Reply to Dating with a more serious and intense personality

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm a lot like OP with an intense personality and a "carry the burdens of my family" on my shoulders. Maybe it's cultural, but it's not an aspect of my life that I would ever choose to give up. I get great happiness and purpose from being a provider and I don't expect people from other walks of life to understand. But trust me, it's not something OP will stop anytime soon.

I married someone who is even more of am intense provider/caregiver than I am and it works. But he recognizes that he has emotional baggage from his childhood that causes him to want to care for/rescue people in unhealthy ways, and he's done years of therapy to understand why he chose the wife he had before me (a perpetual victim who always needed to be saved) and how that was a bad situation for him. He was taken advantage of in prior relationships and based on what he learned in therapy, he specifically set out to find someone "independent" and highly capable like me instead of continuing his pattern of choosing damsels in distress or women who needed a man to provide for her material needs.

For both of us, the dynamic in our relationship is unlike anything we've ever experienced before. I've never been able to let someone else make decisions or take control of some area of life. This was mainly because I was a control freak, but also because legitimately, the other person wasn't going to be able to do it as well as me. As an example, my DH is the first person I've ever trusted to plan out a road trip for us. That's because he is the type, like me, who would do the research, buy a map and study it, figure out the activities that we'd most enjoy on our budget and figure out the best place to book, etc... And he'd consult me along the way as he shored up plans because he actually values my ideas/opinions. For him, it's the first time he isn't the one who has to bottom line everything. He knows that if something happened to him, I'd be able to step in and make sure everything was fine. And it's the first time his partner pulled her own weight and then some. It's a huge turn-on for him that I truly don't "need" him, I just WANT him in my life. This makes him feel like I want him for HIM and not for his money or status or whatever.

Ignore all those people saying to find someone lighthearted and carefree. Find a man who leans into taking charge of things and can do it well, but who isn't a macho bully. I know that's a hard combo to find, but I thank my lucky stars that I found one because he's the perfect complement to my "I'm responsible for everyone and everything" personality.

And so long as you earn enough money on your own to share what you share with family, 99% of men won't care. It irritates me to no end, but the sad truth is that men don't evaluate a woman based on her income. So long as she isn't going to cost them more than they currently spend, they don't care how much she earns.

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