MIL asked DH to live with her after FIL’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

You're ignoring so much of what op posted. It's kind of dishonest.

Clearly mil wants nothing or little to do with her son's family and does not view them as family. Who does this? Think about that. That is screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite her to move in with you.

You forgot the "/s".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Your dad doesn’t have a “rapport” with his grandchildren? That’s incredibly weird and sad.

They're not "blood family". I have sils like this. my mil never wanted her kids to marry and leave her. It is very sick and dysfunctional. Two of my sils are in their 50s/60s and have never so much as dated because it would upset mil. She was horrible to the her dils. It's clear this isn't behavior brought about by the death. The woman wants son back just like my mil.

[Anonymous]

In some bows they say, what God has joined together, let no one put asunder. Not even yer mom. So, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have lived the day to day of the final weeks w/ someone w/ advanced cancer, you need to get off your high horse and have compassion. After my mom died of terrible cancer, I couldnt put a rational thought together. I realized I had not actually slept a really night in 2 months. I was truly delirious and then overwhelmed w/ every decision and all sorts of paperwork. There is no way I was thinking logically. Give the woman a break and let her process this and catch up on sleep before you jump on her.

You're ignoring op's posts. Yes, the woman is grieving but it's clear she doesn't view and op and their children as family. That has been going on for some time and is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

I think you're being really dramatic. Presumably your MIL is older and this is the first time in many decades that she has been alone.

Can your husband do his job remotely? Does he have siblings? Does he want to go stay with her for a few months?

I get that having your spouse gone and you have young kids is a lot - do you work, OP? I'm guessing no or you wouldn't expect her to have invited you as well.

You have clearly never liked you MIL, but in my opinion, this is your husband's call to make. He can't be blind to the imposition it puts on your and your kids, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if you don't work, then you are being really selfish and rude.

Utter bull shite!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

I think you're being really dramatic. Presumably your MIL is older and this is the first time in many decades that she has been alone.

Can your husband do his job remotely? Does he have siblings? Does he want to go stay with her for a few months?

I get that having your spouse gone and you have young kids is a lot - do you work, OP? I'm guessing no or you wouldn't expect her to have invited you as well.

You have clearly never liked you MIL, but in my opinion, this is your husband's call to make. He can't be blind to the imposition it puts on your and your kids, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if you don't work, then you are being really selfish and rude.

How disingenuous you are. It is clear mil has never liked op. You clearly are not married with a family when you say this is dh's call to make. That's crap and no, that wouldn't fly in most families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.

Ugh that is sad. My MIL is very similar- FIL has a terminal diagnosis and she doesn't want to tell anyone, even though she could have a support network in their area, and paid caregiving help, if she would just accept it. Instead she'll ask SIL to drive 3hrs each way to stay with FIL while she goes to get a haircut. It's unsustainable but she's so stubborn.

This is what my ils are like. Bil was dying and they kept it quiet and didn't let friends or even his adopted son see him for over 6 months as he was dying. There was no service after he died, no obituary even. They are the type that if it doesn't benefit them directly, or costs them a cent, they won't do anything. They are some of the most selfish people I've ever met in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, tell me you are a White woman without telling me you are a White woman.

You're a racist idiot. Nothing about this post is specific to white people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

You're ignoring so much of what op posted. It's kind of dishonest.

Clearly mil wants nothing or little to do with her son's family and does not view them as family. Who does this? Think about that. That is screwed up.

If OP has problems with her MIl’s behavior towards her children, then the time to bring that up is literally anytime other than while her FIL was dying or the immediate grief period after his death.

But right now, that is irrelevant. Right now what is relevant is that in the first couple months after an elderly person is widowed it is not unusual for them to be fearful be being alone, or to ask for things that would be unreasonable at any other time. Responding with anger rather than compassion (and OP’s DH can compassionately say “I wish I could do that, but I need to be back home for work. What can we get set up to help?”) is cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

You're ignoring so much of what op posted. It's kind of dishonest.

Clearly mil wants nothing or little to do with her son's family and does not view them as family. Who does this? Think about that. That is screwed up.

If OP has problems with her MIl’s behavior towards her children, then the time to bring that up is literally anytime other than while her FIL was dying or the immediate grief period after his death.

But right now, that is irrelevant. Right now what is relevant is that in the first couple months after an elderly person is widowed it is not unusual for them to be fearful be being alone, or to ask for things that would be unreasonable at any other time. Responding with anger rather than compassion (and OP’s DH can compassionately say “I wish I could do that, but I need to be back home for work. What can we get set up to help?”) is cruel.

Op is venting here. I don't see her responding with anger. She's seeing the same old behavior she has seen from this selfish woman from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Your attitude toward your sil and children is horrible. It's childish and small minded to treat your brother's family this way. They are family. Your expectation that he will be around you without his family is awful. The whole "blood family" is so backwards and ignorant. Grow up.

Yeah I agree this is awful. My husbands sister is exactly the same. She only wants to see him, completely ignores our children and still acts like I’m a random girlfriend he insists on bringing around instead of his wife of 15 years. And my mom does the same with me and wants me to go to dinner with them without my husband saying “he can get himself takeout.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Your attitude toward your sil and children is horrible. It's childish and small minded to treat your brother's family this way. They are family. Your expectation that he will be around you without his family is awful. The whole "blood family" is so backwards and ignorant. Grow up.

Yeah I agree this is awful. My husbands sister is exactly the same. She only wants to see him, completely ignores our children and still acts like I’m a random girlfriend he insists on bringing around instead of his wife of 15 years. And my mom does the same with me and wants me to go to dinner with them without my husband saying “he can get himself takeout.”

It's so anti family and low class.

[Anonymous]

Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In some bows they say, what God has joined together, let no one put asunder. Not even yer mom. So, no.

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