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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.  [/quote]

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.[/quote]

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that. 
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job. [/quote]

OP, your OP post was my life 20 years ago - "DH is so miserable in his job that he is making us all miserable. This has been going on for for years. It has made him a bit bipolar honestly - drinking, anger, mood swings etc. " - right down to the bipolar comment. My DH was diagnosed with bipolar 6 months after I ended our relationship and asked him to move out of our home when our kids were 18 months and 5 years old, and I was in the middle of grad school.

While you cannot make your DH see a psychiatrist, take medication or go to therapy, you do have choices about how YOU react to his failure to do those things. His unwillingness to do these things guarantees that life is going to get worse for you and the kids.  Looking back, although it was a very hard thing to do, I 100% did the right thing.  His behavior, although perhaps driven by the dysphoric hypomania and depressive lows of bipolar, was also emotionally abusive to me and not at all a good example for the kids.  Leaving him meant that I was able to raise my kids in a healthy home for at least 50% of the time. That healthy space gave me time to teach my kids about mental health, alcohol and drugs in ways that meant when they were confronted with these issues they were able to seek help and avoid the addiction, which had a long and strong presence in family history.

You may feel that your DH has broken his promise, and he may well have, but you cannot change that. Please start increasing your work NOW.  Also, look into extra work like tutoring, which can be more lucrative than a day OTJ as a teacher.  Can you develop a tutoring practice - are you good at math? writing?  can you get special training in dyslexic appropriate reading instruction?  Go online to tutoring websites where you can set your own fee.  You can raise it once you have some students and reviews.

Finally, please sign up for NAMI Family to Family if you think your DH is really bipolar.  You need to be better educated about this illness - untreated bipolar does not get better by itself and your kids have an increased risk of mental illness, so you need to get educated. [/quote]

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