Dating with a more serious and intense personality

[Anonymous]

Are you being woken in the night by family in a different time zone? Put a stop to that and you'll probably feel much better. There is very little in life that cant wait a few hours.

Very few people want to financially support a large extended in-law family. And fewer still want to be the on-call support person. Maybe it's also your personality but you need to understand your family situation is also putting people off dating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your relatives are accustomed to relying on you and if you assist them less, they may learn to do more. Not to make anyone truly suffer, but they'll do better in life if they increase their own abilities.

I think you have PTSD.

Americans are so clueless. You have no idea how people live in poor countries.

I do know, I just think OP can pull back a bit and they might step up. What would they do if OP died? They'd have to figure things out. So they can start doing that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Screen a guy who is fun and light himself and needs a serious, responsible woman to temper him. So in general, avoid men in stuffy professions like medicine, engineering, certain areas of law.

Also find a new father figure for your siblings. I know it sounds cold, but the American way is to leave those children in the hands of their actual parent(s) so you can strike out on your own. You can help, but they aren’t your responsibility.

That’s how you end up with a man-pet - fun, gentle, cuddly, endlessly affirming and completely useless on his own. Make sure it suits you before you go that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an immigrant myself and could have written your post word for word. We are eerily similar.

Some of it is just cultural. Americans are naturally and annoyingly aloof and non-serious about relationships. So not all of it is you.

Some of it is anxiety from not having family around, trauma and having to be the fixer and provider for extended family.

I have gotten therapy for PTSD and depression, which has helped me feel more at peace and less anxious. I certainly don't think you should get therapy unless you think it will benefit you personally, separate from how you might make someone you're with feel.

Be yourself and the right person will come along. He did for me.

Op here. I am in therapy but I don’t think my therapist is helpful. I need a new therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you being woken in the night by family in a different time zone? Put a stop to that and you'll probably feel much better. There is very little in life that cant wait a few hours.

Very few people want to financially support a large extended in-law family. And fewer still want to be the on-call support person. Maybe it's also your personality but you need to understand your family situation is also putting people off dating you.

Op here. I don’t tell men my family baggage generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

Working out three times a day is not normal. I responded before (I'm the immigrant) and I think you should do therapy and probably meds to manage your anxiety. I mean this in the most non-snarky way possible. You need to take care of your health before you even think about dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

You have PTSD or a serious anxiety problem. Try out an anxiety med. The workouts are probably helping you cope with anxiety but you should cut back to 2x a day and practice getting more rest.

[Anonymous]

OP, your obsessiveness is not healthy for you. Checking bank accounts? Worrying about diet and exercise checklists? Family vigilance and financial caretaking? Add on your job and you literally have no energy left for any relationship.

Sad to say, very few if any Americans want to take on a relationship with you and your family. You vome as a package. So some of your "too intense" feedback may be covering up for that perceived negative factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an immigrant myself and could have written your post word for word. We are eerily similar.

Some of it is just cultural. Americans are naturally and annoyingly aloof and non-serious about relationships. So not all of it is you.

Some of it is anxiety from not having family around, trauma and having to be the fixer and provider for extended family.

I have gotten therapy for PTSD and depression, which has helped me feel more at peace and less anxious. I certainly don't think you should get therapy unless you think it will benefit you personally, separate from how you might make someone you're with feel.

Be yourself and the right person will come along. He did for me.

Op here. I am in therapy but I don’t think my therapist is helpful. I need a new therapist!

Yes, I found that most of them are not good. But a good therapist and psychiatrist are priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you being woken in the night by family in a different time zone? Put a stop to that and you'll probably feel much better. There is very little in life that cant wait a few hours.

Very few people want to financially support a large extended in-law family. And fewer still want to be the on-call support person. Maybe it's also your personality but you need to understand your family situation is also putting people off dating you.

Op here. I don’t tell men my family baggage generally.

Then it's your PTSD or anxiety or generally intense behavior.

But they will find out about the family if you get serious, so start setting some boundaries with your relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an immigrant myself and could have written your post word for word. We are eerily similar.

Some of it is just cultural. Americans are naturally and annoyingly aloof and non-serious about relationships. So not all of it is you.

Some of it is anxiety from not having family around, trauma and having to be the fixer and provider for extended family.

I have gotten therapy for PTSD and depression, which has helped me feel more at peace and less anxious. I certainly don't think you should get therapy unless you think it will benefit you personally, separate from how you might make someone you're with feel.

Be yourself and the right person will come along. He did for me.

Op here. I am in therapy but I don’t think my therapist is helpful. I need a new therapist!

You need someone who is culturally competent and understands your background. A run of the mill therapist will start lecturing you about boundaries and enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an immigrant myself and could have written your post word for word. We are eerily similar.

Some of it is just cultural. Americans are naturally and annoyingly aloof and non-serious about relationships. So not all of it is you.

Some of it is anxiety from not having family around, trauma and having to be the fixer and provider for extended family.

I have gotten therapy for PTSD and depression, which has helped me feel more at peace and less anxious. I certainly don't think you should get therapy unless you think it will benefit you personally, separate from how you might make someone you're with feel.

Be yourself and the right person will come along. He did for me.

Op here. I am in therapy but I don’t think my therapist is helpful. I need a new therapist!

You need someone who is culturally competent and understands your background. A run of the mill therapist will start lecturing you about boundaries and enmeshment.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just better describe your personality on the dating profile, emphasizing your depth, independence, etc.? When you start talking with them on the app, share more information about yourself, to ensure that they understand who you are and what to expect? That would save you and them from potential disappointment and attract the right type of men - could be another immigrant who’s been through a lot and understands and appreciates you.

This is good advice.

As for examples of my intensity:

- I am always scanning for danger and trouble. Constantly vigilant. Checking bank accounts, assessing my life etc
- I’m goal driven. I can’t chill or relax. What’s next? How do I get the next promotion? How can I optimize my week so I can ensure I’m getting 3 workouts a day? How do I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. How much money do I need to retire?
- reading literature and then reading critical analysis and conducting research to get to the tooth of it.

I am not just a chill cool girl who relaxes and is full of jokes and a lightness.

I hope this is a typo!
Some men really like a driven type A woman, you just have to find the one who isn't looking for a new mommy that you have to do everything for.

Op here. I meant 3 workouts a day.

My mind is always a never ending to do list. Always on to the next. What’s not done? What issue or problem am I not foreseeing and preparing for etc? I’m always bracing for impact.

Working out three times a day is not normal. I responded before (I'm the immigrant) and I think you should do therapy and probably meds to manage your anxiety. I mean this in the most non-snarky way possible. You need to take care of your health before you even think about dating.

Op here. Gosh, I meant to type 3 workouts a week!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have zero free time, so how can you date?

You seem very not flexible and very anxious. Not qualities that people want to date. Get a better therapist and deal with those first.

I think your involvement with your family may stem from anxiety and if you treat your anxiety you may not feel the need to help them with every little thing 24/7.