We may end up estranged from my parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. They never went for therapy and most certainly don’t go now. They’ve told themselves all the tears it’s everyone else, not them— they are estranged from their relatives in their own families.

They just don’t get it, that they could be the problem in the room. They will not curb their behavior or keep their mouths shut as they believe they are really helping you in some way by calling out all the problems that you supposedly don’t see and that they’re just so intuitive and details and well, you should be grateful for their input. They think they’re doing you a favor by telling you that your neighborhood isn’t that great or your handyman did a bad job fixing the sink or they find some piece of news on Yahoo about your school district.

So yeah, if I do end up capitulating and helping them, I will just say I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for my sibling.

Way to dump your parents on your sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

[Anonymous]

You sound extremely immature for someone in their 50s. Don’t you have your own life? Why do you parents feature prominently in your life? You should be up to your eyeballs with you own stuff.

[Anonymous]

Be done.
You and your spouse don’t have to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

Lots of people post some version of OP's story. Heck, I have posted something along the same lines in the past.

OP- if other relatives are estranged from your parents, it most certainly is NOT you. Don't listen to these "every story has 2 sides" people. That's not always the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

Lots of people post some version of OP's story. Heck, I have posted something along the same lines in the past.

OP- if other relatives are estranged from your parents, it most certainly is NOT you. Don't listen to these "every story has 2 sides" people. That's not always the case.

How is it possible that anyone believes that there is ever only one side of a story? Of course everyone has their own version. How can you be so self involved as to believe otherwise?

What can be true is that the level of difference a person has is too much for the other to deal with. Fine, then move on. But you people who act like you are blameless or perfect or superior to the other is myopic. You're just different or incompatible.

[Anonymous]

We had evolved into a sort of low contact, monthly phone calls, see them once a year for a short time kind of relationship with my parents. But it gets a lot more complicated when they get really old and start to require help. I went from this pleasant no contact, nontriggering relationship to having to go home and sleep in my childhood bedroom as I helped with my mother's broken hip. My parents are/were massively self-centered and critical. For example, they still call me by a mean childhood nickname that my brother made up when we were preschoolers. At one point I said to my mother, "I have literally been asking you not to call me that for over fifty years, half a century. Do you think you could stop now?" And the answer was that no, I don't have a sense of humor.

The eventuality that you need to be prepared for is that these people who don't behave during the best of times will possibly completely lose their filters as they age. They will require substantive engagement, and even the simplest things like hiring a house cleaner will likely evolve into a major issue, as happened in our family.

We were the siblings where the neighbors were calling us and saying "These people have parked their car on their front lawn, their doors are unlocked, the lights are on all night. Why are you terrible people not taking better care of your fragile elderly?" But they are not the kind of people that you can talk to or negotitate with -- our parents. For years, it felt like we were lying on the railroad tracks waiting for this train to run us over and we had almost no control over when the train hit, whether or not we survived. They would not have gone willingly to assisted living, a home, etc.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get some therapy, to try to cooperate with your siblings and to save money for eventualities like having to spend extended periods of time in your home town so you can afford a hotel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had evolved into a sort of low contact, monthly phone calls, see them once a year for a short time kind of relationship with my parents. But it gets a lot more complicated when they get really old and start to require help. I went from this pleasant no contact, nontriggering relationship to having to go home and sleep in my childhood bedroom as I helped with my mother's broken hip. My parents are/were massively self-centered and critical. For example, they still call me by a mean childhood nickname that my brother made up when we were preschoolers. At one point I said to my mother, "I have literally been asking you not to call me that for over fifty years, half a century. Do you think you could stop now?" And the answer was that no, I don't have a sense of humor.

The eventuality that you need to be prepared for is that these people who don't behave during the best of times will possibly completely lose their filters as they age. They will require substantive engagement, and even the simplest things like hiring a house cleaner will likely evolve into a major issue, as happened in our family.

We were the siblings where the neighbors were calling us and saying "These people have parked their car on their front lawn, their doors are unlocked, the lights are on all night. Why are you terrible people not taking better care of your fragile elderly?" But they are not the kind of people that you can talk to or negotitate with -- our parents. For years, it felt like we were lying on the railroad tracks waiting for this train to run us over and we had almost no control over when the train hit, whether or not we survived. They would not have gone willingly to assisted living, a home, etc.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get some therapy, to try to cooperate with your siblings and to save money for eventualities like having to spend extended periods of time in your home town so you can afford a hotel, etc.

This is my story with my parents. Went low contact for about 20 years. One visit in person per year and a phone call every couple weeks. Barely thought about them. Then they got old and needed help and they were more awful than ever. On some level it was validating to back in their orbit and be reassured...no you did not make any of this up in your mind or exaggerate. They are indeed awful.

If you have siblings, do it as a team and HELL NO DO NOT STAY IN THE CHILDHOOD HOME. Find a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had evolved into a sort of low contact, monthly phone calls, see them once a year for a short time kind of relationship with my parents. But it gets a lot more complicated when they get really old and start to require help. I went from this pleasant no contact, nontriggering relationship to having to go home and sleep in my childhood bedroom as I helped with my mother's broken hip. My parents are/were massively self-centered and critical. For example, they still call me by a mean childhood nickname that my brother made up when we were preschoolers. At one point I said to my mother, "I have literally been asking you not to call me that for over fifty years, half a century. Do you think you could stop now?" And the answer was that no, I don't have a sense of humor.

The eventuality that you need to be prepared for is that these people who don't behave during the best of times will possibly completely lose their filters as they age. They will require substantive engagement, and even the simplest things like hiring a house cleaner will likely evolve into a major issue, as happened in our family.

We were the siblings where the neighbors were calling us and saying "These people have parked their car on their front lawn, their doors are unlocked, the lights are on all night. Why are you terrible people not taking better care of your fragile elderly?" But they are not the kind of people that you can talk to or negotitate with -- our parents. For years, it felt like we were lying on the railroad tracks waiting for this train to run us over and we had almost no control over when the train hit, whether or not we survived. They would not have gone willingly to assisted living, a home, etc.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get some therapy, to try to cooperate with your siblings and to save money for eventualities like having to spend extended periods of time in your home town so you can afford a hotel, etc.

I have an example like this too. They call me by a name I don't prefer and won't stop despite repeatedly asking them to stop. The older I get the more I find this type of thing so beyond baffling. It's got to be mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had evolved into a sort of low contact, monthly phone calls, see them once a year for a short time kind of relationship with my parents. But it gets a lot more complicated when they get really old and start to require help. I went from this pleasant no contact, nontriggering relationship to having to go home and sleep in my childhood bedroom as I helped with my mother's broken hip. My parents are/were massively self-centered and critical. For example, they still call me by a mean childhood nickname that my brother made up when we were preschoolers. At one point I said to my mother, "I have literally been asking you not to call me that for over fifty years, half a century. Do you think you could stop now?" And the answer was that no, I don't have a sense of humor.

The eventuality that you need to be prepared for is that these people who don't behave during the best of times will possibly completely lose their filters as they age. They will require substantive engagement, and even the simplest things like hiring a house cleaner will likely evolve into a major issue, as happened in our family.

We were the siblings where the neighbors were calling us and saying "These people have parked their car on their front lawn, their doors are unlocked, the lights are on all night. Why are you terrible people not taking better care of your fragile elderly?" But they are not the kind of people that you can talk to or negotitate with -- our parents. For years, it felt like we were lying on the railroad tracks waiting for this train to run us over and we had almost no control over when the train hit, whether or not we survived. They would not have gone willingly to assisted living, a home, etc.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get some therapy, to try to cooperate with your siblings and to save money for eventualities like having to spend extended periods of time in your home town so you can afford a hotel, etc.

I have an example like this too. They call me by a name I don't prefer and won't stop despite repeatedly asking them to stop. The older I get the more I find this type of thing so beyond baffling. It's got to be mental illness.

+1 It’s shocking to see that I’m not the only one who gets called by a nickname they don’t like even after I have asked my family not to use it for the last 30 years. I’m also “too sensitive”. I have a mom who makes up ridiculous ideas about me and my DH and then believes them no matter what. I didn’t speak to her for four months after some terrible things she said last year but now am much lower contact than I used to be. I’m also in therapy and learning to not react to her and am much less stressed.

To the PP saying there are two sides to every story - either you have no experience in this type of situation or you are the one causing it in your own family. It very much is one sided sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

It actually is often a one-sided issue. As you can see it's only one side that has an issue. In this world there are definitely perpetrators that do things just because they want to not caring about the consequences.

My point is that we are only getting OP's side of the story. There are always two sides of every story involving human beings. Each one sees it through their own lens and their own experiences. But whatever about that. I'm just saying that people who talk/complain/post repeatedly about an issue and do nothing to solve it are simply ruminating. At least the people who say I just need to vent are self aware enough to know that they just want to get it off their chests, relieve the pressure of a situation that is either unsolveable or they don't want the consequences of what the/a solution entails.

I just think people like the OP should become more self aware, and by doing so, maybe they'd be able to handle their issues better.

Lots of people post some version of OP's story. Heck, I have posted something along the same lines in the past.

OP- if other relatives are estranged from your parents, it most certainly is NOT you. Don't listen to these "every story has 2 sides" people. That's not always the case.

How is it possible that anyone believes that there is ever only one side of a story? Of course everyone has their own version. How can you be so self involved as to believe otherwise?

What can be true is that the level of difference a person has is too much for the other to deal with. Fine, then move on. But you people who act like you are blameless or perfect or superior to the other is myopic. You're just different or incompatible.

+1. Some of these posters are incredibly self-centered and it shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. They never went for therapy and most certainly don’t go now. They’ve told themselves all the tears it’s everyone else, not them— they are estranged from their relatives in their own families.

They just don’t get it, that they could be the problem in the room. They will not curb their behavior or keep their mouths shut as they believe they are really helping you in some way by calling out all the problems that you supposedly don’t see and that they’re just so intuitive and details and well, you should be grateful for their input. They think they’re doing you a favor by telling you that your neighborhood isn’t that great or your handyman did a bad job fixing the sink or they find some piece of news on Yahoo about your school district.

So yeah, if I do end up capitulating and helping them, I will just say I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for my sibling.

My MIL is like this, she's esttranged from so many members of her family and those that she isn't actually estranged from she complains about. To hear her talk, someone is always doing her wrong. She can be pretty critical of us, to our faces it's more passive aggressive but who knows behind our backs. The difference is they live far away and don't like to travel so we simply don't see them much. I think it's harder on DH's sister who lives closer and sees them more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

You are nuts. Totally nuts. It's not the same people posting about problems with family. Just because you haven't experienced such problems doesn't mean they don't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recognize you, OP. Do you ever get tired of beating the same bush. Either cut them off or stop talking about it. I'm guessing you are as obnoxious to them as they are to you. I know you try my nerves and I just have to see your posts about this on occasion.

Not OP but why do you read posts that try your nerves? Do you ever get tired of doing this to yourself? You are obnoxious.

Basically, I wonder why people have to post repeatedly about the same thing. It's as if they have a massive victim mentality and get attention with their "problems" here. If they really wanted to solve their issues they would get help. It is rarely a one-side issue. But OP and people like her are getting attention by posting repeatedly on the same issue. And that's what they want. Attention. A version of Münchausen syndrome.

Doesn't it actually help if they get a reality check that maybe they are part of the problem?

You are nuts. Totally nuts. It's not the same people posting about problems with family. Just because you haven't experienced such problems doesn't mean they don't exist.

Many times there are identifying items that show the difference between posters. Whatever the case, you have no idea what my relationship is with my family. Moreover, OP can cut her family off or not. So can you. That isn't the issue. It's simply a matter of stating that so many people, shown so clearly here on DCUM, think their perspective is the only one. There are always more than one POV. That doesn't mean that the OP or anyone like her needs to do anything differently. Just that to so adamantly state that their assessment is definitive is incorrect. That's all I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is currently ultra super low contact with his mom (only living parent). They haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, and haven’t spoken since September. They had a major falling out last year. NPD.

I can’t even begin to tell you the peace that has enveloped our lives. Holiday, weekends, etc. So much peace. I never realized how much we were all pretending until we stopped.

Sorry your DH has NPD. That must be rough.