MIL asked DH to live with her after FIL’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some bows they say, what God has joined together, let no one put asunder. Not even yer mom. So, no.

🔥

This post says a lot. These people who want nothing to do with their inlaw families are anti family and undermine people's marriages. It's hard enough to stay married. People who do this are selfish and are insidiously hurting their siblings/children's marriages but they don't care. They just want what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

I think you're being really dramatic. Presumably your MIL is older and this is the first time in many decades that she has been alone.

Can your husband do his job remotely? Does he have siblings? Does he want to go stay with her for a few months?

I get that having your spouse gone and you have young kids is a lot - do you work, OP? I'm guessing no or you wouldn't expect her to have invited you as well.

You have clearly never liked you MIL, but in my opinion, this is your husband's call to make. He can't be blind to the imposition it puts on your and your kids, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if you don't work, then you are being really selfish and rude.

How disingenuous you are. It is clear mil has never liked op. You clearly are not married with a family when you say this is dh's call to make. That's crap and no, that wouldn't fly in most families.

I am married with a family and if my husband wanted to do this to support his mom then we would discuss it. I wouldn't just shut it down because I don't like my MIL. OP is being selfish, at least own it. She didn't mention what her husband wanted out of this, it's just all about her. On the flip side, I'd never ask someone to do this, but that's not the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

You're ignoring so much of what op posted. It's kind of dishonest.

Clearly mil wants nothing or little to do with her son's family and does not view them as family. Who does this? Think about that. That is screwed up.

If OP has problems with her MIl’s behavior towards her children, then the time to bring that up is literally anytime other than while her FIL was dying or the immediate grief period after his death.

But right now, that is irrelevant. Right now what is relevant is that in the first couple months after an elderly person is widowed it is not unusual for them to be fearful be being alone, or to ask for things that would be unreasonable at any other time. Responding with anger rather than compassion (and OP’s DH can compassionately say “I wish I could do that, but I need to be back home for work. What can we get set up to help?”) is cruel.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

NP. I would never ask this of my children. Not in a million years. It’s selfish. Sounds like she is also paying the price for being co-dependent for decades. She have had a life outside of her husband and friends and others she could lean on for support. Her fault for not thinking ahead and being independent.

[Anonymous]

Time to find her an assisted living situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to find her an assisted living situation.

Agree with this. I think some women take too long to move after their spouse passes. Living and maintaining a property on your own is difficult, especially when you are 70+ and accustomed to having a spouse,

[Anonymous]

What does your husband think OP?

[Anonymous]

I lived with my Dad for two months after my mother passed, I did not like the idea of my dad alone in the home they had shared until the day she died. My then-toddler came with me, my husband came every weekend and fully supported the decision.

This is the privilege of the parents who put in the work with adult kids. You alienate your in laws and grandchildren and you get to deal with this sad time alone.

[Anonymous]

Any signs of cognitive decline? With her personality it is possible she may be trying to hide it if there is.

[Anonymous]

Actually I think OP and her MIL have a lot in common. Both show limited empathy and low emotional intelligence, and little facility at having difficult conversations during stressful times.

That said, circumstances of illness, end of life, and loss challenge us all. I feel for DH.

[Anonymous]

Leave it to OP to make her FILs death all about her. My mom died recently and my dad's grief was immense. OP has no clue about life and is stunted in some important ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Your attitude toward your sil and children is horrible. It's childish and small minded to treat your brother's family this way. They are family. Your expectation that he will be around you without his family is awful. The whole "blood family" is so backwards and ignorant. Grow up.

I don’t treat her and I don’t expect of her. It’s just my wish she would not come with my brother when he visits our father. It all becomes about her and the kids and where they want to travel and what they want to see if she comes. It is good as a whole family reunion but it would be so much easier to just hang out very low key with my father, maybe my brother and me time as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Of course it would be rude. Your brother has a freaking family. He’s not going to ditch them to spend his pto time with people who can’t even stand his family.

Imo it’s normal to spend a few days without his family around, but he’ll never be allowed to do it I think. It’s not that we “can’t stand his family”, it’s just much easier to low key hang out with just my brother and dad for a few days. I would prefer not to include my own kids even, because my dad is too old and boring for them tbh

[Anonymous]

I'm usually a MIL supporter, frequently just because so many posters clearly don't want ILs in their lives.

That said, MIL is, yes, grieving, but she also has psychological issues that she cut off her husband's family, and also cut off her son and OP once they were married. And now, when she needs something, she is trying to take her son back.

Unfortunately, this doesn't get better if DH doesn't set boundaries from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess the reason I’m letting this bother me is because she’s now talking about moving to be closer to us. Net-net, I think this is a good thing. But she’s been callously hurtful to my oldest kid in the past, and I’ve never forgiven her for this. And now there’s a good chance that we’re going to live near each other and see each other a lot. Her request to DH that he stay with her for a couple months while telling us not to visit reminds me that she doesn’t particularly care for my kids (until they become useful to her, as DH is).

OK, OP. All that can be true, and she can still be trying to make decisions, get answers, and get “her way” during *the most painful time of her life, when she is now old, alone and scared.*

I get that this is a lot for you, too. But it’s not like DH is packing 15 huge suitcases and telling you he’ll be gone for two months, right? She can want it, she can ask for it, but as long as DH is doing what’s best for your family? You need to chill.

+1 You're really piling on. Your kids have separate relationships with their grandparents and relatives. I can understand being hurt by one not showing the level of interest, but your micromanaging it (MIL can't live near your DC) is so over the top. Some grandparents like different ages and the kids will figure out who they like and don't like without any help from me (which also means they won't get mad at me for micromanaging their relationships).

Try to have an ounce of empathy. Think about how you'd like to be treated in a similar situation.