We may end up estranged from my parents

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04/09/2026 10:46

Subject: We may end up estranged from my parents

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had evolved into a sort of low contact, monthly phone calls, see them once a year for a short time kind of relationship with my parents. But it gets a lot more complicated when they get really old and start to require help. I went from this pleasant no contact, nontriggering relationship to having to go home and sleep in my childhood bedroom as I helped with my mother's broken hip. My parents are/were massively self-centered and critical. For example, they still call me by a mean childhood nickname that my brother made up when we were preschoolers. At one point I said to my mother, "I have literally been asking you not to call me that for over fifty years, half a century. Do you think you could stop now?" And the answer was that no, I don't have a sense of humor.

The eventuality that you need to be prepared for is that these people who don't behave during the best of times will possibly completely lose their filters as they age. They will require substantive engagement, and even the simplest things like hiring a house cleaner will likely evolve into a major issue, as happened in our family.

We were the siblings where the neighbors were calling us and saying "These people have parked their car on their front lawn, their doors are unlocked, the lights are on all night. Why are you terrible people not taking better care of your fragile elderly?" But they are not the kind of people that you can talk to or negotitate with -- our parents. For years, it felt like we were lying on the railroad tracks waiting for this train to run us over and we had almost no control over when the train hit, whether or not we survived. They would not have gone willingly to assisted living, a home, etc.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get some therapy, to try to cooperate with your siblings and to save money for eventualities like having to spend extended periods of time in your home town so you can afford a hotel, etc.

I have an example like this too. They call me by a name I don't prefer and won't stop despite repeatedly asking them to stop. The older I get the more I find this type of thing so beyond baffling. It's got to be mental illness.

+1 It’s shocking to see that I’m not the only one who gets called by a nickname they don’t like even after I have asked my family not to use it for the last 30 years. I’m also “too sensitive”. I have a mom who makes up ridiculous ideas about me and my DH and then believes them no matter what. I didn’t speak to her for four months after some terrible things she said last year but now am much lower contact than I used to be. I’m also in therapy and learning to not react to her and am much less stressed.

To the PP saying there are two sides to every story - either you have no experience in this type of situation or you are the one causing it in your own family. It very much is one sided sometimes.

We all know dysfunctional, abusive families exist and the dysfunctional group never admits the big abusive stuff. We all know the scapegoat dynamic in dysfunctional families. My family would tell you I distanced myself from them because of the nickname a sibling called me or other petty things. The reality was the issues were far more serious. From the outside, people would never have a clue two of my older siblings who had impressive jobs were physically violent with me several times for no reason in front of other family members. At best I was treated as an employee, not as a family member. My inlaws are similar. People have no clue about the things they did to their children and my spouse and I agreed they would never be alone with our children. People describe my inlaws as the cutest, sweetest couple and they have no clue.