Dating with a more serious and intense personality
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Anonymous
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I have received feedback from men that I am not “fun and light.”
This is correct as I’ve had a lot of trauma over the past ten years of my life, in addition to which I’m a youngish immigrant woman living all alone in the United States with no safety net or family. It all falls on me and I even am the father figure for my extended family at home who are poor and need financial and logistical help. I’m always strategizing and thinking ahead and stressed out. I don’t think of how to be funny or witty and I’m serious and have an intensity and depth to me. Believe me I wish I wasn’t like this! What can I do? I don’t know if I can get a personality transplant or significantly change my life circumstances but what kind of men should I date? |
Anonymous
| How did you get this "feedback from men"? |
Anonymous
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Therapy.
take care of yourself for a full year before you date. |
Anonymous
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Therapy with a therapist who really gets your situation. It might be hard to find one.
I think a lot of people are reluctant to take on the kind of extended family you describe. Because the more you earn, the more they will ask for, and it will never end. You need to get comfortable saying no to some of their financial requests and make clear when dating that you are very comfortable saying no. And try harder to date people from a similar culture because they will be much more used to it and maybe okay with it. |
Anonymous
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Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.
Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility. |
Anonymous
| Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you. |
Anonymous
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You need therapy.
Also consider whether you may be on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum: it takes intensity and focus to claw your way out of desperate conditions, and autistic people can have such a focus. My autistic husband was a war refugee as a child, experienced hunger and deprivation, and clawed his way out of poverty and into medical school. His detachment from emotional pain, and relative ignorance of social nuance, helped him through it. Autism always comes with obsessive thoughts and anxiety. There are many ways to manage anxiety, OP: medication, meditation, exercise, walks in the fresh air, massage, deep breathing, careful planning of your life and routines, therapy, self-talk, etc. I have the Calm app on my phone and I turn to it when things go crazy. |
Anonymous
This is good advice. As for examples of my intensity: - I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc - I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire? - reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it. I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness. |
Anonymous
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I don't know a lot of people willing to date/marry someone sending all their money back home to poor inept family.
I would wager that once you find someone that makes you feel safe and comfortable you would relax a little. Maybe none of these guys were the right fit for you. Look up the burned haystack method to weed through the... weeds. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am an immigrant myself and could have written your post word for word. We are eerily similar.
Some of it is just cultural. Americans are naturally and annoyingly aloof and non-serious about relationships. So not all of it is you. Some of it is anxiety from not having family around, trauma and having to be the fixer and provider for extended family. I have gotten therapy for PTSD and depression, which has helped me feel more at peace and less anxious. I certainly don't think you should get therapy unless you think it will benefit you personally, separate from how you might make someone you're with feel. Be yourself and the right person will come along. He did for me. |
Anonymous
I hope this is a typo! Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for. |
Anonymous
I am not OP but I absolutely send money every month to my elderly mother who has worked HER ASS OFF her entire life in a system that paid her next to nothing. She skipped meals so that my sister and I could eat. She rarely even bought anything for herself so that we could have clothes and things we needed. You grew up in a country that provided every opportunity imaginable for you to succeed and instead of using that opportunity to educate yourself and develop some compassion, you have decided to stay ignorant and hateful. How sad for you. |
Anonymous
I know a woman like this (we all do) who married the most relaxed, nice, easygoing guy. Of course he gained 50 pounds after marriage, has a low paying career, and she perpetually wants to strangle him. But a lot of marriages are like that. |
Anonymous
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I think your relatives are accustomed to relying on you and if you assist them less, they may learn to do more. Not to make anyone truly suffer, but they'll do better in life if they increase their own abilities.
I think you have PTSD. |
Anonymous
Americans are so clueless. You have no idea how people live in poor countries. |