Why don't people reciprocate socially these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op you sound very interesting (but, it's DCUM so you could be batshit crazy). Willing to hang out with people with kids?

OP here. Thank you! Yes, I am willing to hang out with people with kids, sure.

For those who wondered I'm in my early 30's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one that mentioned meetup and also wonder how old you are. I have participated in Arlingon Couples' Meetup and 20's and 30's NOVA DC Couples and they have both been good experiences. We are a late 20's/early 30's couple though.. not sure if you are around the same age.

I have looked at these groups actually but they don't seem to meet very often. The other issue with meetups is that it's usually different people at each meetup, so it's hard to make friends with people as opposed to a team or something where you see the same people all the time.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, this may sound facetious but it isn't intended to be: have kids! (You said you are TTC so I don't mean that in a flip way.) I was in a similar situation years ago, and after having kids, it got soooo much easier because you meet so many people that way. Three of my current closest friends I met after having our first child, and while we initially met through our kids, the friendships aren't about the kids. HTH a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, this may sound facetious but it isn't intended to be: have kids! (You said you are TTC so I don't mean that in a flip way.) I was in a similar situation years ago, and after having kids, it got soooo much easier because you meet so many people that way. Three of my current closest friends I met after having our first child, and while we initially met through our kids, the friendships aren't about the kids. HTH a bit.

OP here. I can totally see how it would be easier to meet people once you have kids. That will probably be the case, but for now, it would just be nice to make some new friends.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through this but op, is it possible you talk about TTC too much?

[Anonymous]

Not that there's anything wrong with that but maybe they just can't relate.

[Anonymous]

Another thought...have you considered broaching the subject with the one close friend you've made?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thought...have you considered broaching the subject with the one close friend you've made?

Considered broaching which subject--the subject of how hard it is to make friends? If it's that one you're talking about, then yes, I have discussed that with her. She has been really great about it. She has organized a few lunches with her friends so that I can meet them, and I get along really well with her friends, it's just that most of them grew up in this area, have lots of family and friends here already, and their schedules seem like they're booked solid with social events. I'm trying to take my DH's advice and not be too eager/not invite them to do things too quickly, so of course when I take that approach, nothing happens and no one invites me.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I'd be happy to find people who are not white trash hit on your husband types!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

I'm who you're responding to. You're right -- they probably are thinking that -- and they're wrong. I don't always just sit and listen, there are plenty of times when I join in the conversation or start a completely different topic of conversation. We always get lively discussions going about a variety of things. BUT, when the conversation starts to slowly leak back into "husband harping and child bragging/whining" I just listen. After all, if I get into that conversation, it's not going to go well. Nobody is in that conversation to hear what anybody else has to say. They are in it just to talk, vent, brag, complain, etc... Why should I add to that? Your husband never mows the lawn. Your kids don't sleep through the night. Your kids are geniuses and going to AAP centers next year. Your kids are awesome soccer players and will get scholarships. Great! When people are in that mode, they do not want to hear that my husband does mow the lawn, my kids do sleep through the night, my kids are doing wonderfully in lacrosse, and that they are in advanced classes too (or maybe not...).
Again, I have no problem talking about other things in our lives: in-laws, work/life balance, jobs, our past (sordid or not!). I just can't get into the husband/kid competition that bleeds into much of what women talk about.

To the poster who asked why I call them my circle, it's because that really is the group of women I end up hanging out with the most (even though they hang out with each other more than I do). There is one woman in the group who is probably my BFF, even though she has many, many friends. She likes to be the "boss" and lead/organize the group. I don't mind that about her as she has many other lovely qualities, but she is looked to by a lot of the other women for advice and activities. You're right, they aren't great friends, but my true best friend is my husband and the loves of my life are my kids, so I just try to look past the fact that these women are not the type of women I'm going to grow old and Ya-Ya with.

In all seriousness this is the crux of your problem OP.

When women do this - they are looking for a personal connection with you. If you aren't going to make one, then they are not going to view you as a friend. They want to know you understand them personally and that you could be a confidant. Sitting there smiling and saying nothing or changing the subject implies to them that you are *not* interested in knowing about them "personally". Talking about what books they read or what they watch on tv - that's surface stuff really. It's what someone struggles with each day that is important to them and they want to know how receptive you are to that part of them.

You will likely never have the friendship you seek if you are too afraid to get to know people past the basics. That's ok if you don't but its really not the norm. To me saying "well I want to present a united front" comes off as "I am too insecure or scared to share details of my life'.

I'm the one who wrote the above. Why in the world do I have to bitch about my husband and kids to connect on a personal level with someone? Does my united front intimidate you?? I don't know why it would but, seriously, I'm starting to think that I have to be insecure in my marital relationship or constantly wearing my kids on my sleeve in order to have a close female relationship. I call bullshit. That can't possibly be the case. If it was, I'd have run into it before I moved here. I have no problem admitting that I get insecure and I can relate with these women in plenty of vulnerable ways -- not that they'd know that because they don't think to actually listen to a person. They're only looking for someone to authenticate their own feelings of insecurity by nodding and agreeing, "Yes, I know. My husband can be lazy too. If only he'd take out the trash (or fill in the blank!)." I just can't appreciate the bitching and moaning. I don't object to it when they do it but I choose to stay quiet. THAT and ONLY THAT is what, apparently, makes them think that I am intimidating (at least from what I've been told).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

I'm who you're responding to. You're right -- they probably are thinking that -- and they're wrong. I don't always just sit and listen, there are plenty of times when I join in the conversation or start a completely different topic of conversation. We always get lively discussions going about a variety of things. BUT, when the conversation starts to slowly leak back into "husband harping and child bragging/whining" I just listen. After all, if I get into that conversation, it's not going to go well. Nobody is in that conversation to hear what anybody else has to say. They are in it just to talk, vent, brag, complain, etc... Why should I add to that? Your husband never mows the lawn. Your kids don't sleep through the night. Your kids are geniuses and going to AAP centers next year. Your kids are awesome soccer players and will get scholarships. Great! When people are in that mode, they do not want to hear that my husband does mow the lawn, my kids do sleep through the night, my kids are doing wonderfully in lacrosse, and that they are in advanced classes too (or maybe not...).
Again, I have no problem talking about other things in our lives: in-laws, work/life balance, jobs, our past (sordid or not!). I just can't get into the husband/kid competition that bleeds into much of what women talk about.

To the poster who asked why I call them my circle, it's because that really is the group of women I end up hanging out with the most (even though they hang out with each other more than I do). There is one woman in the group who is probably my BFF, even though she has many, many friends. She likes to be the "boss" and lead/organize the group. I don't mind that about her as she has many other lovely qualities, but she is looked to by a lot of the other women for advice and activities. You're right, they aren't great friends, but my true best friend is my husband and the loves of my life are my kids, so I just try to look past the fact that these women are not the type of women I'm going to grow old and Ya-Ya with.

In all seriousness this is the crux of your problem OP.

When women do this - they are looking for a personal connection with you. If you aren't going to make one, then they are not going to view you as a friend. They want to know you understand them personally and that you could be a confidant. Sitting there smiling and saying nothing or changing the subject implies to them that you are *not* interested in knowing about them "personally". Talking about what books they read or what they watch on tv - that's surface stuff really. It's what someone struggles with each day that is important to them and they want to know how receptive you are to that part of them.

You will likely never have the friendship you seek if you are too afraid to get to know people past the basics. That's ok if you don't but its really not the norm. To me saying "well I want to present a united front" comes off as "I am too insecure or scared to share details of my life'.

I'm the one who wrote the above. Why in the world do I have to bitch about my husband and kids to connect on a personal level with someone? Does my united front intimidate you?? I don't know why it would but, seriously, I'm starting to think that I have to be insecure in my marital relationship or constantly wearing my kids on my sleeve in order to have a close female relationship. I call bullshit. That can't possibly be the case. If it was, I'd have run into it before I moved here. I have no problem admitting that I get insecure and I can relate with these women in plenty of vulnerable ways -- not that they'd know that because they don't think to actually listen to a person. They're only looking for someone to authenticate their own feelings of insecurity by nodding and agreeing, "Yes, I know. My husband can be lazy too. If only he'd take out the trash (or fill in the blank!)." I just can't appreciate the bitching and moaning. I don't object to it when they do it but I choose to stay quiet. THAT and ONLY THAT is what, apparently, makes them think that I am intimidating (at least from what I've been told).

I'm none of the quoted above. I would like to pipe up and say that unfortunately, there are some that connect by gossiping, or just discussing others. I don't do that (and I try to not do it) and I feel that perhaps I don't connect with some that do. That's their problem, not mine.

Also, OP, if people don't like you, you just have to say to yourself, that is their problem. I just read in a book, that if you have high self esteem, you don't need the approval/attention of others. But if you have low self esteem, you feel bad if others don't accept you, and you think that there is something wrong with you if others don't like you. Whereas if you have high self esteem, you think that others not accepting you is their problem. So, perhaps you need to make yourself feel better about yourself. Look at your good qualities.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever considered swinging? I know its not for everyone, but we've managed to make great connections and really broadened our horizons in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever considered swinging? I know its not for everyone, but we've managed to make great connections and really broadened our horizons in the process.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever considered swinging? I know its not for everyone, but we've managed to make great connections and really broadened our horizons in the process.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever considered swinging? I know its not for everyone, but we've managed to make great connections and really broadened our horizons in the process.

Um I am confident in posting that OP would like to keep her marriage intact and not take on extra sexual partners while trying to find friends.