Reply to 3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend. [/quote]

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.[/quote]

That is true, but L is a social climber. [/quote]

That's OP's perception but she hasn't offered any evidence of that. Is OP's DD or her family low status? Are the kids L is now friends with high status? OP says that L and her DD are not "cool" but that's a totally subjective assessment and we don't know what that means.

For all we know, L and OP's DD grew apart because L is into video games and OP's DD doesn't play them, and now L hangs out with friends who play video games. Is that social climbing? No. It's just normal self selection based on interests. OP might perceive the video game kids as "cool" but that's not an objective fact.

I say this as the parent of a kid who is never "cool" because she never has mainstream interests. Or she'll acquire mainstream interests but like 6 months after all the other kids do. If a child dropped her as a friend because she still listens to K-pop Demonhunters and everyone else moved on from that in 2025, I wouldn't view the other child as being a social climber, I'd view it as the typical and fairly meaningless lemming behavior of young kids. I would not make a big deal about it with my DD and I definitely would not go labeling a kid who did that a "social climber" just because they are worried about what's cool and my DD isn't, really.

But my DD doesn't freak out about that stuff either because she has learned that sometimes other kids don't find her cool and that's okay -- there are other things to be than cool. It's not an important metric. Most of the kids trying to be cool actually aren't cool, either, btw.[/quote]

Yeah I hear that, too. She’s in a small-ish school and — idk — it’s clear who the “popular” girls are I guess? And L has joined their friend group and dd has explained it to me that they didn’t used to care about popularity but now L does. That’s what I’ve got for evidence but I do know I only have one part of the story. Just a mix of what dd has said and what I’ve noticed.

Not making excuses; just providing context. I’m reading all of these comments and doing a lot of reflecting for sure. [/quote]

I don't think it matters one way or the other.  For whatever reason, she and L have drifted apart and L no longer is super interested in your daughter.  Encourage your daughter to reach out to others and not sit around waiting for L, because it appears that ship has sailed.  There doesn't have to be any judgment about L involved.[/quote]

This. It doesn't matter. And maybe they are the "popular" kids but this isn't necessarily happening *because* they are popular. L might have just gotten to know them through some activity or classroom assignment or something and decided she likes them. Or they're whatever kids who are willing to be her friends. Or maybe your DD is doing something that her friend finds unappealing-- I remember how a friend of mine as a kid because she was so super into horses and would even gallop around, and at a certain age I started to find that embarrassing. It's hard to know what's going on. Sometimes "popular" means extroverted and socially skilled. Sometimes it means "powerful". Sometimes it means materialistic or wealthy or beautiful or athletic or manipulative or whatever-- it's very hard to know what kids so young are thinking when they say "popular".

My DD went through this when she drifted apart from her former BFF. The BFF wanted a lot of 1:1 play and was playing in a way my DD was no longer interested in (BFF was really into pretend play about the Warriors books). My DD wanted to not be 1:1 and was over Warriors. So my DD ended up with the other girls who made room for her at their table, and who she had gotten to know because she was in a school a sport with them and her BFF chose not to do that sport. But then, after a year or so, my DD drifted away from the sporty kids and towards the musical theater kids, who are honestly just as dorky as her original BFF.  It's not always a popularity thing. Friendships at this age revolve around common interests and built-in time together. [/quote]

This exactly. And this is why if you talk to child psychologists, they often caution against the idea of "best friends" for kids this age. They are in an experimentation phase. They need room to try on different activities, personalities, social groups, etc. Locking them into a 1:1 friendship can be very confining.[/quote]

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