DH job misery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you confirm if your spouse is a lawyer? I didn’t understand why people were guessing that aside from being miserable

OP here- He is not a lawyer. Yes I would think there would be something between 200-400k, I told him to let this job go and try to get one for 275-300 but that didn’t sit well with him.

You find a job for 70k. Everyone has one these days. Then he can go for 200k. I bet it's easier for you to find 70k than it is for him to find 275.

OP is risking that he’ll leave her in a few years because her kids are teens and she’s offering DH zero support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't answer this without actual HHI we are talking about.

$100k vs $50k is different from $1M vs $500k.

And do you have incomem

YOU can't answer because YOU didn't read the post!!! She said she works.
Do better.

[Anonymous]

We can’t make suggestions if you don’t tell us what your career is - nurse or teacher? They both make more than 30k!

You said you have been married 20 years. Things and people change. I have sah for a few years, worked pt, and now ft. Dh hated a job, lost a job, found a new job for a relocation I asked for. We are a team.

400k can be a lot or a little depending on your family size and needs and wants. Hopefully you have somewhat of a nest egg beyond retirement and college. Support your dh with this job change. Let him breathe a bit - who knows it may open up either more lucrative career or a more loving family environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can really relate to this. My DH is having the same issue and has been for awhile. It is really challenging. In our case, there is little to be done about it & he feels very miserable and stuck. He is a dentist (not a career that is easy to change) and I am a teacher (a career that obviously doesn’t pay all that much). He despises his job, is miserable, and is making the whole house miserable. But- we really can’t afford for him to just not work, or work part time etc. Even if we could, he would never be happy with that lifestyle (he is the spender between the two of us & would also HATE living on a super strict budget). He knew I was a teacher when we met, and married me anyway, so…..IDK. He has also tried several different avenues over the years (working for a large group practice, owing his own private practice etc) and has hated all. He just plain hates his job.

Is there something he wants to do other than dentistry?

Dentistry is one of the most part-time friendly careers that exists. In fact, MOST dentists work part-time now as part of group practices. So I find this somewhat strange tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

You have a shocking lack of sympathy for the man who pays your bills. I'm a woman but I'm being serious. He's miserable. You only get one life. He will need to step up more with childcare, etc. and you can step up more in your job. But it doesn't bother you at all that the person responsible for the roof over your head is telling you they are unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that.
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job.

You are so whiny!

Holiday planning? GMAFB. That's not a real task. Taxes? That's once a year. Why are you doing all the schoolwork?

And your children are in school all day? Seriously, you are making up reasons to need to not work, and your husband is telling you he's miserable. I don't know why you choose to have "several" (which, by the way, means at least 4?!?) kids and not sleep. Those were your choices but you're acting like you had no agency in those. Meanwhile, your husband is trying to change something over which he does have agency and you won't let him.

You need financial planning and counseling. Also, nurses can make a lot more than $30K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More like 400-200 and I do have income already yes, but only like 30k.

SO he is going to go from making 400k in a job where he is miserable to making 200k in a job he thinks he may like more?

OP, that's a reasonable life decision. You need to point out to him that this means he will have to step up and do more at home so you can try to make more (if you are college educated, you can make more than 30k per year doing almost anything - cmon OP). Or that you may need to sell the house.

Op, don't be selfish. 200k is a reasonable salary.

I am college educated, I even have a masters degree, but the combination of being out of work for 20 years and my career path doesn’t give me a ton of options. But if anyone has any suggestions, I would be more than happy to listen! That could definitely be a good option

20 years? How old are your kids?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh when we decided this he was probably making 75k, it was awhile ago! Our kid are all teens now so they are in school all day.

You need to step it up then. Your kids must be in school and/or activities (do any of them drive?) the majority of the day. I can't believe you are more willing to let your husband be unhappy than you are to lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - oh no I actually mean bipolar tendencies at times, I wasn’t using it in a flippant way.
Give me some job ideas that can help me make 70 after being out of work for so long! I am not being sarcastic, I would love ideas. My current salary is more of a side hustle that I can’t turn into more and outside of anything that could be turned into more.

How do you expect people to tell you what to do when you haven't explained what you do now?

I mean, start driving for Uber. Get a job at Target. Do you need more ideas?

[Anonymous]

You both sound very immature. You need to man up and not put material well-being over happiness. And he has no obligation to stay in a job that he hates to support you, but he does have an obligation to show how you can live on the lower salary- and should have been saving/paying off the mortgage all this time to make the transition easier, instead of buying fancy watches.

[Anonymous]

So this is a lot. Thank you all. Obviously I have a lot of resentment for him about how he treated me when he was unhappy in his job, so this is multilayered. But I do appreciate all the feedback and honestly, I would love to get a job and have him keep his current job so that we could build wealth, but I do know that his mental health is more important.
I do think part of him not liking his current job is playing the victim, there’s nothing horribly toxic or hard about it.
And part of me thinks so silly for me to get a full-time job and have us both be overworked and miserable, and have it affect our kids, instead of him just staying in the job for a couple more months and looking for a different one.

[Anonymous]

Also, I am in no way saying that I want him to stay at his current job, I am just saying he should shop around a bit and try to find a job that meets us in the middle in addition to me working

[Anonymous]

If your husband is actually an alcoholic with some sort of significant mental health issues like bipolar, the job isn’t going to change a darn thing. You need to really figure out what the issue is, because staying married to a mentally ill alcoholic isn’t going to be tenable long term even if he makes seven figures.

Why have you stayed with a man who treats you like garbage? You need to get a plan.

[Anonymous]

Dentistry is a very high stress and high suicide profession. Google it, e.g. https://treloaronline.com/resources/stress-in-dentistry-how-common-is-it/

Shopping therapy is well known self medication. Women buy Birkins men buy watches. His extravagant spending is a symptom of his deep unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Drinking is also a common self-medication. He may or may not be an alcoholic. I drank nightly after driving home for over an hour in heavy Beltway traffic from a toxic job. I was literally shaking when I got home. When that job laid half of us off, I stopped drinking to self medicate before fixing dinner. I should have quit but I was making a lot of money for those times.

OP runs risk her dentist husband will do something drastic, lose career, and/or leave her. That's a reality.