MIL asked DH to live with her after FIL’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.

Ugh that is sad. My MIL is very similar- FIL has a terminal diagnosis and she doesn't want to tell anyone, even though she could have a support network in their area, and paid caregiving help, if she would just accept it. Instead she'll ask SIL to drive 3hrs each way to stay with FIL while she goes to get a haircut. It's unsustainable but she's so stubborn.

I am not going to automatically blame the MIL for this. Unfortunately, my own DH had a terminal diagnosis and did not want me to share with others, not our family or friends. During his last months, it was just DS, the doctors, and me who knew the truth. DH lived in denial, believing things would change. It didn't, and people were surprised when I finally had to share his death with others. As i type this, I am balling with the memory and loss. Until you have to personally make such decisions, it's not right to pass the fault. Death is not rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not disrespect, it’s selfishness typical of so many old people. Plus judging by what you told about her she was always selfish.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess the reason I’m letting this bother me is because she’s now talking about moving to be closer to us. Net-net, I think this is a good thing. But she’s been callously hurtful to my oldest kid in the past, and I’ve never forgiven her for this. And now there’s a good chance that we’re going to live near each other and see each other a lot. Her request to DH that he stay with her for a couple months while telling us not to visit reminds me that she doesn’t particularly care for my kids (until they become useful to her, as DH is).

She’s a self centered taker and isn’t going to change. She will not give a crap about you or your kids unless you are of use to her. Let DH deal with her but don’t take on 90% of the little kid care because MIL is constantly dragging him away when she moves closer. He’s going to have to learn to say no to her.

Things won’t be the way she dictates. For example, she gets invited over to dinner at a time and day that’s appropriate for the kids schedule and adults work schedule. Dinner is something simple or takeout. Kids go to bed at a normal time. MIL goes home at predetermined and agreed upon time. What doesn’t happen is that MIL chooses the most inconvenient time and day, adults have to leave work early, kids have to skip activities, wifey cooks a state dinner served on fine china of recipes dicted by MIL which MIL proceeds to criticize, MIL is chauffeured to the house, MIL stays for hours sipping de cafe coffee while over tired kids bounce around and MIL is chauffeured home.

Second example, he will have to say no to being at her beck and call. She can Uber to appointments. He isn’t leaving work for every appointment. If she buys a house, he is not her landscaper or repair man. She has to hire someone for those services. She needs to know this upfront before thinking ooh I’d prefer a house and my son can just do the upkeep! No need for a condo, I’m a special princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure you can come live closer to us but we know how much you value being completely independent of us, and how you struggle to tolerate spending any time with me or the kids, so we suggest you make sure your new home is in an area with a lot of social opportunities for you so you aren’t needing to see us more than once every couple weeks. Especially with the kids getting older and not being as flexible as they have been for the past decade.

DS would still need to go to where MIL is currently located to help with everything that goes with closing down FIL's former life and the beginning of MIL's new life.

Op sounds very reasonable and I’m sure she’d have no problem with him staying with MIL for a few days to talk to a realtor or whatever. An open ended “give up your own life and forget about your actual family for a few months to be here when I wasn’t there for you guys” is not that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess the reason I’m letting this bother me is because she’s now talking about moving to be closer to us. Net-net, I think this is a good thing. But she’s been callously hurtful to my oldest kid in the past, and I’ve never forgiven her for this. And now there’s a good chance that we’re going to live near each other and see each other a lot. Her request to DH that he stay with her for a couple months while telling us not to visit reminds me that she doesn’t particularly care for my kids (until they become useful to her, as DH is).

WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND THINK? You are just me me me me in all your posts.

And you want her to invite your kids but you've never forgiven her for hurting one of your kids? You need to sort your sht out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would your DH work if he lived with his mom? How is she paying her bills? Does she have siblings or other children or friends closer to her?
I’m a widow too- I think her request was selfish. If her husband was sick for a while (mine was) there was a lot of time to prepare for life without him. I do believe everyone grieves differently but you are right to be concerned OP. What she is requesting is not healthy for your marriage and your husbands relationship with his children.

A lot of DH’s work can be done remotely. He has to travel to his HQ every once in a while, so she’s asking he homebase at her place & travel to HQ from there.

FIL was diagnosed late last summer. She did have time to prepare, but I understand her wanting to lean on DH so much. It just bugs me that she’s saying DH please stay, but I don’t want the rest of your family here. When DH visits her next month, she explicitly told us not to come.

So? You hate her - why do you want her to have you at her house?

[Anonymous]

The answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Grieving or not, totally inappropriate to ask a married adult child to live with you. Moving closer is one thing but not moving in. Nope. Not reasonable, even in grief.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell me you are a White woman without telling me you are a White woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want to vent here, go for it. But as others have said this is a grieving old woman who is alone, devastated and scared. She asked for what she wanted. It's okay if she's gently and kindly told no.

If she moves near you and that means a once a week dinner with an old widow for two hours, you can deal with that.

Being old and widowed is not an automatic pass for poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

This is why they invented i dependent living communities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have lived the day to day of the final weeks w/ someone w/ advanced cancer, you need to get off your high horse and have compassion. After my mom died of terrible cancer, I couldnt put a rational thought together. I realized I had not actually slept a really night in 2 months. I was truly delirious and then overwhelmed w/ every decision and all sorts of paperwork. There is no way I was thinking logically. Give the woman a break and let her process this and catch up on sleep before you jump on her.

Widow here again. My DH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I took care of him and our young children for years. Years. While working full time. My delirium, as you call it, lasted for years.
Please think twice before you accuse other people of lacking in compassion. It’s her husband OP is thinking of first. Her children and her marriage come first. And that’s ok and healthy.
Please offer constructive and compassionate solutions to her problem.

[Anonymous]

Your husband isn’t doing that. He’s doing some traveling back and forth which seems appropriate. OP, you just sound spiteful. Clearly you and MIL have had a poor relationship. Your complaints are so vague it’s difficult to know whether this is as one sided as you’re implying. But even if it is, now is a time for mercy and compassion. It will be a gift to your husband, your children, and to yourself if you let go of your bitterness. She’s grieving and scared, yes the request was OTT, but who cares?

You and DH will have time to talk about what things will look like if she moves closer. He’s her only child and he will probably need to participate more in her life/care than you’d like. That doesn’t mean that she’s the top boss, but it does mean that you’ll have to accept some impact. If she’s hurtful to your children then by all means, protect them. But you’ll damage your marriage and poison your own happiness if you don’t accept that this change is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would your DH work if he lived with his mom? How is she paying her bills? Does she have siblings or other children or friends closer to her?
I’m a widow too- I think her request was selfish. If her husband was sick for a while (mine was) there was a lot of time to prepare for life without him. I do believe everyone grieves differently but you are right to be concerned OP. What she is requesting is not healthy for your marriage and your husbands relationship with his children.

A lot of DH’s work can be done remotely. He has to travel to his HQ every once in a while, so she’s asking he homebase at her place & travel to HQ from there.

FIL was diagnosed late last summer. She did have time to prepare, but I understand her wanting to lean on DH so much. It just bugs me that she’s saying DH please stay, but I don’t want the rest of your family here. When DH visits her next month, she explicitly told us not to come.

It sounds like you have a DH problem. “If my family isn’t welcome then I won’t be able to make it, sorry.” Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Your attitude toward your sil and children is horrible. It's childish and small minded to treat your brother's family this way. They are family. Your expectation that he will be around you without his family is awful. The whole "blood family" is so backwards and ignorant. Grow up.