DD meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, we are both REALLY worried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

This is her first long-term relationship. Doesn't mean it is the last.

[Anonymous]

My mother sounds like your daughter, and she never learned how to quit her behavior and words. She thinks she’s funny by insulting people. It took years for me to unlearn her behavior. I suggest telling her directly to tone down her behavior and watch what she says.

[Anonymous]

People either accept you for who you are, or they don't; people either have chemistry with each other, or they don't. If your daughter tries to fake it for a while, it will spell future disaster, because eventually the "real her" will shine through, and they will make a new judgment and possibly live in misery together forever.

It is better for your daughter to find our now whether or not this is a family she can or wants to fit in with, otherwise she may have an unhappy life. Tell her to be herself, and let the universe order things as it may.

If it isn't meant to be, best to find out now and avoid wasting more time. She's young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

I don't understand why you don't like honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

I don't understand why you don't like honesty.

Don't be obtuse. Everyone likes honesty. But "brutal honesty" is often just cruelty under the guise of "I'm just being honest." Not everything needs to be said out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

I don't understand why you don't like honesty.

Don't be obtuse. Everyone likes honesty. But "brutal honesty" is often just cruelty under the guise of "I'm just being honest." Not everything needs to be said out loud.

+1

If the grandparents are loving people who are not problematic, I don't understand why OP doesn't pull up DD short and let her know that speaking disrespectfully in a way that upsets them is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. This should have happen years ago. Instead, OP figuratively shrugs and casually observes that her daughter "REALLY let's loose" when she's around grandparents. That is such gross behavior, OP. You have done your child no favors in allowing her to grow up this way. It isn't "honesty" to habitually in a way that will hurt or upset old people who love you, it is cruel and really uncouth, and people are going to be judging your daughter (and you, for raising her this way) for a long time to come. You have handicapped her, in a way, with your obtuse lenience, and now she's an adult whose behavior is going to alienate others and burn professional bridges. You really messed up as a parent.

[Anonymous]

DD will have a learning experience.

If she goes on a job interview and says "wow you are SO pregnant you look like you will pop" then that has consequences. It's not "speaking her mind" on an issue, it's rude, crude, self sabotaging.

If she gets a job and says things to get attention she will create a toxic environment and get canned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

I don't understand why you don't like honesty.

Don't be obtuse. Everyone likes honesty. But "brutal honesty" is often just cruelty under the guise of "I'm just being honest." Not everything needs to be said out loud.

You haven't described anything "cruel". Instead you've just said the other parents are conservative. So what you seem to be worried about is that she'll call them out on their shit. That's a good thing. She should do that. Everyone should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

I don't understand why you don't like honesty.

Don't be obtuse. Everyone likes honesty. But "brutal honesty" is often just cruelty under the guise of "I'm just being honest." Not everything needs to be said out loud.

+1

If the grandparents are loving people who are not problematic, I don't understand why OP doesn't pull up DD short and let her know that speaking disrespectfully in a way that upsets them is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. This should have happen years ago. Instead, OP figuratively shrugs and casually observes that her daughter "REALLY let's loose" when she's around grandparents. That is such gross behavior, OP. You have done your child no favors in allowing her to grow up this way. It isn't "honesty" to habitually in a way that will hurt or upset old people who love you, it is cruel and really uncouth, and people are going to be judging your daughter (and you, for raising her this way) for a long time to come. You have handicapped her, in a way, with your obtuse lenience, and now she's an adult whose behavior is going to alienate others and burn professional bridges. You really messed up as a parent.

No, old people don't get to spout hateful, racist, and sexist things just because they haven't had the common decency to die yet. They should get called out in the strongest ways possible and be ostracized by family and friends until they change their ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD will have a learning experience.

If she goes on a job interview and says "wow you are SO pregnant you look like you will pop" then that has consequences. It's not "speaking her mind" on an issue, it's rude, crude, self sabotaging.

If she gets a job and says things to get attention she will create a toxic environment and get canned.

Times are changing, boomer. Your kind isn't doing the interviews anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother sounds like your daughter, and she never learned how to quit her behavior and words. She thinks she’s funny by insulting people. It took years for me to unlearn her behavior. I suggest telling her directly to tone down her behavior and watch what she says.

Likely on the spectrum. I don’t mean that as an insult. But we are learning more and more about the traits and women and your mother seems to fit the profile.

[Anonymous]

Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

[Anonymous]

What? She's an adult.

You don't do anything. Anything you could do should have been done years ago. At this point, she learns her own lessons.

[Anonymous]

This is not speaking her mind, it’s a lack of impulse control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What? She's an adult.

You don't do anything. Anything you could do should have been done years ago. At this point, she learns her own lessons.

+1

Surely this is not a new trait. Why didn’t OP address this when she was young? Too many parents thinking their kids quirks are cute and precious.