MIL asked DH to live with her after FIL’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.

He is also grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not disrespect, it’s selfishness typical of so many old people. Plus judging by what you told about her she was always selfish.

Live long enough, and this too may be you. But you have to actually live and not die young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Of course it would be rude. Your brother has a freaking family. He’s not going to ditch them to spend his pto time with people who can’t even stand his family.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have lived the day to day of the final weeks w/ someone w/ advanced cancer, you need to get off your high horse and have compassion. After my mom died of terrible cancer, I couldnt put a rational thought together. I realized I had not actually slept a really night in 2 months. I was truly delirious and then overwhelmed w/ every decision and all sorts of paperwork. There is no way I was thinking logically. Give the woman a break and let her process this and catch up on sleep before you jump on her.

[Anonymous]

How old is MIL? Is she competent enough to handle the estate stuff and does she have an attorney? While FIL was sick, was she paying all the bills? Could she be ready for a retirement home or at least a downsize if they are in a big house? She has every right to ask your DH for whatever, but he needs to relay that he cannot live there for a few months due to all his responsibilities at home (job, kids, wife). Obviously MIL kept FIL’s health a secret (weird), but does she have any friends in her area. Typically, women do so much better socially compared to men when their spouse dies first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

Correct. Barring the less desirable alternative, we will hopefully all grow old, and many of us will make unreasonable requests of our relatives. You don’t know how you will behave, OP, in similar circumstances!!!

And of course your husband says no. Nicely.

[Anonymous]

The answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

I think you're being really dramatic. Presumably your MIL is older and this is the first time in many decades that she has been alone.

Can your husband do his job remotely? Does he have siblings? Does he want to go stay with her for a few months?

I get that having your spouse gone and you have young kids is a lot - do you work, OP? I'm guessing no or you wouldn't expect her to have invited you as well.

You have clearly never liked you MIL, but in my opinion, this is your husband's call to make. He can't be blind to the imposition it puts on your and your kids, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if you don't work, then you are being really selfish and rude.

[Anonymous]

So does the grieving old widow want son to lose job to babysit her? What a crock.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. I would be very annoyed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.

Ugh that is sad. My MIL is very similar- FIL has a terminal diagnosis and she doesn't want to tell anyone, even though she could have a support network in their area, and paid caregiving help, if she would just accept it. Instead she'll ask SIL to drive 3hrs each way to stay with FIL while she goes to get a haircut. It's unsustainable but she's so stubborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

I think you're being really dramatic. Presumably your MIL is older and this is the first time in many decades that she has been alone.

Can your husband do his job remotely? Does he have siblings? Does he want to go stay with her for a few months?

I get that having your spouse gone and you have young kids is a lot - do you work, OP? I'm guessing no or you wouldn't expect her to have invited you as well.

You have clearly never liked you MIL, but in my opinion, this is your husband's call to make. He can't be blind to the imposition it puts on your and your kids, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if you don't work, then you are being really selfish and rude.

Right.
I think OP and DH need to have a talk about what your family can weather and then let her know when/how long/etc. But while he can work from home, will he be able to actually work? That's a legitimate question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, clearly DH living with MIL for weeks or months on end isn’t reasonable, but…

…you jumping alllllll the way to that horrid theory is wild, considering that the clearest explanation for her behavior is: she. Is. Reeling. From. The. Loss. Of. Her. Husband.

She has a valid excuse for irrational thinking and behavior right now. What’s your excuse, OP?

+1

The answer is obviously no, but jeez, show this woman some compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not disrespect, it’s selfishness typical of so many old people. Plus judging by what you told about her she was always selfish.

It's not typical of most old people, but definitely typical of the ones who have always been selfish. My mom, after my dad passed, thought that I should move with my kids, without husband. Nope, she couldn't care less that other people have jobs, school, activities etc. It all became about how she'd manage and the solution always involved me figuring it out for her, until I couldn't, and didn't. That's what's going on with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure you can come live closer to us but we know how much you value being completely independent of us, and how you struggle to tolerate spending any time with me or the kids, so we suggest you make sure your new home is in an area with a lot of social opportunities for you so you aren’t needing to see us more than once every couple weeks. Especially with the kids getting older and not being as flexible as they have been for the past decade.

DS would still need to go to where MIL is currently located to help with everything that goes with closing down FIL's former life and the beginning of MIL's new life.