I wish I was chill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can, OP, I would recommend trying to find mechanisms to cope with this, lessen it. I am in the process of doing the same, and it isn't easy. I am now in my 60s. Type A, not chill has helped me in so many ways in life. I am the fixer, if you will. But now that I am at a stage of no one needing me to fix things, all my chill friends who I have always been there for, aren't there for me now that I could use some help. I understand that this isn't their responsibility. But it has been a shock to understand that having always taken care of myself and others, that in hindsight those people always, basically, just took from me. And when I no longer can help them with their careers or kids or money or whatever it is, I'm just irritating.

I am realizing I am depressed at this point. And I woke up today deciding I will look into anti-depressants. So finding your post first thing this morning feels like a sign that I have to do something different to solve this.

As a PP stated up thread. Chill people aren't on alert and are surprised when things go sideways. I would contend a Chill person doesn't have the skill set to help you solve your problems. Which, as you said, is not their job anyway. As a result, there is no motivation to help, but are happy to receive it when they are "surprised" but something occurring in their lives.

Example A of being judgmental and condescending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give an example of when you think you were uptight and it annoyed someone?

Wondering if it’s just your interpretation and people aren’t really bothered by it.

Not OP: My DH gets annoyed when I want to be at the airport earlier than he thinks is ok and I need to have a longer layover if we are not flying direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can, OP, I would recommend trying to find mechanisms to cope with this, lessen it. I am in the process of doing the same, and it isn't easy. I am now in my 60s. Type A, not chill has helped me in so many ways in life. I am the fixer, if you will. But now that I am at a stage of no one needing me to fix things, all my chill friends who I have always been there for, aren't there for me now that I could use some help. I understand that this isn't their responsibility. But it has been a shock to understand that having always taken care of myself and others, that in hindsight those people always, basically, just took from me. And when I no longer can help them with their careers or kids or money or whatever it is, I'm just irritating.

I am realizing I am depressed at this point. And I woke up today deciding I will look into anti-depressants. So finding your post first thing this morning feels like a sign that I have to do something different to solve this.

As a PP stated up thread. Chill people aren't on alert and are surprised when things go sideways. I would contend a Chill person doesn't have the skill set to help you solve your problems. Which, as you said, is not their job anyway. As a result, there is no motivation to help, but are happy to receive it when they are "surprised" but something occurring in their lives.

Example A of being judgmental and condescending.

Believe it or not, I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to say that a person who doesn't spend a great deal of time making sure that there is a plan for any eventuality is not going to have ready answers to help. They also might think: What's the big deal? Perhaps rightly. It can be unrealistic to think that a chill person is going to be a go-to person to provide help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am similar. Like you therapy and meditation helped. Xanax helps in very stressful situations. I have a few mantras (that does not belong to me, this too shall pass, I am a capable woman who can figure it out….). Daily life exercise and getting outside no matter the weather helps. Reading books (hard cover or paperback) that are not too stressful helps. Watching a favorite movie or tv show helps.

What helps me the most is an hour long swim/deep water aerobic class with a hot shower after. It just relaxes me the most.

Taking the edges off helps, but you are right we cannot change who we are- nor should we.

I am the pp and would like to state that I have never asked to change tables. I think that trait is different from being wound up tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can, OP, I would recommend trying to find mechanisms to cope with this, lessen it. I am in the process of doing the same, and it isn't easy. I am now in my 60s. Type A, not chill has helped me in so many ways in life. I am the fixer, if you will. But now that I am at a stage of no one needing me to fix things, all my chill friends who I have always been there for, aren't there for me now that I could use some help. I understand that this isn't their responsibility. But it has been a shock to understand that having always taken care of myself and others, that in hindsight those people always, basically, just took from me. And when I no longer can help them with their careers or kids or money or whatever it is, I'm just irritating.

I am realizing I am depressed at this point. And I woke up today deciding I will look into anti-depressants. So finding your post first thing this morning feels like a sign that I have to do something different to solve this.

As a PP stated up thread. Chill people aren't on alert and are surprised when things go sideways. I would contend a Chill person doesn't have the skill set to help you solve your problems. Which, as you said, is not their job anyway. As a result, there is no motivation to help, but are happy to receive it when they are "surprised" but something occurring in their lives.

Example A of being judgmental and condescending.

Believe it or not, I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to say that a person who doesn't spend a great deal of time making sure that there is a plan for any eventuality is not going to have ready answers to help. They also might think: What's the big deal? Perhaps rightly. It can be unrealistic to think that a chill person is going to be a go-to person to provide help.

This was my therapist’s response to a similar comment about needing to have back up plans for several scenarios: you don’t need to plan out several scenarios, you are a capable intelligent person who will be able to make decisions should something arise. It’s okay to make plans for something like realizing your made plane reservations on the Friday before Palm Sunday and the airport will be crazy- but once you make the plan don’t go over it over and over. Set it aside and do your plan.

I will say, it really helped me and I am not as anxious of a person and I have more bandwidth to enjoy life a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just an uptight person and I don't think I'll ever be anything different. I can tell it annoys other people (or even just amuses them) sometimes, and keeps them from liking me more. Heck, it annoys me. I want to be more go with the flow but I just cannot. I have done therapy, taken SSRIs for anxiety, I do yoga and exercise, I even meditate. All this stuff helps but it doesn't change my personality. Even when my anxiety is in check, I'm still just more uptight than other people.

Not really asking a question here, just venting. I envy those of you who are just chill and easy going and don't feel like you have to be hyper vigilant about everything all the time. I wish I was not alway working through my anxious feelings (even successfully) and that instead I just... didn't get them. But I'm nearing 50 and I've always been this way. I guess it's just who I am.

Can you give some examples of how this affects those around you? I understand YOU wanting to feel less uptight, and I'm wondering if an answer would both help you and make others less annoyed?

I have a friend who is uptight about some things (but, for example, always late to everything!) so the contrast is what annoys me. She will lecture me for 20 minutes about an item found in my recycling bin that actually shouldn't be in there but she can't show up on time for lunch. If she was uptight about everything honestly I think it would be easier to deal with, but I don't know.

I'm pretty Type A myself, but I don't know which aspects of that would bother people. One thing I can think of is I am a hyper-planner/organizer and I like to get things down and set and I know that annoys some people who would rather just see how things unfold (and then end up hungry because they didn't think ahead of time to get food for the Super Bowl party...). But generally I don't impose my neuroses on others (i.e. I will always put the milk back in the fridge facing forward but I won't get mad if you don't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yesterday I went out to lunch and we changed tables THREE TIMES until I was content. I've never been quite this bad, but still. So, right there with you. Something that helps people not be too annoyed is to make fun of yourself for it and/or make jokes about it. I texted my lunch date later and thanked him for playing a rousing game of musical chairs at lunch with me.

Also, I try to let myself be as uptight as I want with things that only affect me, and then let things slide when they affect others. So my bag is organized EXACTLY how I want it, and I know where everything is. My sock drawer is divided by type of sock. But if I go to a movie with a friend and they want to sit in the middle while I'd rather sit in the back, I sit in the middle. Or if we get a snack and they want to eat at the tables outside and I was thinking we'd eat inside, I just eat outside. Let go of what you can, even if you see the logic in doing it your way.

These two things contradict each other...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow this took off. Lots of thoughts to process.

Different from others posting, I'm not really Type A. I'm not an overachiever, I don't talk a lot, and I'm not controlling of other people. I would never ask to change tables at a restaurant, and if my dining companion did, I would get so stressed out because I worry it's screwing things up for the staff and that they are annoyed with us and that would be my focus for the rest of the meal.

I'm just neurotic and worry about things a lot. This leads to me not being "game" for things because I over think them, and that's what annoys people. Or just my general vibe, because I'm not relaxed and smiling and go with the flow -- I tend to have a more serious expression on my face and don't come off as relaxed (because I am not). People seem to steer clear of me, and I think it's because I seem tightly wound and stressed out a lot.

It bothers me both because I don't enjoy feeling this way and also because I can tell it is off-putting to others. It's just the whole thing. But I've tried hard to change my nature and become more easy going, and this is just who I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this took off. Lots of thoughts to process.

Different from others posting, I'm not really Type A. I'm not an overachiever, I don't talk a lot, and I'm not controlling of other people. I would never ask to change tables at a restaurant, and if my dining companion did, I would get so stressed out because I worry it's screwing things up for the staff and that they are annoyed with us and that would be my focus for the rest of the meal.

I'm just neurotic and worry about things a lot. This leads to me not being "game" for things because I over think them, and that's what annoys people. Or just my general vibe, because I'm not relaxed and smiling and go with the flow -- I tend to have a more serious expression on my face and don't come off as relaxed (because I am not). People seem to steer clear of me, and I think it's because I seem tightly wound and stressed out a lot.

It bothers me both because I don't enjoy feeling this way and also because I can tell it is off-putting to others. It's just the whole thing. But I've tried hard to change my nature and become more easy going, and this is just who I am.

Unfortunately, it probably will only get worse as you age. Most people become more of their most dominant traits the older they get.

Given you saying you are not Type A, do you catastrophize? I am both not chill and a Type A. I have come to learn that I tend to catastrophize AND then ruminate. Both are terrible for my health. And the older I get the less I care about being the person who is good in an emergency and gets things done. I also think when you're older being chill can help deal with aging.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is like this. I don’t know if I would use the term uptight but I get what you’re saying. He’s worked really hard on relaxing a little but he still struggles with it.

He’s been to therapists, tried medication, exercise, yoga, Pilates, etc.

It’s his natural setting. He’s wired that way. But he has managed to take the edges off and that helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yesterday I went out to lunch and we changed tables THREE TIMES until I was content. I've never been quite this bad, but still. So, right there with you. Something that helps people not be too annoyed is to make fun of yourself for it and/or make jokes about it. I texted my lunch date later and thanked him for playing a rousing game of musical chairs at lunch with me.

Also, I try to let myself be as uptight as I want with things that only affect me, and then let things slide when they affect others. So my bag is organized EXACTLY how I want it, and I know where everything is. My sock drawer is divided by type of sock. But if I go to a movie with a friend and they want to sit in the middle while I'd rather sit in the back, I sit in the middle. Or if we get a snack and they want to eat at the tables outside and I was thinking we'd eat inside, I just eat outside. Let go of what you can, even if you see the logic in doing it your way.

This is a choice. It's not who you are - you are CHOOSING to be uptight. And if other people are with you when changing tables, you are affecting others negatively. That's rude, OP. Do you realize that your rudeness is a choice?

Why do you need to be "content" all the time? Do you have control issues, in general?

[Anonymous]

I would categorize myself as uptight, and perimenopause is making me irritable. But, when I read threads like this, I realize I can be chill AF.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1314144.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yesterday I went out to lunch and we changed tables THREE TIMES until I was content. I've never been quite this bad, but still. So, right there with you. Something that helps people not be too annoyed is to make fun of yourself for it and/or make jokes about it. I texted my lunch date later and thanked him for playing a rousing game of musical chairs at lunch with me.

Also, I try to let myself be as uptight as I want with things that only affect me, and then let things slide when they affect others. So my bag is organized EXACTLY how I want it, and I know where everything is. My sock drawer is divided by type of sock. But if I go to a movie with a friend and they want to sit in the middle while I'd rather sit in the back, I sit in the middle. Or if we get a snack and they want to eat at the tables outside and I was thinking we'd eat inside, I just eat outside. Let go of what you can, even if you see the logic in doing it your way.

Isn’t this more like ocd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, yesterday I went out to lunch and we changed tables THREE TIMES until I was content. I've never been quite this bad, but still. So, right there with you. Something that helps people not be too annoyed is to make fun of yourself for it and/or make jokes about it. I texted my lunch date later and thanked him for playing a rousing game of musical chairs at lunch with me.

Also, I try to let myself be as uptight as I want with things that only affect me, and then let things slide when they affect others. So my bag is organized EXACTLY how I want it, and I know where everything is. My sock drawer is divided by type of sock. But if I go to a movie with a friend and they want to sit in the middle while I'd rather sit in the back, I sit in the middle. Or if we get a snack and they want to eat at the tables outside and I was thinking we'd eat inside, I just eat outside. Let go of what you can, even if you see the logic in doing it your way.

This is a choice. It's not who you are - you are CHOOSING to be uptight. And if other people are with you when changing tables, you are affecting others negatively. That's rude, OP. Do you realize that your rudeness is a choice?

Why do you need to be "content" all the time? Do you have control issues, in general?

OP here and that was not me. As I noted earlier, I would never ask to change tables at a restaurant and would be so stressed if I was with someone who insisted on doing it multiple times. I have anxiety issues but I don't think I'm controlling.

I do wish I was more content, but in the sense that I was just more happy with things as they are, not in the sense of wanting to constantly exercise control over my environment until I am satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try edibles.

🙄 Telling people to do drugs. Come on.

Accept yourself OP. Its ok lots of people are the same as you.

I bet all of you type-A people would never miss your morning coffee for anything short of armageddon. Don’t act like drugs (caffeine and alcohol) are not a main part of work culture.