We may end up estranged from my parents

[Anonymous]

They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

I never regretted NC with my mother and stepfather. The few times they weaseled back in? Regretted that every time. YMMV

[Anonymous]

My DH is currently ultra super low contact with his mom (only living parent). They haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, and haven’t spoken since September. They had a major falling out last year. NPD.

I can’t even begin to tell you the peace that has enveloped our lives. Holiday, weekends, etc. So much peace. I never realized how much we were all pretending until we stopped.

[Anonymous]

Have you attempted to set boundaries like “Don’t comment on our home/neighbors” May be worth a try, but... probably not.

My parents can be miserable to be around for other reasons - mostly bickering and miserable to each other and then just plain careless/inconsiderate with respect to being in a home. But they do try to respect boundaries that I set, and it minimizes the obnoxious behavior.

[Anonymous]

My mother was psychologically and verbally abusive in my childhood, to both my father and me. I tried to have a heart-to-heart with her in my 20s, got criticized for being too sensitive and for not being able to take a joke. I cut her off for 6 months in my 30s, when she started on my daughter. I renewed contact because I missed my father, who came as a packaged deal with my mother.

However ever since that time of no-contact, she's been a lot more circumspect. Deep down, she loves me and did not imagine I would simply cut ties. The only thing keeping her in line is that fear. I am now helping them a little in their old age.

You are free to not help them out, OP, but it won't be very fair on the other sibling. I'm an only child, so my decisions don't impact any sibling. I think it would fair to tell your parents that you're done with their abusive behavior and you won't be seeing them or contacting them any time soon, and to warn your sibling that you've had it with them and do not want to be on the front lines of eldercare. But when the time actually comes, and your sibling is suffering while trying to support their needs... I hope you can support your sibling.

[Anonymous]

This is/was my mom. I set some boundaries which made it fairly tolerable. When I was 38, she suddenly got a lot worse. I told her straight up if things didn't change, she wouldn't be invited over anymore. And then stuck to it when things didn't change. I think that was finally her wake up call. She had been controlling and not always very nice my whole life. She finally got some therapy and worked on why she had control issues and got on some meds. It's been about 5 years. We've mostly mended our relationship. This past Christmas, she didn't even make any of her usual comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

I never regretted NC with my mother and stepfather. The few times they weaseled back in? Regretted that every time. YMMV

This. The peace is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. They never went for therapy and most certainly don’t go now. They’ve told themselves all the tears it’s everyone else, not them— they are estranged from their relatives in their own families.

They just don’t get it, that they could be the problem in the room. They will not curb their behavior or keep their mouths shut as they believe they are really helping you in some way by calling out all the problems that you supposedly don’t see and that they’re just so intuitive and details and well, you should be grateful for their input. They think they’re doing you a favor by telling you that your neighborhood isn’t that great or your handyman did a bad job fixing the sink or they find some piece of news on Yahoo about your school district.

So yeah, if I do end up capitulating and helping them, I will just say I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for my sibling.

[Anonymous]

I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Either, you ask your sibling which anti-anxiety meds they are on and try them out yourself, or tell the sibling to let you know if they need help with researching assisted living or nurses who come to the house, and what 50% of the cost is and you'll send a check.

Protect your mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in their mid-70s, DH and I are in our early 50s, and we've had enough of them. Since the day we got married my parents have been painfully unpleasant to be around. They've been abusive during visits, commenting on our apartments and homes over the years (your dad is an expert and fixing XYZ, look at the horrible craftsmanship, how did you hire someone like this, where are they from!!), badmouthing our neighborhoods (tsk tsk you should have brought a house in our neighborhood, it's the best community in the USA), starting fights over the holidays, miserable phone calls that always culminate in stress and fights and being hung up on, chastising us over not being religious enough, and then pretty much gleeful when DOGE threatened our jobs (lazy feds deserve to be punished for all that fraud, ha!!).

So, we're done. I have one sibling who is very close to them and tolerates a lot of their crap (I think it's the anti-anxiety meds that make it so easy to listen to them without wanting to throw them out of her house), therefore she may be the one handling their healthcare needs when the time comes. I want to be a better person but they sure have earned it from me. Is there any hope? I have to say that the lack of communication with them has brought such peace into my life.

My mom is this way. Maybe it's several people on here PP who have the same type of parents. I've been thinking of taking anti-anxiety meds to deal with it better. I don't have her come over much anymore and we rarely see or talk to each other except at a restaurant. The last time I went to her house she asked me not to touch anything like I was five, so I don't go over there either. It just gets worse as they age. Politics isn't doing older people any favors either. People think they can just bad mouth others based on what they see on the news each day. I mean just say thanks and feel sorry for them like you would that parent at school who is always complaining about something. You don't care about their opinion, right? So, try not to have it mean much to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

[Anonymous]

What is there to talk about? And why so often?

You call once a week, and when the conversation gets ugly, you hang-up. You have to go. What's so hard about that?

You meet monthly (if they live close) or several times a year (if further away) for a meal out. You excuse yourself and have to leave if the conversation gets ugly.