Dating with a more serious and intense personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't have to be fun and light. There are plenty of guys who would be a good match the way that you are. But for your own happiness please get some therapy about always checking your bank account and some of the other OCD stuff you do.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

I disagree with this advice, having tried it myself and ended up even more stressed out and anxious, playing mom to a man who never actually grew up or got his ADHD treated. It was fun for a couple of years when we were 18-20, then it was pure hell.

First, get therapy and find your calm and peace. Then, if you decide to partner up, choose a partner who is very responsible and dependable so you can be the light, fun person in the partnership.

Idk why no one in this thread thinks that extroverted, gregarious, happy-go-lucky guys who can laugh and be witty are automatically manchildren. The opposite temperment of OP can’t *all* be losers, and those guys marry *somebody*! Opposites frequently find each other.

Men who are looking for "light and fun" women are really asking "will you put up with my irresponsible, annoying BS without giving me grief?". "Be his peace" is some crazy entitled advice. Men either bring peace by providing, or they bring chaos and a bunch of expectations.

Having a sense of humor is fine. Needing your partner to be a certain kind of non-threatening is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know a lot of people willing to date/marry someone sending all their money back home to poor inept family.

I would wager that once you find someone that makes you feel safe and comfortable you would relax a little. Maybe none of these guys were the right fit for you.

Look up the burned haystack method to weed through the... weeds.

We did not get any information that her family was inept. Poor and inept are not the same at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

I disagree with this advice, having tried it myself and ended up even more stressed out and anxious, playing mom to a man who never actually grew up or got his ADHD treated. It was fun for a couple of years when we were 18-20, then it was pure hell.

First, get therapy and find your calm and peace. Then, if you decide to partner up, choose a partner who is very responsible and dependable so you can be the light, fun person in the partnership.

Idk why no one in this thread thinks that extroverted, gregarious, happy-go-lucky guys who can laugh and be witty are automatically manchildren. The opposite temperment of OP can’t *all* be losers, and those guys marry *somebody*! Opposites frequently find each other.

Men who are looking for "light and fun" women are really asking "will you put up with my irresponsible, annoying BS without giving me grief?". "Be his peace" is some crazy entitled advice. Men either bring peace by providing, or they bring chaos and a bunch of expectations.

Having a sense of humor is fine. Needing your partner to be a certain kind of non-threatening is a red flag.

+1 I”m similar to you OP. I have a lot of abuse related PTSD, but my mom was the immigrant not me, so that part is different. I found the right person for me: quiet, likes routine, very responsible and we aren’t exciting, but it works well for both of us. I will say the most important thing I learned to do in therapy is to set aside 15 minutes of worrying time each day. If I catch my self worrying, I tell my self I can do that during my 15 minutes and it has really helped.

[Anonymous]

OP don't listen to all the people saying basically there is something wrong with you. I think some people are just more intense than others. I am a 1.5 generation immigrant and I am kind of like you. It is a combination of the stress and experience of growing up as a poor immigrant with no social and financial safety net in this country and just plain inmate temperament. I honestly think most Americans just do not understand. They are either educated but grew up spoiled as middle class Americans or are poor but uneducated.

I would suggest going on dates that involve some physical activity, like hiking or rock climbing, or kayaking, etc. The endorphins help with relaxing you and lightening things up for the first few dates. I find that some people are fine with intensity but not right off the bat.

You also need to think hard about what kind of partner you want. For some intense personalities, they work best with someone opposite, who is chill and easygoing because this allows the intense person to lead and exert more control over family and financial life. However, the tradeoff is that it puts more stress on you. So some are happier meeting someone who is also intense and focused and can get shit done. Being with someone like that could help you relax since he would be sharing your burden in life. You really need some introspection here.

Good luck. It is a lifelong struggle. I am married so not looking to meet men but every time I meet anyone new, like a school parent, I am aware of how much more intense I am than the regular American mom. I have to actively tone it down, but most of the time now, i find that exhausting so I just don't care to mingle and make small talk. Sometimes, in rare cases, I stumble across someone else intense, and we usually hit it off immediately. Just sharing so you know that some of us appreciate intensity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

Three workouts a day is two too many. That’s not healthy. Since you like to do research do research on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

Three workouts a day is two too many. That’s not healthy. Since you like to do research do research on that.

Op clarified that she exercises 3 times a week, not day.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lot like OP with an intense personality and a "carry the burdens of my family" on my shoulders. Maybe it's cultural, but it's not an aspect of my life that I would ever choose to give up. I get great happiness and purpose from being a provider and I don't expect people from other walks of life to understand. But trust me, it's not something OP will stop anytime soon.

I married someone who is even more of am intense provider/caregiver than I am and it works. But he recognizes that he has emotional baggage from his childhood that causes him to want to care for/rescue people in unhealthy ways, and he's done years of therapy to understand why he chose the wife he had before me (a perpetual victim who always needed to be saved) and how that was a bad situation for him. He was taken advantage of in prior relationships and based on what he learned in therapy, he specifically set out to find someone "independent" and highly capable like me instead of continuing his pattern of choosing damsels in distress or women who needed a man to provide for her material needs.

For both of us, the dynamic in our relationship is unlike anything we've ever experienced before. I've never been able to let someone else make decisions or take control of some area of life. This was mainly because I was a control freak, but also because legitimately, the other person wasn't going to be able to do it as well as me. As an example, my DH is the first person I've ever trusted to plan out a road trip for us. That's because he is the type, like me, who would do the research, buy a map and study it, figure out the activities that we'd most enjoy on our budget and figure out the best place to book, etc... And he'd consult me along the way as he shored up plans because he actually values my ideas/opinions. For him, it's the first time he isn't the one who has to bottom line everything. He knows that if something happened to him, I'd be able to step in and make sure everything was fine. And it's the first time his partner pulled her own weight and then some. It's a huge turn-on for him that I truly don't "need" him, I just WANT him in my life. This makes him feel like I want him for HIM and not for his money or status or whatever.

Ignore all those people saying to find someone lighthearted and carefree. Find a man who leans into taking charge of things and can do it well, but who isn't a macho bully. I know that's a hard combo to find, but I thank my lucky stars that I found one because he's the perfect complement to my "I'm responsible for everyone and everything" personality.

And so long as you earn enough money on your own to share what you share with family, 99% of men won't care. It irritates me to no end, but the sad truth is that men don't evaluate a woman based on her income. So long as she isn't going to cost them more than they currently spend, they don't care how much she earns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an immigrant myself and could have written your post word for word. We are eerily similar.

Some of it is just cultural. Americans are naturally and annoyingly aloof and non-serious about relationships. So not all of it is you.

Some of it is anxiety from not having family around, trauma and having to be the fixer and provider for extended family.

I have gotten therapy for PTSD and depression, which has helped me feel more at peace and less anxious. I certainly don't think you should get therapy unless you think it will benefit you personally, separate from how you might make someone you're with feel.

Be yourself and the right person will come along. He did for me.

What kind of partner did you end up with?

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you, OP. I was you, twenty years ago... a young immigrant woman in the US, stressed out beyond belief as the financial provider for my family, including my two parents, but too scared and bound by culture to say no. Twenty years later, this is what I would have advised the younger me.
1. Begin to gently disengage from your many financial obligations. Don't drop all of them at once (as the guilt will kill you) but start to set some boundaries for your own emotional and financial wellbeing, e.g. send a fixed amount of x every month (a figure that is lower than what you are sending now), or only paying for clear designated expenses e.g. school fees for siblings. After establishing this boundary, block them from being able to reach you whether by phone or by email, and do not budge. The new dynamic will be uncomfortable for all, including you, but they will be forced to adapt to the new normal and you will get some crucial breathing space in your finances.
2. If you are able, please look for a therapist who is familiar with your cultural context, to give you support as you begin to establish boundaries. You can also ask for recommendations from your home country (or from immigrants in the US who are from your country). Nowadays a lot of therapists are available virtually so it may be possible for you to get someone who will understand what you are going through.
3. Don't date seriously for now, but if you do date, please make sure you are on birth control to avoid adding another mouth to feed while you are still stabilizing yourself.
4. Prioritize inexpensive activities/hobbies that make you happy... reading, cooking, dancing, whatever the case may be. The goal here is to keep yourself busy, in a happy way, so that you are not anxiously ruminating or worrying about your family or your finances, or your future prospects.
All in all, I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself. I ended up moving back to my home country after 10 years in the US and met my husband here. He has a completely different personality from mine, i.e., he is light-hearted, jovial, and an extreme extrovert, but very kind and responsible, so I felt safe with him. We have been married now for 13 years despite our personality differences. You too can meet someone that matches you, so don't give up, and take care of yourself in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s fine to be a little more of an intense personality but what you are describing is an extreme hyper vigilance and anxiety. You are taking on all this responsibility and it’s clearly catching up with you. Your dates are picking up on this energy and saying “no thank you”
Right off the bat, before anything even gets started. It’s too much! You may not tell them all your family burdens on a date, but trust me, they feel it. And no man wants to play second fiddle to anyone’s family. Most are really basic and want to be the star of their show, not a guest appearance. the ones that will take you as you are, right now are looking for another mommy and you will be taking care of yet another person (either emotionally or financially). The ones that are saying no to you bc you are “intense” understand boundaries and aren’t necessarily going to put up with all of your priorities, bc they want to be your main priority. Ppl are inherently selfish. I admire your taking care of your family but you are sacrificing your own personal happiness. you will reach a breaking point and the extreme hypervigellence will end poorly for you health wise and relationship wise.