Why don't people reciprocate socially these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Yes, this has definitely been an issue--being too eager. My DH actually pointed this out to me, the fact that I do try to make plans with people soon-ish. I know that comes across as too eager and it is a personal fault of mine.

It's just hard because I want to make friends so badly! Since DH pointed it out, I have toned things down--hasn't made a difference though. Why is too eager bad? How does the other person view it? Personally, I would be beyond thrilled if another gal invited me to do a bunch of things or asked me to do something right after we met for the first time. I'd be thrilled that someone was friendly and interested in making a new friend. But I know it is off-putting to most, though I don't understand why. Can someone shed some light into that?

I can think of a gazillion reasons.

You don't have much in common. e.g., phase in life, geographical area, sense of humor, affiliations, etc.

People are busy with work, family, life, socializing, etc.

They already have their established circle of friends and are not inclined to put any effort into making more.

People are guarded, and your over-eager attitude may come across as desperate. You'd be suprised, it's just like dating. Just because you had a great dinner together the first time, doesn't automatically mean you are best friends so you need to give people time to process. Anyone can say "oh I had a lovely time, we should do this again sometime", bleh, it's called being polite, they don't have to mean it.

Some people are really introverts and perfectly content with no friends or few friends so reciprocating an invitation is not something that naturally occurs to them to do. They will come and hang out if you invite them but they will never return the favor because, well, it's not in their nature.

I mean the list is endless. It's hard to make non-superficial and sustainable friends in DC. It takes a lot of effort.

Defintiely helpful things to think about, thank you for posting. What I've taken away from this list is to definitely work on being too over-eager. I guess though it just makes me wonder, what do I do next? How does someone who only has only made one friend in 5 years make new friends? I feel like I do all the right things--am interested in others, ask about others, listen more than talk, show empathy, etc. It's so frustrating and I am getting very down on myself because to try repeatedly to make friends for 5 years and not really have any friends to show for it is just depressing.

[Anonymous]

For me personally, Sense of humor plays a big role in my screening of new friends. I mean, you just gotta be laid back and expose the inner child in you sometimes. I drink, I curse, I'm sarcastic and don't take myself too seriously. I am all girly and tomboyish at the same time. Love my make-up, pretty clothes and shoes but also lift some serious weights at the gym, rough it out camping and thorougly enjoy physically adventurous activities. In addition to this, I have a family, a home, I'm responsible, have a great job, make a decent income and conduct myself like an adult appropriately.

I don't often meet many people I can relate to on this level and this ofcourse means fewer friends but what are ya going to do?

[Anonymous]

12:50 has pretty much captured my thoughts. The only thing I would add is that you may be more successful at making friends in situations where a common interest is already established and on-going contact is expected. In particular, I would suggest taking a course of some kind or joining a group. I did that when I was having a hard time making friends (joined a community jazz choir) and between class and practice ended up with a good group of friends, all of whom shared a common interest. Several of these folks are still close friends 10 years later. A lot of people I know like meetup too. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Defintiely helpful things to think about, thank you for posting. What I've taken away from this list is to definitely work on being too over-eager. I guess though it just makes me wonder, what do I do next? How does someone who only has only made one friend in 5 years make new friends? I feel like I do all the right things--am interested in others, ask about others, listen more than talk, show empathy, etc. It's so frustrating and I am getting very down on myself because to try repeatedly to make friends for 5 years and not really have any friends to show for it is just depressing.

Hear here!, I've had so many people waltz in and out of my life since I've been in DC, the list is countless. I think the key is to make friends through your interests. People gravitate towards others who enjoy the same things they do so if you have a particular interest, capitalize on that. And you gotta keep trying. Meetup groups, hobbies, classes, neighbors, co-workers, hell, people on the metro. You really have to put yourself out there without being too in your face ofcourse, but at the same time, try not to take the rejection too personally.

It really takes time and a lot of effort. That is unless ofcourse, you only want people you can go to happy hour with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really thinks its because people are so insanely busy.

I hate the whole "crazy busy" mentality here. I am not crazy busy at all.

In this life we make time for the things we want to do. I think it comes down to a belief, however wrong, that manners are no longer important. ai was brought up in a family where, if you had nothing else, you'd better have good manners. Many parents don't rear their children with manners and the kids rule the roost and, apparently, this is how today's parents were reared, as well. "I don't know if my DH will feel like socializing"??!! I agree, WTF? Thank you notes are now either thanking when receiving gift or an email or texting. Too much self importance in today's world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people.

I think your DH is on to something! I was good friends with someone who could only be described as a drama queen. She had tons of friends, lots of plans, etc. And she was usually fun to be around, at least as long as she was the one calling the shots. A core group of husbands and wives became close friends, this former friend and her husband included. It became apparent over a couple of years that, while the drama usually made for good entertainment, it really sucked when she roped you into it. She always felt the need to let us know she was queen bee by inserting herself into our lives, then making sure she was the first to spread any kind news, thereby making it possible to ever make an announcement if you mentioned it to her before the group at large; she always had to be the center of attention, regardless of what was going on, good or bad, in the lives of her friends that might trump her drama in any way; she constantly belittled each friend behind their back to the others in the group, but treated them like her BFF to their face; etc. I finally had it out with her on a trip we took together with another couple, where she tried to use her current drama as the reason for getting the best room in the place we had rented versus deciding this using a method that allowed all three couples an equal opportunity. I had had enough! Our friendship was on an incredibly rocky road for a little over a year after that. We tried reconciling, but when I told her I needed less drama, she told me I had to accept her as is since she wasn't planning to change. I "broke it off", if you will, and am very happy I did. While I don't have quite the social life I used to, I'm happy to be free of the drama. The other friends from our crowd? After some tension between the rest of them over her drama du jour, too, they've all remainded good friends. I've let the rest of those friendships fade over the years since they all still indulge in the drama (we know this because some of it gets repeated to us from time to time).

So be careful what you wish for, and definitely don't become a drama queen in order to make a few friends. Those of us who want good, solid friendships that are on equal footing aren't going to want a friend like that. Give it some time, cultivate your friendships (instead of diving right in) and see where it takes you. It's tough to make friends in this fast-paced area where people you know aren't all living close to you, but it is possible. I wouldn't trade the 3-4 very close friendships I've developed for an entire army of good-time drama queens like my former friend! Some of this may come with age. As a woman nearing 40, the quality of my friendships means vastly more to me these days than does the quantity. I couldn't have said the same thing 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

My advice, which I've posted here on this forum previously, is to look at people who might be looking to you for friendship, not just at those whom you think you want to be friends with. I've turned 3 acquaintances into friends this summer, because I got tired of chasing after people who simply weren't interested in being friends, or closer friends, with me. Seems simple, doesn't it? But easy to overlook people who make friendly overtures to you.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is only my theory but here it goes: I am tall, mid-thirties and reasonably attractive. I have healthy cute kids, a happy marriage, and I live in a nice neighborhood. I am in a desirable profession (think law, business, medicine). My kids behave (at least in public) and my house looks decent. So I think that people look at me as being too perfect, judgmental etc. I look at myself as not being anything unusual and there are many areas of improvement. The one thing is I don't like drama, don't have drama (long-term) in my life. Maybe your husband is on to someting.

This. This is my problem. Believe me, I'm far from perfect -- and my true friends know that -- but I have been told by others that I am too good at keeping it together. Thus, I intimidate people and they think that I think that I am too good for them. I know this because a friend of a friend told me that she didn't invite me over because she was envious of "the package." The package? Yes, the fact that I have it all put together in one package. I asked our mutual friend about this and she told me that I do come off as intimidating. So, I've tried to be a little more self-deprecating when I'm in groups but it's just not me. I don't whine and complain about my husband or kids. I like my life. It's hard to have friends when misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice, which I've posted here on this forum previously, is to look at people who might be looking to you for friendship, not just at those whom you think you want to be friends with. I've turned 3 acquaintances into friends this summer, because I got tired of chasing after people who simply weren't interested in being friends, or closer friends, with me. Seems simple, doesn't it? But easy to overlook people who make friendly overtures to you.

OP here. No one is looking to me for friendship. No one ever calls me, emails me (except for the one BFF I have here). No one is making friendly overtures to me. I can't remember the last time I was invited to do something. What's wrong with me? Should I find a new therapist who might be more helpful in telling me what I'm doing wrong to turn people off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, this is only my theory but here it goes: I am tall, mid-thirties and reasonably attractive. I have healthy cute kids, a happy marriage, and I live in a nice neighborhood. I am in a desirable profession (think law, business, medicine). My kids behave (at least in public) and my house looks decent. So I think that people look at me as being too perfect, judgmental etc. I look at myself as not being anything unusual and there are many areas of improvement. The one thing is I don't like drama, don't have drama (long-term) in my life. Maybe your husband is on to someting.

This. This is my problem. Believe me, I'm far from perfect -- and my true friends know that -- but I have been told by others that I am too good at keeping it together. Thus, I intimidate people and they think that I think that I am too good for them. I know this because a friend of a friend told me that she didn't invite me over because she was envious of "the package." The package? Yes, the fact that I have it all put together in one package. I asked our mutual friend about this and she told me that I do come off as intimidating. So, I've tried to be a little more self-deprecating when I'm in groups but it's just not me. I don't whine and complain about my husband or kids. I like my life. It's hard to have friends when misery loves company.

This is interesting, I personally would never think in this way but I guess others do. Can you elaborate more about what others meant about "the package?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice, which I've posted here on this forum previously, is to look at people who might be looking to you for friendship, not just at those whom you think you want to be friends with. I've turned 3 acquaintances into friends this summer, because I got tired of chasing after people who simply weren't interested in being friends, or closer friends, with me. Seems simple, doesn't it? But easy to overlook people who make friendly overtures to you.

OP here. No one is looking to me for friendship. No one ever calls me, emails me (except for the one BFF I have here). No one is making friendly overtures to me. I can't remember the last time I was invited to do something. What's wrong with me? Should I find a new therapist who might be more helpful in telling me what I'm doing wrong to turn people off?

I agree with the poster who said find a hobby or volunteer opportunity that's ongoing, so you'll have a chance to get to know others in the group over a period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice, which I've posted here on this forum previously, is to look at people who might be looking to you for friendship, not just at those whom you think you want to be friends with. I've turned 3 acquaintances into friends this summer, because I got tired of chasing after people who simply weren't interested in being friends, or closer friends, with me. Seems simple, doesn't it? But easy to overlook people who make friendly overtures to you.

OP here. No one is looking to me for friendship. No one ever calls me, emails me (except for the one BFF I have here). No one is making friendly overtures to me. I can't remember the last time I was invited to do something. What's wrong with me? Should I find a new therapist who might be more helpful in telling me what I'm doing wrong to turn people off?

I agree with the poster who said find a hobby or volunteer opportunity that's ongoing, so you'll have a chance to get to know others in the group over a period of time.

OP here. I am involved in a wonderful ongoing volunteer opportunity (but no friend potential there), and I am a member of a gym, where I participate in workout classes that are ongoing. I guess I could do more. Just saying that it's still hard to make friends even when you're part of these things.

[Anonymous]

Don't give up on us. We have lived here for the past 10 years (left and come back, etc). I grew up in the area, have family in the area. We have always been very social people.

With pre-kid friends, family, work friends, new neighbor friends, friends from kids' preschools, cousins, DH's long work hours, my work schedule, kids' sports and activities, etc...the schedule gets insanely busy. Add in a few week vacations this month and we are essentially booked until October. We have one couple that I soooooooooooooo want to get back together with and we owe them a dinner--but I haven't found a weekend yet. I will!

Try not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't give up on us. We have lived here for the past 10 years (left and come back, etc). I grew up in the area, have family in the area. We have always been very social people.

With pre-kid friends, family, work friends, new neighbor friends, friends from kids' preschools, cousins, DH's long work hours, my work schedule, kids' sports and activities, etc...the schedule gets insanely busy. Add in a few week vacations this month and we are essentially booked until October. We have one couple that I soooooooooooooo want to get back together with and we owe them a dinner--but I haven't found a weekend yet. I will!

Try not to take it personally.

OP here. I wish my schedule was even slightly busy but it's not. Booked until October? I don't even have a single social get together on my calendar at all. It's hard for me to understand people who have all these social engagements--I wish I was like that. But we are not from the area and have no family here so we have no one inviting us to do things ever. My one BFF here is like you. She grew up here and has family in the area and is always booked solid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't give up on us. We have lived here for the past 10 years (left and come back, etc). I grew up in the area, have family in the area. We have always been very social people.

With pre-kid friends, family, work friends, new neighbor friends, friends from kids' preschools, cousins, DH's long work hours, my work schedule, kids' sports and activities, etc...the schedule gets insanely busy. Add in a few week vacations this month and we are essentially booked until October. We have one couple that I soooooooooooooo want to get back together with and we owe them a dinner--but I haven't found a weekend yet. I will!

Try not to take it personally.

OP here. I wish my schedule was even slightly busy but it's not. Booked until October? I don't even have a single social get together on my calendar at all. It's hard for me to understand people who have all these social engagements--I wish I was like that. But we are not from the area and have no family here so we have no one inviting us to do things ever. My one BFF here is like you. She grew up here and has family in the area and is always booked solid.

We have about 5 family member bdays, parents 45 wedding anniversary, dh's 40th, preschool silent auction, trip to nyc, a wedding, etc...the fall is insane time for us. Give it time. Not sure how old your kids are...we have got incrementally busier as they've gotten older--now 3.5 and 6.