We may end up estranged from my parents

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

Lots of people post some version of OP's story. Heck, I have posted something along the same lines in the past.

OP- if other relatives are estranged from your parents, it most certainly is NOT you. Don't listen to these "every story has 2 sides" people. That's not always the case.

How is it possible that anyone believes that there is ever only one side of a story? Of course everyone has their own version. How can you be so self involved as to believe otherwise?

What can be true is that the level of difference a person has is too much for the other to deal with. Fine, then move on. But you people who act like you are blameless or perfect or superior to the other is myopic. You're just different or incompatible.

If multiple family members (both blood and married in, especially) are estranged from someone, then fine, there can be 2 sides to the story. But 1 side is wrong. And it's not self involved to admit that. It's smart.

So if both sides claimed to be wronged, how do you sort out which it is? I'm dealing with two family parties in an estrangment who vehemently say it's the other side. I feel pulled in both directions. There is no physical abuse allegations, FWIW, just emotional manipulation and verbal slights. They both seem like they've played a part, TBH, but of course one of them must be more wrong. How do I figure it out- please help. SHould I hire a family thereapist to be a mediator?

Easy. Don’t pick a side and let them deal with it.

But also be prepared that one of them will cut you off too with this approach. But then you have your answer. My two best friends from college were increasingly in conflict and eventually stopped talking. I didn't want to pick a side and tried to remain friends with both of them. One of my friends accepted that, the other didn't and dumped me for not taking her side. I'm still close to the former, haven't talked to the latter in 20 years.

Not in my experience. We knew the other person wasn't go go pick sides and nobody cut her off.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a horror show, treated me poorly and suffered from mental illness. Still, I did my best to be a good son, although I limited my time with her. For example, when I visited her (she lived 1500 miles away) I stayed in a hotel even though she had room for me. She died a few years ago. I’m glad that I put in the effort to maintain the best relationship I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

Lots of people post some version of OP's story. Heck, I have posted something along the same lines in the past.

OP- if other relatives are estranged from your parents, it most certainly is NOT you. Don't listen to these "every story has 2 sides" people. That's not always the case.

How is it possible that anyone believes that there is ever only one side of a story? Of course everyone has their own version. How can you be so self involved as to believe otherwise?

What can be true is that the level of difference a person has is too much for the other to deal with. Fine, then move on. But you people who act like you are blameless or perfect or superior to the other is myopic. You're just different or incompatible.

If multiple family members (both blood and married in, especially) are estranged from someone, then fine, there can be 2 sides to the story. But 1 side is wrong. And it's not self involved to admit that. It's smart.

So if both sides claimed to be wronged, how do you sort out which it is? I'm dealing with two family parties in an estrangment who vehemently say it's the other side. I feel pulled in both directions. There is no physical abuse allegations, FWIW, just emotional manipulation and verbal slights. They both seem like they've played a part, TBH, but of course one of them must be more wrong. How do I figure it out- please help. SHould I hire a family thereapist to be a mediator?

Easy. Don’t pick a side and let them deal with it.

But also be prepared that one of them will cut you off too with this approach. But then you have your answer. My two best friends from college were increasingly in conflict and eventually stopped talking. I didn't want to pick a side and tried to remain friends with both of them. One of my friends accepted that, the other didn't and dumped me for not taking her side. I'm still close to the former, haven't talked to the latter in 20 years.

Not in my experience. We knew the other person wasn't go go pick sides and nobody cut her off.

So crazy that people can have different experiences. Mind blowing.

[Anonymous]

Help out your sibling with logistics and finances for their care while maintaining low contact with parents themselves. If issue is them judging your home or neighbors, don't invite, only visit them or meet at a third place like park or restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Doge ussue is over so one less contention.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you had parents who were so mean and cruel. I had parents like that, too. It’s a deep loneliness that many people cannot relate to. Typing it out and explaining don’t really convey the hurt. People who come from supportive families literally cannot understand how it feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you had parents who were so mean and cruel. I had parents like that, too. It’s a deep loneliness that many people cannot relate to. Typing it out and explaining don’t really convey the hurt. People who come from supportive families literally cannot understand how it feels.

Not everyone who disagrees or sees things differently came from a supportive family. It’s dismissive and thoughtless to assume that people who make different decisions or have a different take cannot understand. Survivors make different choices. Your way is not the only way.

[Anonymous]

My mom is constantly complaining but I just can’t cut her off. Catholic guilt I suppose plus she loves my kids. But she makes me so tense and miserable.
At a family get together she complained about the food being too fancy, the chairs not comfy enough, the music too boring (she ONLY wants 60s rock and will even request restaurants to “put on the oldies that everyone wants to hear”). She doesn’t like anything that I do. I feel like a total failure every time I try to do something nice for her.
I asked her to consider, if you wouldn’t say it to your sister, you shouldn’t say it to your daughter. You can think it but don’t say it. And she said no, I will not censor myself to my own daughter.

[Anonymous]

However you treat your parents may be a lesson to your kids in how they’ll treat you. I suggest going the extra mile if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

Lots of people post some version of OP's story. Heck, I have posted something along the same lines in the past.

OP- if other relatives are estranged from your parents, it most certainly is NOT you. Don't listen to these "every story has 2 sides" people. That's not always the case.

How is it possible that anyone believes that there is ever only one side of a story? Of course everyone has their own version. How can you be so self involved as to believe otherwise?

What can be true is that the level of difference a person has is too much for the other to deal with. Fine, then move on. But you people who act like you are blameless or perfect or superior to the other is myopic. You're just different or incompatible.

If multiple family members (both blood and married in, especially) are estranged from someone, then fine, there can be 2 sides to the story. But 1 side is wrong. And it's not self involved to admit that. It's smart.

So if both sides claimed to be wronged, how do you sort out which it is? I'm dealing with two family parties in an estrangment who vehemently say it's the other side. I feel pulled in both directions. There is no physical abuse allegations, FWIW, just emotional manipulation and verbal slights. They both seem like they've played a part, TBH, but of course one of them must be more wrong. How do I figure it out- please help. SHould I hire a family thereapist to be a mediator?

Easy. Don’t pick a side and let them deal with it.

But also be prepared that one of them will cut you off too with this approach. But then you have your answer. My two best friends from college were increasingly in conflict and eventually stopped talking. I didn't want to pick a side and tried to remain friends with both of them. One of my friends accepted that, the other didn't and dumped me for not taking her side. I'm still close to the former, haven't talked to the latter in 20 years.

Not in my experience. We knew the other person wasn't go go pick sides and nobody cut her off.

So crazy that people can have different experiences. Mind blowing.

Which is why we don't need reminders to "be prepared" because we all know anything can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you had parents who were so mean and cruel. I had parents like that, too. It’s a deep loneliness that many people cannot relate to. Typing it out and explaining don’t really convey the hurt. People who come from supportive families literally cannot understand how it feels.

Not OP, but I so relate to these words. If you decide to start a new thread about this, I will post and read along. It really is so profoundly painful to know I have someone always cheering for my downfall. I cannot share any success because it will make her livid. I am fortunate my husband gets it because his mother was the same way. I find that some people from supportive families need to find a way to blame us.

[Anonymous]

Good riddance. They sound like terrible people.

[Anonymous]

Not OP here. I keep reading comments like "This is just criticism, not abuse" and "Maybe they're offering feedback because they love you." There's a huge difference between constructive, helpful criticism and venom / mockery. If you could hear the hostility in my mother's voice when she attacks, you'd dread being around her as much as I do. If you've never had a parent wash dishes at you or fold clothes at you angrily, well, this sentence won't make sense to you at all and I envy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP here. I keep reading comments like "This is just criticism, not abuse" and "Maybe they're offering feedback because they love you." There's a huge difference between constructive, helpful criticism and venom / mockery. If you could hear the hostility in my mother's voice when she attacks, you'd dread being around her as much as I do. If you've never had a parent wash dishes at you or fold clothes at you angrily, well, this sentence won't make sense to you at all and I envy you.

I think some of it is that we've normalized this type of behavior from the boomer and silent generations. My mom used to yell at us and lose her temper ver really minor stuff all the time- it wasn't until I was an adult that I really reflected on how no, this isn't how you should treat your kids. But I went away for college and never moved back to our hometown, so being able to keep her behavior at arms length means that it doesn't affect me as much compared to my sibling who still lives there. But I also have some empathy for my mom because it's not like people are just born this way, it's typically learned behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However you treat your parents may be a lesson to your kids in how they’ll treat you. I suggest going the extra mile if you can.

I don’t suggest doing extra anything. Nor total estrangement.

Do minimal things: be kind, lead from example, send cards, keep normal traditions, WHILE keeping your life on track and paying it forward (raising your kids right, staying social, career & community oriented).

That way if the prodigal son returns, you can then meet them where they are. Meanwhile your Be Kind / No Regrets boundaries served you well from their games and kept you grounded.