Dating with a more serious and intense personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

Working out three times a day is not normal. I responded before (I'm the immigrant) and I think you should do therapy and probably meds to manage your anxiety. I mean this in the most non-snarky way possible. You need to take care of your health before you even think about dating.

Op here. Gosh, I meant to type 3 workouts a week!

OK, huge difference

I still think you could benefit from therapy and some anxiety meds. I know I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy.

take care of yourself for a full year before you date.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

If you meant 3 workouts a day you truly need therapy. This type of compulsive thinking and behavior is really not normal or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

A fun, light guy who needs support structures will stress OP further. She might end up with a man child.

I suggest a calm, quiet intellectual introvert who likes helping (teaching, doing volunteer work, mentoring).

OP needs to learn how to compartmentalize worries and relax during relaxation time. Dating is relaxation time. So sharing worries should be saved for a serious boyfriend/fiance/husband. You may be telling men about your problems too soon.

OP, try watching comedy shows until you hear yourself start laughing. Maybe grant yourself a few inexpensive indulgences. Instead of always being logical and saving money. It sounds like you are depriving yourself of joy while attempting to seriously tackle your problems head-on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have received feedback from men that I am not “fun and light.”

This is correct as I’ve had a lot of trauma over the past ten years of my life, in addition to which I’m a youngish immigrant woman living all alone in the United States with no safety net or family. It all falls on me and I even am the father figure for my extended family at home who are poor and need financial and logistical help.

I’m always strategizing and thinking ahead and stressed out. I don’t think of how to be funny or witty and I’m serious and have an intensity and depth to me.

Believe me I wish I wasn’t like this!

What can I do? I don’t know if I can get a personality transplant or significantly change my life circumstances but what kind of men should I date?

PP upthread who said "therapy and don't date for a year" nailed it.

It would be one thing if you were happy and men just didn't vibe with your personality. But you're describing being unhappy with your own life/lifestyle, and that's work you need to fix for yourself before bringing someone else into it. Otherwise, the sort of person who'd like the stressed, overworked, mentally-overloaded you is probably looking to dump their problems onto you, look to you for support, and exploit your current configuration.

And yes, you can totally address all of it. You may never be 100% lighthearted and easygoing, but you can learn how to manage stressors, let go of things that aren't yours to carry, and see the joy and the humor in the things that you're up against. Please get the help you need to be happier, and don't date until you do.

You're now in a very serious, committed relationship with yourself and your own happiness. Treat it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

I disagree with this advice, having tried it myself and ended up even more stressed out and anxious, playing mom to a man who never actually grew up or got his ADHD treated. It was fun for a couple of years when we were 18-20, then it was pure hell.

First, get therapy and find your calm and peace. Then, if you decide to partner up, choose a partner who is very responsible and dependable so you can be the light, fun person in the partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have received feedback from men that I am not “fun and light.”

This is correct as I’ve had a lot of trauma over the past ten years of my life, in addition to which I’m a youngish immigrant woman living all alone in the United States with no safety net or family. It all falls on me and I even am the father figure for my extended family at home who are poor and need financial and logistical help.

I’m always strategizing and thinking ahead and stressed out. I don’t think of how to be funny or witty and I’m serious and have an intensity and depth to me.

Believe me I wish I wasn’t like this!

What can I do? I don’t know if I can get a personality transplant or significantly change my life circumstances but what kind of men should I date?

Well thank goodness you found DCUM!

[Anonymous]

So much Op trolls and subsequent troll posts. Lamer than lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much Op trolls and subsequent troll posts. Lamer than lame.

Yet here you are, putting your worthless two cents in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

I disagree with this advice, having tried it myself and ended up even more stressed out and anxious, playing mom to a man who never actually grew up or got his ADHD treated. It was fun for a couple of years when we were 18-20, then it was pure hell.

First, get therapy and find your calm and peace. Then, if you decide to partner up, choose a partner who is very responsible and dependable so you can be the light, fun person in the partnership.

Idk why no one in this thread thinks that extroverted, gregarious, happy-go-lucky guys who can laugh and be witty are automatically manchildren. The opposite temperment of OP can’t *all* be losers, and those guys marry *somebody*! Opposites frequently find each other.

[Anonymous]

OP you don't have to be fun and light. There are plenty of guys who would be a good match the way that you are. But for your own happiness please get some therapy about always checking your bank account and some of the other OCD stuff you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

OP,

Do not do this. Your marriage will suck. You are a type A who needs a type A. Some of it is anxiety, but it will be so much worse if you marry a light and fun man. Men have more fragile egos than women, and a man will quickly get defensive if you are doing better than him financially AND bossing him around.

My aunt who is like you is married to a lawyer, and it works. They are both recent immigrants so while he is sometimes frustrated with her, he understands and loves her because her personality has being advantageous in their career and personal goals. She is also aware that she has an anxiety disorder and she is getting treatment, and she is getting more relaxed with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

I disagree with this advice, having tried it myself and ended up even more stressed out and anxious, playing mom to a man who never actually grew up or got his ADHD treated. It was fun for a couple of years when we were 18-20, then it was pure hell.

First, get therapy and find your calm and peace. Then, if you decide to partner up, choose a partner who is very responsible and dependable so you can be the light, fun person in the partnership.

Idk why no one in this thread thinks that extroverted, gregarious, happy-go-lucky guys who can laugh and be witty are automatically manchildren. The opposite temperment of OP can’t *all* be losers, and those guys marry *somebody*! Opposites frequently find each other.

The problem with PP's description is that the man would "need a serious responsible woman to temper" him. That is a manchild.

There are extroverted, gregarious, happy-go-lucky guys who do not need tempering. OP needs a man who will pull her to the happy side. I am the PP with the aunt who is similar to OP. Her DH is the life of the party, but he is a serious professional, no tempering needed. My aunt laughs and rolls at his silliness at family functions or in the evenings after work, but he is a strict about his diet, exercise, career ambitions, personal growth, dress etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

I disagree with this advice, having tried it myself and ended up even more stressed out and anxious, playing mom to a man who never actually grew up or got his ADHD treated. It was fun for a couple of years when we were 18-20, then it was pure hell.

First, get therapy and find your calm and peace. Then, if you decide to partner up, choose a partner who is very responsible and dependable so you can be the light, fun person in the partnership.

Idk why no one in this thread thinks that extroverted, gregarious, happy-go-lucky guys who can laugh and be witty are automatically manchildren. The opposite temperment of OP can’t *all* be losers, and those guys marry *somebody*! Opposites frequently find each other.

Fair. They are not automatically machildren, but proceed with caution nevertheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

You're a planner. I am too.
Plan time for lightness and fun. Actually carve out an appointment in your day to lie still, look at the light through the window, do crosswords, watch a funny cat video. Take up a hobby or activity that gets you out of the house and makes you stop thinking, and gets you talking to other people and out of your head. You need to plan time for fun and time to stop thinking. Guess what? You can do that. It's a strength to plan so use it to your advantage. It may take a while before you can do it for very long and consistently but start with 15 minutes.