We may end up estranged from my parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had evolved into a sort of low contact, monthly phone calls, see them once a year for a short time kind of relationship with my parents. But it gets a lot more complicated when they get really old and start to require help. I went from this pleasant no contact, nontriggering relationship to having to go home and sleep in my childhood bedroom as I helped with my mother's broken hip. My parents are/were massively self-centered and critical. For example, they still call me by a mean childhood nickname that my brother made up when we were preschoolers. At one point I said to my mother, "I have literally been asking you not to call me that for over fifty years, half a century. Do you think you could stop now?" And the answer was that no, I don't have a sense of humor.

The eventuality that you need to be prepared for is that these people who don't behave during the best of times will possibly completely lose their filters as they age. They will require substantive engagement, and even the simplest things like hiring a house cleaner will likely evolve into a major issue, as happened in our family.

We were the siblings where the neighbors were calling us and saying "These people have parked their car on their front lawn, their doors are unlocked, the lights are on all night. Why are you terrible people not taking better care of your fragile elderly?" But they are not the kind of people that you can talk to or negotitate with -- our parents. For years, it felt like we were lying on the railroad tracks waiting for this train to run us over and we had almost no control over when the train hit, whether or not we survived. They would not have gone willingly to assisted living, a home, etc.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get some therapy, to try to cooperate with your siblings and to save money for eventualities like having to spend extended periods of time in your home town so you can afford a hotel, etc.

This sounds like dementia

[Anonymous]

I am dumbfounded that anyone would cut off their parents because of how they said something. How is a comment about a repair job or your neighborhood in any way abusive? Are you that fragile & unstable that you cant just shrug off a remark you dont want to hear
Being irritated is normal. But deciding to banish your parents forever because they are talking in a way that doesn't perfectly align with your arbitrary standards is an ugly power & control play
I imagine they are not trying to destroy you. They could be trying to show that they care about your life or want to be helpful, or maybe they are just trying to start a conversation.
Sad that you cant show a little grace for their flaws. They are only human, just like you

[Anonymous]

Having seen via my extended family how damaging estrangement can be, I’m of the opinion that you should only cut off close family members in cases of real abuse (not, they hurt my feelings)/for safety reasons. But this is an unpopular opinion on DCUM.

Almost any relationship has some strife at some point. It’s actually not normal for relationships and life to be stress-free, completely comfortable all the time, etc. So other strategies like setting boundaries, continuing the relationship on your own terms, reducing but not eliminating contact are almost always better than cutting someone out of your life completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

Painfully unpleasant and abusive are two very different things. Abusive how?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the comments and feedback. For those who wonder if I'm being overly sensitive to harmless remarks or just lousy "old people" behavior, it's been years of thousands of cuts, insults, and holding my tongue. I realize now that they acted that way towards other friends and relatives, getting into nasty spats unaware that they're out of bounds.

Now it's morphed into attacks on our parenting, our life choices, religion, school, you name it. Throw in MAGA beliefs and telling my husband and I that we just have to accept that Trump is doing the best he can for the country and "we're here for you if you lose our jobs" but NEVER, EVER, "what is being done to federal workers is unjust, you have honorable work, you deserve to get the pensions you earned just like we got our pensions" (my parents were both public sector state workers who retired with very generous pensions that will keep them in their home for the rest of their lives) and I'm pretty much done. I do not think they have our best interest at heart especially their grandkids' best interest at heart, so why do I owe them much at this point in my life. I even asked my father point blank, do you think my husband and good friends of mine who earned their federal jobs deserve to be treated this way, and he would not answer me.

[Anonymous]

OP again. If anything, it's as if MAGA has provided them a new weapon use against me. This behavior has been going on for years, but now it's jacked up with their political views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If anything, it's as if MAGA has provided them a new weapon use against me. This behavior has been going on for years, but now it's jacked up with their political views.

Set firm boundaries and keep them. Immediately end interactions that cross your boundaries. If they want the relationship. they will learn to honor the boundaries. If they don't, they will cut themselves off. Let go of expectations about changing their views or having them be actively supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

I never regretted NC with my mother and stepfather. The few times they weaseled back in? Regretted that every time. YMMV

This. The peace is wonderful.

+1

Be good to your children people or you may find yourself unsuccessfully begging them to visit you from your deathbed. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

I moved my whole life to be closer to my parents. They even recruited my ex husband to work part time for them. He did not need the work; he had skills and it was a favor to them. They got worse and worse. Anything I didn’t like they said it was due to my politics. No they were just awful. I always tried to avoid talking politics to them. My mom can make any event all about HER - a wedding, a funeral. My dad makes people cry wherever he goes. Not just me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dumbfounded that anyone would cut off their parents because of how they said something. How is a comment about a repair job or your neighborhood in any way abusive? Are you that fragile & unstable that you cant just shrug off a remark you dont want to hear
Being irritated is normal. But deciding to banish your parents forever because they are talking in a way that doesn't perfectly align with your arbitrary standards is an ugly power & control play
I imagine they are not trying to destroy you. They could be trying to show that they care about your life or want to be helpful, or maybe they are just trying to start a conversation.
Sad that you cant show a little grace for their flaws. They are only human, just like you

If someone critiques you for 50 years, you think this should go on? Some of these old folks have no self-awareness. You're not special. If you have nothing to contribute except an acid tongue, at some point you'll be cut off. Who wants to listen to this drivel day in and day out? At the end of the day, if you don't bring anything positive with you, people will be relieved not having to deal with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

I never regretted NC with my mother and stepfather. The few times they weaseled back in? Regretted that every time. YMMV

This. The peace is wonderful.

This is helpful to me. My recently deceased father hated me with every fiber of his being - constantly referred to me as a fat dumb and lazy loser despite being very successful in a number of endeavors, from top level athletics to academics to career and so on. I did it on my own with no assistance from him or anyone else since age 18. The intense hatred and disgust burned bright throughout his life and it was an immutable condition.

Today is his birthday. Despite his choosing not to have anything to do with me, I always called him on his birthday. I thought it the decent thing to do (I feel foolish now). Most of the time I just reached his voicemail but on the rare occasion he picked up the phone he ripped into me did not delivering my twin brother to him, whom he greatly favored. Of course, my twin brother refused to have anything to do with him, and while wildly successful, was angry and vengeful.

I needed to hear that peace is wonderful. With his death I processed very quickly that my closure was in accepting there was going to be no closure in terms of reconciling why I was hated so much. In an odd way it has all been such a blessing. I had absolute freedom since my late teens and was a few molecules smart enough not to abuse it.

My twin recently passed away too - not an easy loss to digest.

By the way mother was incredibly nice to everyone, She was a lifelong addict though.and I could never really help her. She is at peace now too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to talk about? And why so often?

You call once a week, and when the conversation gets ugly, you hang-up. You have to go. What's so hard about that?

You meet monthly (if they live close) or several times a year (if further away) for a meal out. You excuse yourself and have to leave if the conversation gets ugly.

Once a WEEK?! That is way too often to be talking to folks like this. Once a month, maybe.

[Anonymous]

You do certain things because you choose to be the kind of person who keeps their parents in their life. You do the mature thing by enforcing boundaries. A once a week call to check-in, and the call lasts only as long as it's polite, is reasonable.

If they are not mentally stable/capable, you seek guardianship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to talk about? And why so often?

You call once a week, and when the conversation gets ugly, you hang-up. You have to go. What's so hard about that?

You meet monthly (if they live close) or several times a year (if further away) for a meal out. You excuse yourself and have to leave if the conversation gets ugly.

This. I don’t understand how your parents’ silly criticisms about your furniture or neighborhood bother you so much.

I personally would do what the PP above suggests. Scale back and keep it simple. Going “no contact” is a social media trend that is incredibly cruel. And all because they poo-pooed your stuff? There is an entire generation of older women who do this; I would not take is personally in the least. My MIL does it. Who cares! They’re old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If anything, it's as if MAGA has provided them a new weapon use against me. This behavior has been going on for years, but now it's jacked up with their political views.

Oh please. My maga MIL says nonsense too. Ignore! Who cares. They can prattle on all day, we gossip about it as soon as she leaves, but we would never abandon or our parents or become estranged from them! What a ridiculous thing to go do.