MIL asked DH to live with her after FIL’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would your DH work if he lived with his mom? How is she paying her bills? Does she have siblings or other children or friends closer to her?
I’m a widow too- I think her request was selfish. If her husband was sick for a while (mine was) there was a lot of time to prepare for life without him. I do believe everyone grieves differently but you are right to be concerned OP. What she is requesting is not healthy for your marriage and your husbands relationship with his children.

A lot of DH’s work can be done remotely. He has to travel to his HQ every once in a while, so she’s asking he homebase at her place & travel to HQ from there.

FIL was diagnosed late last summer. She did have time to prepare, but I understand her wanting to lean on DH so much. It just bugs me that she’s saying DH please stay, but I don’t want the rest of your family here. When DH visits her next month, she explicitly told us not to come.

[Anonymous]

No way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP. The request is very tone deaf.
The MIL should get up and move if being proximate to her child is important to her.

He should go back and forth, but she needs her own local support network of friends or aides. Doesn’t she have that? Or a set of communities where she lives?

No other adult siblings to help her clear out the household stuff and deal with estate assets, step ups etc.??

[Anonymous]

Does he plan on doing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would your DH work if he lived with his mom? How is she paying her bills? Does she have siblings or other children or friends closer to her?
I’m a widow too- I think her request was selfish. If her husband was sick for a while (mine was) there was a lot of time to prepare for life without him. I do believe everyone grieves differently but you are right to be concerned OP. What she is requesting is not healthy for your marriage and your husbands relationship with his children.

A lot of DH’s work can be done remotely. He has to travel to his HQ every once in a while, so she’s asking he homebase at her place & travel to HQ from there.

FIL was diagnosed late last summer. She did have time to prepare, but I understand her wanting to lean on DH so much. It just bugs me that she’s saying DH please stay, but I don’t want the rest of your family here. When DH visits her next month, she explicitly told us not to come.

Creepy.

[Anonymous]

Old people can be selfish and it’s just to be expected. Many of them lose empathy.
My own dad is dying and my mother is most worried about how she will ever be able to travel again. He did all the booking and made all the plans throughout their lives. She wants me to go on a cruise with her WITHOUT husband and kids. I work and have elementary age children, I cannot leave my family behind using two weeks of precious PTO because my mother doesn’t know how to travel alone! I said we could talk about it when the kids are older and she whined “I’ll be OLD by then!” There’s a reason they used to call it second childhood.

[Anonymous]

It’s not disrespect, it’s selfishness typical of so many old people. Plus judging by what you told about her she was always selfish.

[Anonymous]

I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess the reason I’m letting this bother me is because she’s now talking about moving to be closer to us. Net-net, I think this is a good thing. But she’s been callously hurtful to my oldest kid in the past, and I’ve never forgiven her for this. And now there’s a good chance that we’re going to live near each other and see each other a lot. Her request to DH that he stay with her for a couple months while telling us not to visit reminds me that she doesn’t particularly care for my kids (until they become useful to her, as DH is).

If she moves closer, it will be easier for your DH to visit her (alone) without abandoning his family. I’d be relieved I don’t have to participate in this charade

[Anonymous]

Invite her to move in with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Your dad doesn’t have a “rapport” with his grandchildren? That’s incredibly weird and sad.

[Anonymous]

Well of course she does not want the family to come. She wants your DH to help her with the paperwork and everything related to becoming a widow-- and if you haven't been through a death and estate before, it's a lot of work. Or she wants his help related to downsizing. She probably also wants to talk with him and process the traumatic loss she has been through. Why would you want your kids around for that? I get that you're unhappy she never had much of a relationship with your kids, but even the most doting grandmother would not want any kids around for this type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

All of this. ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

When a person loses a longtime life partner that they actually loved, do you really think they are thinking reasonably at the time? She is barely breathing, holding on. I don't recommend anyone finding this out, so I won't say walk in MIL shoes right now. I know there are a lot of posters on DCUM who are married for convenience and would never fully understand the loss of such a person. Some of you would look at the death as relief, but I am going to give MIL the benefit of the doubt that she is deeply grieving the loss of a husband that she loved, and rationality in the first months is not available. With that said, the husband should consider moving his mom closer to him and the family. Let MIL decline the offer, but it should be extended.

[Anonymous]

Sure you can come live closer to us but we know how much you value being completely independent of us, and how you struggle to tolerate spending any time with me or the kids, so we suggest you make sure your new home is in an area with a lot of social opportunities for you so you aren’t needing to see us more than once every couple weeks. Especially with the kids getting older and not being as flexible as they have been for the past decade.