DH job misery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so awful about SAHMs. I make half the income in my household and I would never just announce that I'm taking a 50% salary cut with no plan for how to compensate.

Part of the job for the SAHM is to figure out how to live on what her spouse brings in.

If you think someone earning half the family's income bears less responsibility to not make unilateral earnings decisions than someone earning 93% of the income, you really just don't like SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you should live off that reduced amount now before making the decision so he can see the impact on his and the family lifestyle. No lunch, no movie, and he starts pitching in more at home so you can find higher paying work. Frankly, I would be preparing for a divorce since he sounds very selfish and immature.

The problem is that he thinks a job has presented itself and wants to jump on it asap.

No, he does not get to do that when he is a father and has bills to cover!

If you cannot cover your bills on $230k of income, then you need to reduce the bills.

Which would mean moving! I am not a magician, I can’t just undo our life.

Yet people do it everyday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most SAHMs I know have a backup plan for if their husband loses his job/gets hit by a bus/divorce/disability/whatever. It's pretty irresponsible to decide not to work under the assumption that everything will magically stay perfect.

You could say that about both parties. What is the backup plan if OP dies or becomes disabled? Will her DH step up to the plate and take over her responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you should live off that reduced amount now before making the decision so he can see the impact on his and the family lifestyle. No lunch, no movie, and he starts pitching in more at home so you can find higher paying work. Frankly, I would be preparing for a divorce since he sounds very selfish and immature.

The problem is that he thinks a job has presented itself and wants to jump on it asap.

No, he does not get to do that when he is a father and has bills to cover!

If you cannot cover your bills on $230k of income, then you need to reduce the bills.

Which would mean moving! I am not a magician, I can’t just undo our life.

Yet people do it everyday

Sometimes you have to downsize your life to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most SAHMs I know have a backup plan for if their husband loses his job/gets hit by a bus/divorce/disability/whatever. It's pretty irresponsible to decide not to work under the assumption that everything will magically stay perfect.

Lifr and disability insurance plus half marital assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has been very immature the last few years, telling me that he will be nicer when he is happier in his job, as though that is excuse to treat me like garbage

Hon, get your ducks in order to dump this guy.

+1
ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most SAHMs I know have a backup plan for if their husband loses his job/gets hit by a bus/divorce/disability/whatever. It's pretty irresponsible to decide not to work under the assumption that everything will magically stay perfect.

You could say that about both parties. What is the backup plan if OP dies or becomes disabled? Will her DH step up to the plate and take over her responsibilities?

When he makes a post we can ask him.

[Anonymous]

Call the realtor, cancel spring break, pull the kids out of summer camp and no more eating out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More like 400-200 and I do have income already yes, but only like 30k.

You need to find a higher paying job if you want to compensate for his taking a lower-paying one. $200K isn't chump change.

But if it's not enough to sustain their current lifestyle, and he's used to buying his way out of all child care and domestic work, he's going to have to give up at least one of those things.

They will move to a cheaper house and nothing changes because he still makes almost 10x what she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most SAHMs I know have a backup plan for if their husband loses his job/gets hit by a bus/divorce/disability/whatever. It's pretty irresponsible to decide not to work under the assumption that everything will magically stay perfect.

You could say that about both parties. What is the backup plan if OP dies or becomes disabled? Will her DH step up to the plate and take over her responsibilities?

Hire a nanny to cook and pickup kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that.
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job.

OP, your OP post was my life 20 years ago - "DH is so miserable in his job that he is making us all miserable. This has been going on for for years. It has made him a bit bipolar honestly - drinking, anger, mood swings etc. " - right down to the bipolar comment. My DH was diagnosed with bipolar 6 months after I ended our relationship and asked him to move out of our home when our kids were 18 months and 5 years old, and I was in the middle of grad school.

While you cannot make your DH see a psychiatrist, take medication or go to therapy, you do have choices about how YOU react to his failure to do those things. His unwillingness to do these things guarantees that life is going to get worse for you and the kids. Looking back, although it was a very hard thing to do, I 100% did the right thing. His behavior, although perhaps driven by the dysphoric hypomania and depressive lows of bipolar, was also emotionally abusive to me and not at all a good example for the kids. Leaving him meant that I was able to raise my kids in a healthy home for at least 50% of the time. That healthy space gave me time to teach my kids about mental health, alcohol and drugs in ways that meant when they were confronted with these issues they were able to seek help and avoid the addiction, which had a long and strong presence in family history.

You may feel that your DH has broken his promise, and he may well have, but you cannot change that. Please start increasing your work NOW. Also, look into extra work like tutoring, which can be more lucrative than a day OTJ as a teacher. Can you develop a tutoring practice - are you good at math? writing? can you get special training in dyslexic appropriate reading instruction? Go online to tutoring websites where you can set your own fee. You can raise it once you have some students and reviews.

Finally, please sign up for NAMI Family to Family if you think your DH is really bipolar. You need to be better educated about this illness - untreated bipolar does not get better by itself and your kids have an increased risk of mental illness, so you need to get educated.

[Anonymous]

This has been going on for years, but nobody cut down on spending and saved or invested so he could take a lower paying job. You went on to get a high mortgage to boot.
Then, somehow you can't or won't get a $70k job and also refuse to downgrade.
Sell the house, rent something way cheaper, get a job full time job, and let him get a less stressful job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife 100% cared deeply for my mental health and happiness and supported me when I left the private sector for a govt job that drastically cut pay (similar to what you are proposing). She also supported me when I came back into the private sector because I understood that I needed to make more money and needed a more dynamic job. That support has meant everything to me, and for what it's worth, I have for years now made high six figures/low seven figures, and we are obviously quite comfortable. In addition to the moral support, she is also committed to living below our means so that there is always an exit when/if things get crazy again. This support has meant everything to me, and I think I have repaid that with good financial decisions.

I am the wife in a situation very much like this. OP, assuming that your husband is not in a mental health crisis/needs a different intervention (ie, that the job is really the root of the problem), the very best thing you can do right now is figure out what your 'cut to the bone' budget is. Share it with your spouse. Explain that you are willing to support whatever it takes to get him out of the current job BUT that it might/will mean significant lifestyle changes for a while (less/no travel, less/no eating out, no shopping, fewer kid activities, no hobby spending, cutting back on college savings, cutting back on retirement savings, selling a car, moving, etc.).

We went from a $250k to $115k household income (private sector to government) when I was a SAHP to two little kids. It was very, very tight for the next few years. But it was also the move that set my husband's career on a really great trajectory that has led to a lot of happiness - and some wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for years, but nobody cut down on spending and saved or invested so he could take a lower paying job. You went on to get a high mortgage to boot.
Then, somehow you can't or won't get a $70k job and also refuse to downgrade.
Sell the house, rent something way cheaper, get a job full time job, and let him get a less stressful job.

OP here - he is the spender, buying nice clothes and expensive watches, I try to keep it all in check. Our mortgage hasn’t changed but our taxes have gone up a lot since Covid, but this new job would be less than his previous job (that we bought the house on, that he liked)… so we didn’t buy the house after he took a job he hated. We would have to move farther out to save on a house which is fine but also not something I feel prepared to do next week.

I have life insurance on myself and on him and disability and if he lost his job he have savings, he would hopefully get a new one, and we would pivot. So it isn’t like we have no plans for that type of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for years, but nobody cut down on spending and saved or invested so he could take a lower paying job. You went on to get a high mortgage to boot.
Then, somehow you can't or won't get a $70k job and also refuse to downgrade.
Sell the house, rent something way cheaper, get a job full time job, and let him get a less stressful job.

OP here - he is the spender, buying nice clothes and expensive watches, I try to keep it all in check. Our mortgage hasn’t changed but our taxes have gone up a lot since Covid, but this new job would be less than his previous job (that we bought the house on, that he liked)… so we didn’t buy the house after he took a job he hated. We would have to move farther out to save on a house which is fine but also not something I feel prepared to do next week.

I have life insurance on myself and on him and disability and if he lost his job he have savings, he would hopefully get a new one, and we would pivot. So it isn’t like we have no plans for that type of stuff.

You keep trying these strawman arguments. I'm not a magician! I can't move next week! No one is saying that, and that's bad faith tactics in a discussion. The savings are so that you have time to find a smaller house and move.

But your point about him being the spender gets back to the point others have made that you both need to sit down and look at finances and figure out what is possible. Your objection that you don't want him to quit because you want to have that level of income is not the final say. When you supposedly agreed on this arrangement years ago, he wasn't making that much and he liked his job. You said as much. Things have changed, and you can either throw a tantrum or you can work together to find an answer. Frankly, you sound pretty irrational and uncaring.