DH job misery

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for you. Please stop using bipolar the way you did.

[Anonymous]

OP - oh no I actually mean bipolar tendencies at times, I wasn’t using it in a flippant way.
Give me some job ideas that can help me make 70 after being out of work for so long! I am not being sarcastic, I would love ideas. My current salary is more of a side hustle that I can’t turn into more and outside of anything that could be turned into more.

[Anonymous]

Why would you have to explain the concept of consequences to a grown man?

I suspect you are not willing to make the sacrifices he is, because he is the one suffering.

Time for the family to step up and cut back, to support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you should live off that reduced amount now before making the decision so he can see the impact on his and the family lifestyle. No lunch, no movie, and he starts pitching in more at home so you can find higher paying work. Frankly, I would be preparing for a divorce since he sounds very selfish and immature.

The problem is that he thinks a job has presented itself and wants to jump on it asap.

No, he does not get to do that when he is a father and has bills to cover!

If you cannot cover your bills on $230k of income, then you need to reduce the bills.

Which would mean moving! I am not a magician, I can’t just undo our life.

Yet people do it everyday

OP sounds so Immature.

You need to get out of your comfort zone.

Your husband has been uncomfortable for years.

[Anonymous]

OP I understand your frustration. For men, this is the equivalent of your wife having a hot body and loving sex and then ten years later she lets herself go and pulls the plug sexually because she developed mental health issues. It’s not what you signed up for and it feels unfair and it’s also not your husband’s fault. It’s just a sad situation all around.

Unfortunately, you should have married a man that is passionate about his career and feels it’s his calling in life. When someone has a really great career they are successful in, they are able to seamlessly switch companies or firms without taking a pay cut. They may go on to start their own company. Better opportunities are always on the horizon for them.

[Anonymous]

Could you look into getting your realtor license? That seems to be a pretty common second career that can pay reasonably well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is so miserable in his job that he is making us all miserable. This has been going on for for years. It has made him a bit bipolar honestly - drinking, anger, mood swings etc. He recently decided he is going to try to get a job that pays half as much, which would put us in a situation where we can’t afford our life. We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle, but we do have a pretty high mortgage. I work part-time and would be willing to work more, but due to my line of work, my earning capacity is so much less than his. I also do everything with our children, house, finances, life, etc. literally all of it.
He likes being comfortable and being able to get lunch out or go to a movie when he wants (again, nothing extravagant) but none of this is registering to him right now, he just seems hell bent on taking this new job if he is offered it. How do I get him to see that life is expensive and we can’t just “cut back” bc there isn’t that much to cut back?

F**k your life. It's really true when people say that society does not care about men's mental health. All this woman cares about is "their life"". Sorry buttercup adjust and adapt.

[Anonymous]

You could always get a real job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can really relate to this. My DH is having the same issue and has been for awhile. It is really challenging. In our case, there is little to be done about it & he feels very miserable and stuck. He is a dentist (not a career that is easy to change) and I am a teacher (a career that obviously doesn’t pay all that much). He despises his job, is miserable, and is making the whole house miserable. But- we really can’t afford for him to just not work, or work part time etc. Even if we could, he would never be happy with that lifestyle (he is the spender between the two of us & would also HATE living on a super strict budget). He knew I was a teacher when we met, and married me anyway, so…..IDK. He has also tried several different avenues over the years (working for a large group practice, owing his own private practice etc) and has hated all. He just plain hates his job.

Is there something he wants to do other than dentistry?

[Anonymous]

Taking the 200k job and resetting his life and health seems like the best long term strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - oh no I actually mean bipolar tendencies at times, I wasn’t using it in a flippant way.
Give me some job ideas that can help me make 70 after being out of work for so long! I am not being sarcastic, I would love ideas. My current salary is more of a side hustle that I can’t turn into more and outside of anything that could be turned into more.

A starting teachers salary in FCPS is $60k.

Do you not have a college degree?

Have you ever had a professional job? Your resistance to looking for a job that pays as much as a starting out teacher yet your insistence that you know the job market enough that DH should easily find a $300k middle ground is amusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - oh no I actually mean bipolar tendencies at times, I wasn’t using it in a flippant way.
Give me some job ideas that can help me make 70 after being out of work for so long! I am not being sarcastic, I would love ideas. My current salary is more of a side hustle that I can’t turn into more and outside of anything that could be turned into more.

A starting teachers salary in FCPS is $60k.

Do you not have a college degree?

Have you ever had a professional job? Your resistance to looking for a job that pays as much as a starting out teacher yet your insistence that you know the job market enough that DH should easily find a $300k middle ground is amusing.

+1. And that 60K is with summers off. You can keep up your side hustle in the summer or babysit, tutor, drive teens around in the summer for extra cash. 70K is very attainable for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been going on for years, but nobody cut down on spending and saved or invested so he could take a lower paying job. You went on to get a high mortgage to boot.
Then, somehow you can't or won't get a $70k job and also refuse to downgrade.
Sell the house, rent something way cheaper, get a job full time job, and let him get a less stressful job.

OP here - he is the spender, buying nice clothes and expensive watches, I try to keep it all in check. Our mortgage hasn’t changed but our taxes have gone up a lot since Covid, but this new job would be less than his previous job (that we bought the house on, that he liked)… so we didn’t buy the house after he took a job he hated. We would have to move farther out to save on a house which is fine but also not something I feel prepared to do next week.

I have life insurance on myself and on him and disability and if he lost his job he have savings, he would hopefully get a new one, and we would pivot. So it isn’t like we have no plans for that type of stuff.

Why do you think he wouldn’t know he needs to lower his spending on luxury purchases if he halves his income? Do you think he’s stupid? He can’t be that stupid if he commands a $400K salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

So you don’t love or value your DH at all? He’s not a ATM machine. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that.
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job.

OP you sound emotionally immature. Things change! You’re not owed any of this. Go out and get a better job, work hard to get promoted, and take care of your family. Or, at the very least, pack up the house and move to support your DH’s mental health and the well being of your family.

When DH’s corp went bankrupt, I was 7 months pregnant SAHM and suddenly didn’t have health insurance. Told him to figure it out while I packed up our apartment and toddler to save money because we didn’t know where he’d land. But I believed in him and wasn’t going to let the family down.