DD meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, we are both REALLY worried

[Anonymous]

Your daughter needs to learn when it’s appropriate to joke, with whom it’s appropriate to joke, and about what it’s appropriate to joke. Going for a laugh is not more important than politeness, tact, and sensitivity. There’s also the factor of “nobody asked for your opinion.” She sounds rude and a bit boorish. And I say this as someone who usually likes to try to make people laugh.

Tell her to err on the side of being quieter at this first meeting. It’s not a vaudeville act, and she’s not auditioning for a role. Tell her to use it as an opportunity to see what the parents are like, and less to show them what she’s like. Also let her know that it’s not the opportunity for a political debate, and if the boyfriend’s parents express views she doesn’t like, she doesn’t need to respond or engage. She will not change their minds, and she will not give them food for thought to reconsider their views. Again, it’s a chance for her to gather intel about what the parents are like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

If the parents are as bad the OP fears, she'll probably be the one doing the dumping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter needs to learn when it’s appropriate to joke, with whom it’s appropriate to joke, and about what it’s appropriate to joke. Going for a laugh is not more important than politeness, tact, and sensitivity. There’s also the factor of “nobody asked for your opinion.” She sounds rude and a bit boorish. And I say this as someone who usually likes to try to make people laugh.

Tell her to err on the side of being quieter at this first meeting. It’s not a vaudeville act, and she’s not auditioning for a role. Tell her to use it as an opportunity to see what the parents are like, and less to show them what she’s like. Also let her know that it’s not the opportunity for a political debate, and if the boyfriend’s parents express views she doesn’t like, she doesn’t need to respond or engage. She will not change their minds, and she will not give them food for thought to reconsider their views. Again, it’s a chance for her to gather intel about what the parents are like.

You can gather much more intelligence if you're an active participant. She should find out just how bad they are. This is the perfect opportunity to bring up women's rights, immigration, healthcare, and income inequality. And then after meeting the parents, she'll figure out if the BF is any better.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is missing a brain. I'm being totally honest here. Not an insult, but truth based on what you wrote.
The meeting will be fun between the brainless.
Why would you leave ASD/ADHD out?
Maybe the meeting would go better if the parents knew this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter needs to learn when it’s appropriate to joke, with whom it’s appropriate to joke, and about what it’s appropriate to joke. Going for a laugh is not more important than politeness, tact, and sensitivity. There’s also the factor of “nobody asked for your opinion.” She sounds rude and a bit boorish. And I say this as someone who usually likes to try to make people laugh.

Tell her to err on the side of being quieter at this first meeting. It’s not a vaudeville act, and she’s not auditioning for a role. Tell her to use it as an opportunity to see what the parents are like, and less to show them what she’s like. Also let her know that it’s not the opportunity for a political debate, and if the boyfriend’s parents express views she doesn’t like, she doesn’t need to respond or engage. She will not change their minds, and she will not give them food for thought to reconsider their views. Again, it’s a chance for her to gather intel about what the parents are like.

You can gather much more intelligence if you're an active participant. She should find out just how bad they are. This is the perfect opportunity to bring up women's rights, immigration, healthcare, and income inequality. And then after meeting the parents, she'll figure out if the BF is any better.

That's not the issue at play. DH's daughter is not the one to "correct" the future in-laws. AT ALL. You libs are always so intolerant - and I'm not MAGA. Listen to yourselves sometimes! Gee, the issue is DD has never learned to control her impulses. Sadly, it's a little late but mom needs to tell her to think twice before blurting stuff out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advise her to be polite, to think before she speaks, and to avoid engaging in arguments or debates about politics, religion, or anything else remotely serious. She should be doing this in most social settings anyway, so now is a great time to start.

I agree with this. This is all you can do. If they don't like her and that becomes the reason they break up, maybe that's a blessing. If her partner likes her and accepts her, that's the most important thing. Also, young relationships don't always last and sometimes it's because of too-disparate of backgrounds. Let it go, hope for the best and support her if it doesn't work out or she missteps. You can be kind in telling her that she ought to temper what she says if she reports this to you later. And maybe all will go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter needs to learn when it’s appropriate to joke, with whom it’s appropriate to joke, and about what it’s appropriate to joke. Going for a laugh is not more important than politeness, tact, and sensitivity. There’s also the factor of “nobody asked for your opinion.” She sounds rude and a bit boorish. And I say this as someone who usually likes to try to make people laugh.

Tell her to err on the side of being quieter at this first meeting. It’s not a vaudeville act, and she’s not auditioning for a role. Tell her to use it as an opportunity to see what the parents are like, and less to show them what she’s like. Also let her know that it’s not the opportunity for a political debate, and if the boyfriend’s parents express views she doesn’t like, she doesn’t need to respond or engage. She will not change their minds, and she will not give them food for thought to reconsider their views. Again, it’s a chance for her to gather intel about what the parents are like.

You can gather much more intelligence if you're an active participant. She should find out just how bad they are. This is the perfect opportunity to bring up women's rights, immigration, healthcare, and income inequality. And then after meeting the parents, she'll figure out if the BF is any better.

That's not the issue at play. DH's daughter is not the one to "correct" the future in-laws. AT ALL. You libs are always so intolerant - and I'm not MAGA. Listen to yourselves sometimes! Gee, the issue is DD has never learned to control her impulses. Sadly, it's a little late but mom needs to tell her to think twice before blurting stuff out.

Why not? This is an opportunity to interview the parents to see if they're the kind of people she would want to be associated with.

I agree she's not not going to fiz them during this visit, but she can determine if they're even salvageable.

I really don't understand your attitude at all. If parents are as bad as the OP seems to imply, it is better for her to find out now so she can cut it off. Especially if the BF doesn't stand up to them. There's no benefit to dragging that out into a second or third visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advise her to be polite, to think before she speaks, and to avoid engaging in arguments or debates about politics, religion, or anything else remotely serious. She should be doing this in most social settings anyway, so now is a great time to start.

Politics and religion both quickly get to issues of values. You don't need to share values with people you interact with superficially at work. But you do need to share values with your partner and, ideally, your partner's family.

It is completely appropriate to find out if the parents value anything besides money and racism.

[Anonymous]

As Mel Robbins would say, “Let them.” This isn’t your issue to deal with. Presumably the BF has seen this side of your daughter and is comfortable introducing her to his parents.

[Anonymous]

There are two separate issues at play here: how to be a polite adult and how to interact with people you don’t know well who may have different opinions from your own. It sounds like your daughter needs to work in both skills!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

If the parents are as bad the OP fears, she'll probably be the one doing the dumping.

Then what is she worried about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As Mel Robbins would say, “Let them.” This isn’t your issue to deal with. Presumably the BF has seen this side of your daughter and is comfortable introducing her to his parents.

Just so you know, Mel Robbins did not come up with that term, but she sure made a lot of money off of using someone else’s idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two separate issues at play here: how to be a polite adult and how to interact with people you don’t know well who may have different opinions from your own. It sounds like your daughter needs to work in both skills!

This isn't small talk with a stranger that she'll never meet again. This is an interview with potential in-laws to determine suitability. Surely you agree that their values are relevant to a long-term relationship, so why not address them right away? What value is there to waiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

If the parents are as bad the OP fears, she'll probably be the one doing the dumping.

Then what is she worried about?

I don't think the OP is a reliable narrator here. She's at least withholding a lot of relevant details.

My guess is that the OP is also MAGA but doesn't want to admit it here.

[Anonymous]

It looks like the boy's parents are rich and conservative..OPs kid is neither and is outspoken...OP wants her to marry this boy.