, it's called being polite, they don't have to mean it.

Some people are really introverts and perfectly content with no friends or few friends so reciprocating an invitation is not something that naturally occurs to them to do. They will come and hang out if you invite them but they will never return the favor because, well, it's not in their nature.

I mean the list is endless. It's hard to make non-superficial and sustainable friends in DC. It takes a lot of effort.