Why don't people reciprocate socially these days?
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Anonymous
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Why is it that every time I invite someone to do something (new potential friend), we go out, have a great time (or so it seems), and then I never hear from them again? DH and I have lived in the DC area for five years and this has happened over and over again, to both of us. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to bother trying anymore to make new friends. I've made one BFF here in the five years we've been here. Other than that, haven't made any other friends or acquaintances and I never have anyone to hang out with when DH is working or busy (the BFF has tons of friends and can only hang with me once a month usually). What generally happens is I'll meet someone who seems fun at the gym or whatever, I'll invite them for lunch/coffee, we'll go out, have a great time, exchange cards, and then that's it. I'll email/call them a few weeks later to follow up and they don't return my email/call. And then I never hear from them again. We just had this happen with a potential couple friend from a sports team DH plays on. He invited the guy and his girlfriend out with us, we had a great dinner, they kept talking about what a great time they were having, and then we never hear from them again (and this was 3 months ago).
Why is this? Does anyone else have this happen to them? I'm so perplexed about what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal woman in my early 30's, happily married, no drama. I want to make friends and I have been unable to do so here. It really gets to me. We're TTC by the way, no kids. |
Anonymous
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I could have written your post. I try really hard not to take it personally, but at a certain point (after, say, two unreciprocated invitations), I stop.
I'm sorry we don't know each other in real life -- I'd invite you over! |
Anonymous
| We have two very young kids and only socialize in any real way about once a month, if that. It could take us months to invite you to something again, even if we love you. And it's hard enough keeping up with the friends we already had, prebaby, so unless we got our act together to have a party, it might be a year. |
Anonymous
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I have the same problem. I really thinks its because people are so insanely busy. (at least I hope that's the problem). I have tried to think if I am coming off odd to people, you know, condescending, or superior, or something else that could be putting them off.
But whenever I make plans with them myself they always want to go |
Anonymous
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Yes, it happens frequently. We have this one family in particular where the kids are very friendly with our kids. I had the whole family over for dinner and then as part of a larger party - then nothing. The kids keep playing, but no invitation to dinner or evening socializing is forthcoming. I heard the mom complaining to other friends that she's afraid to schedule something on the chance her husband might not feel like socializing. I'd be like, WTF dude? this is part of adult life.
So.....I just don't invite the whole family anymore. No sense in continuing to feed them dinner, wine, etc. with no reciprocation. There are other families who do reciprocate that I am cultivating instead. |
Anonymous
OP here--thanks! I do take it personally, I don't see how one couldn't take it personally. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal person. DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people. I even started seeing a therapist so I could get some objective feedback about why I can't make friends and what I'm doing to turn people off. The therapist was not able to offer me any suggestions. |
Anonymous
I hate the whole "crazy busy" mentality here. I am not crazy busy at all. |
Anonymous
| You may be writing about me. Before I returned to work, I tried to go out with my little one [age 1 at the time], but it was so hard! I really enjoyed going out and socializing, but I never got the hang of having the little one in tow and organizing my day around her naps was hard enough without making plans with a third person on top of it. It's not you. It's me. |
Anonymous
| OP here--so my question is, why don't they just return my follow up email/call? They don't have to actually reciprocate, but why do they just ignore me after that, despite a fun outing? I don't understand why someone would do that. Can anyone who has done that shed some light as to why? I could understand if the outing didn't seem to go well, but it always does and they say how much fun they had, and then I never hear from them again. This has happened to me over and over. It has really done a number on my self-esteem! But I really want to have friends here. |
Anonymous
OP here--but I haven't ever socialized with moms. Just single or married gals without kids yet. But I understand what you're saying. |
Anonymous
| I go through the same thing. I think a big part of it is the hassle in logistics in getting together in a big metro area, especially with kids. I live in NoVa and some of my fave people live in MD or DC. Dinner during the week is a huge hassle. On weekends we take turns meeting in the middle or near one of us. I basically rotate through friends and organize get togethers. Imagine how things would be different if you lived within 10-20 min of your friends. |
Anonymous
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Yep, we don't get a lot of return invites. We tend to entertain a lot, but we try to keep it simple. Just having BBQs and telling people to bring the whole family. We always have big turnouts and everyone is lovely, but it doesn't seem others do the same.
And don't get me started on playdates. I'm always the one inviting and hosting. |
Anonymous
| They're just not into you. |
Anonymous
OP here. For this reason I really only socialize with people in my area, so that it will be easier to potentially get together. |
Anonymous
Dear OP, you are describing me in a lot of ways and I have the same problem. Are you from another country by chance? I am and I have found it very diffcult to connect with people. I have made more efforts to reach out to people and that has helped but I have also discovered that some of those people bring drama to my life that I don't need. I have been told that I come off as intimidating and not easily approachable. By the way, I would totally be up to getting to know you but it seems inappropriate to connect from an anonymous board based on what I read 
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