Why don't people reciprocate socially these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm actually up to my eyeballs in obligations to get together with friends, family, etc, but don't have enough time or energy, and esp. not for new friends.

Reasons why this is the case:

I've lived here for over 15 years, since roughly after college
Family and friends from college, old jobs, are here
Now we have new friends from the kids school and they have b-day parties, get togethers, etc.
We want some family time together on the weekends, just the 4 of us, after not getting much time together all week
Even though I'm pretty social on the surface, I consider myself an introvert, and I get tired from talking to people sometimes, esp. after a full day or week at work.
DH is definitely an introvert too, and really values his own alone time and family time on the weekend.

Consequently we say no to alot, and I feel like a biyatch. Don't get me wrong, I like new people, I'm a friendly person, and it's nothing personal, but i work fulltime as does DH, we play with our preschool aged kids, and after that 90% of the time I just want to rest after a full day. There are only 4-5 weekends a month and I don't want to go out more than 2-3 nights a week, (say 1 weekend night and 1 weeknight solo while the DH watches the kids). I also don't like being overscheduled, which I kinda think we are and the kids aren't even in elementary school yet or taking any classes.

In short, please don't take it personally--it's me, not you.

OP here--it's hard to be the newbie. We've only been here for a few years and moved here not having any friends or family in the area. Added to this is that DH works long hours so I am alone a lot in the evenings and on weekends. It's lonely. I'd love to make a few more friends in the area to get together with. I have a lot of interests and love doing activities, it's just that I always end up doing them alone. I did not think making friends here would be so hard. I wish my schedule was like yours above! I wish we felt like we had some sense of community here or any semblance of a social life! It's also hard to be completely alone on holidays too, since we have no family in the area.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I think you should join a group or two that meets on a regular basis. Those are the people that generally want to make friends -- a book club, a sport, etc.

Also, I don't agree that you're supposed to reciprocate if you ask someone to do somethings (unless it's a dinner invitation). But if you find you are always doing all the calling, then the other person is probably not so interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there is no excuse for not responding to emails or calls - that's not right.

I am probably guilty of not reciprocating enough. In my case, it's an insecurity thing, which I'm not proud of. I feel like my house isn't nice enough, I'm not a very good cook/entertainer, and with WOH, I really struggle from a time perspective just to survive much less throw fabulous dinner get-togethers which don't come naturally or easily to me. I feel like everyone in our neighborhood and school has a nicer home or a country club membership or a lovely backyard pool or patio - none of which we have to offer. In my brain, I know that if people are truly good at heart, they won't/shouldn't care about these things, but nevertheless, they create anxiety for me, which makes me reluctant to host. I guess in summary, I lack the confidence to host/invite. Like the OP, I've learned this results in few friendships developing, so I've realized I need to try harder and be creative to find ways to reciprocate.

I do try to be a good guest by always coming equipped with a nice bottle of wine or flowers, offering to bring something like dessert (which I can cook in advance on my own time), and following up the next day to say thanks. I actually like being asked to contribute - makes me feel less guilty about imposing. I also make sure if my kids are involved that they help clean up so we're not leaving our hosts' home a mess.

I guess I'd say, don't give up on people like me if you really like us. Some of us just aren't good hosters. Give us ways to socialize or help out that don't require us to be in charge or entertain. Find other ways for us to come together - I'm happy to help with driving, or to volunteer on that cause you really believe in, or to pitch in with that school or sports project. Just don't ask me to host a cocktail party or brunch at my house.

OP here--when I invite people to do things, it's always go out for lunch or coffee somewhere. I don't expect friends to invite me over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

And here we have the perfect example of two people who should not attempt a friendship. I am more like the 'people you know' and sadly, I meet mostly women who think like you and I hate it. There is no way that we can have a meaningful relationship because, no matter what, you find fault with what I deem the poster's noble attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I think you should join a group or two that meets on a regular basis. Those are the people that generally want to make friends -- a book club, a sport, etc.

Also, I don't agree that you're supposed to reciprocate if you ask someone to do somethings (unless it's a dinner invitation). But if you find you are always doing all the calling, then the other person is probably not so interested.

I am in a couple groups that meet on a regular basis. I'm in a book club, I go to a gym (and do classes), and I volunteer on an ongoing volunteer project that is a group kind of thing. I know I could do more and I'm looking for more to do. But I've found (even with meetup groups) that people aren't always looking to make friends at these kinds of things. Of course, it could very well be that they're not interested in making friends with me. I don't know. Still trying to figure this all out!

[Anonymous]

I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

it's not necessarily "ragging" on your husband. I'm a private person and I like to present that whole one unit image to my friends, i.e., if you criticize my husband/family, you criticize me, because, well, that's how I feel. At the same time though, I know my husband is no angel and I sometimes vent about his annoying habits to friends, to balance out the perspective, I also praise him to friends when appropriate. What I don't participate in is name calling or disparaging remarks because I consider that unfair to someone you sleep in the same bed with everynight.

Nobody has it together all the time and if you are able to share your vulnerabilities, people will gravitate to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

I'm who you're responding to. You're right -- they probably are thinking that -- and they're wrong. I don't always just sit and listen, there are plenty of times when I join in the conversation or start a completely different topic of conversation. We always get lively discussions going about a variety of things. BUT, when the conversation starts to slowly leak back into "husband harping and child bragging/whining" I just listen. After all, if I get into that conversation, it's not going to go well. Nobody is in that conversation to hear what anybody else has to say. They are in it just to talk, vent, brag, complain, etc... Why should I add to that? Your husband never mows the lawn. Your kids don't sleep through the night. Your kids are geniuses and going to AAP centers next year. Your kids are awesome soccer players and will get scholarships. Great! When people are in that mode, they do not want to hear that my husband does mow the lawn, my kids do sleep through the night, my kids are doing wonderfully in lacrosse, and that they are in advanced classes too (or maybe not...).
Again, I have no problem talking about other things in our lives: in-laws, work/life balance, jobs, our past (sordid or not!). I just can't get into the husband/kid competition that bleeds into much of what women talk about.

To the poster who asked why I call them my circle, it's because that really is the group of women I end up hanging out with the most (even though they hang out with each other more than I do). There is one woman in the group who is probably my BFF, even though she has many, many friends. She likes to be the "boss" and lead/organize the group. I don't mind that about her as she has many other lovely qualities, but she is looked to by a lot of the other women for advice and activities. You're right, they aren't great friends, but my true best friend is my husband and the loves of my life are my kids, so I just try to look past the fact that these women are not the type of women I'm going to grow old and Ya-Ya with.

[Anonymous]

It was all so easy in grade school. All you needed was a sandbox.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Yes, this has definitely been an issue--being too eager. My DH actually pointed this out to me, the fact that I do try to make plans with people soon-ish. I know that comes across as too eager and it is a personal fault of mine.

It's just hard because I want to make friends so badly! Since DH pointed it out, I have toned things down--hasn't made a difference though. Why is too eager bad? How does the other person view it? Personally, I would be beyond thrilled if another gal invited me to do a bunch of things or asked me to do something right after we met for the first time. I'd be thrilled that someone was friendly and interested in making a new friend. But I know it is off-putting to most, though I don't understand why. Can someone shed some light into that?

I can think of a gazillion reasons.

You don't have much in common. e.g., phase in life, geographical area, sense of humor, affiliations, etc.

People are busy with work, family, life, socializing, etc.

They already have their established circle of friends and are not inclined to put any effort into making more.

People are guarded, and your over-eager attitude may come across as desperate. You'd be suprised, it's just like dating. Just because you had a great dinner together the first time, doesn't automatically mean you are best friends so you need to give people time to process. Anyone can say "oh I had a lovely time, we should do this again sometime", bleh, it's called being polite, they don't have to mean it.

Some people are really introverts and perfectly content with no friends or few friends so reciprocating an invitation is not something that naturally occurs to them to do. They will come and hang out if you invite them but they will never return the favor because, well, it's not in their nature.

I mean the list is endless. It's hard to make non-superficial and sustainable friends in DC. It takes a lot of effort.

Couldn't have put it better myself. I'm busy with my family who I really like and enjoy spending time with, so I don't have extra time for BFFs. I don't like a whole lot of OPD (Other People's Drama), so the friends I have, I've had for 30+ years. All of us are very LOW MAINTENANCE. We check in with in with each other every couple of months and we are all okay with that. If you invite me to your house, I MAY show up. But please don't expect me to reciprocate. When I did do a lot of heavy hosting, I NEVER expected anyone to return the favor. I did it because I enjoy cooking and sharing with good friends and family from time to time.

Are you from a smaller town or city? If so, then I understand why you're so baffled. Things are different in smaller places. We lived in a small southern city for 4 years and people were really into BFFs and socials. I found it an interesting study in human behavior.

[Anonymous]

I hope that some of you contact OP at her email address and that maybe she will organize a get together. I think I will (just need enough nerve to be able to admit to peopel that I would like to make some friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope that some of you contact OP at her email address and that maybe she will organize a get together. I think I will (just need enough nerve to be able to admit to peopel that I would like to make some friends).

I'd like to but, wow, isn't that a lot of pressure??? What if we really don't hit it off and we're left with - well - never talking to each other again?

[Anonymous]

I would contact you OP but I don't have the "package" so we may not have too much in common, but goodluck out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that some of you contact OP at her email address and that maybe she will organize a get together. I think I will (just need enough nerve to be able to admit to peopel that I would like to make some friends).

I'd like to but, wow, isn't that a lot of pressure??? What if we really don't hit it off and we're left with - well - never talking to each other again?

Therapy for all of us ??? More DCUM posts? The options are endless...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would contact you OP but I don't have the "package" so we may not have too much in common, but goodluck out there!

OP here. I'm not the one who has "the package." I was just remarking that I could empathize with those that do, because I can empathize with anyone who has problems making friends, as I have. I'm far from having "the package." I don't have kids, and I don't even have a job right now (job searching). My career is far from impressive--I'm not a lawyer, businesswoman, etc. I don't have a social circle. Yep, definitely not "the package" or anywhere near it!

[Anonymous]

You can't over emphasize the importance of sharing common interests. Friendships are just hard to make without it. If all you ever invite people to do is have coffee, dinner or go to happy hour, it will get old fast, especially for people who are into activities. There is only so much sitting around chit chatting one can do before the conversation wanes. But if you have activities lined up like hiking, seminars, salsa dancing, zumba, crocheting or whatever floats your boat, people who share those interests will respond to these invitations more and you have a chance of building something concrete from there.

I know, for me, I get tired of the endless dinners and happy hour gatherings, same shit, different bar.