DD meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, we are both REALLY worried

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

I'm kind of shocked your parents didn't teach you about still being polite even if you don't respect someone.

I met Dick Cheney once and thanked him for his service in the government. I didn't respect him, but I was taught to be polite in such situations. (And I genuinely meant it- as awful of a human being as he was, I do think he thought he was doing the right thing. His heart was just two sizes too small. Until it was replaced with a machine, at least.)

Being polite is a way of showing respect. You’re subscribing to a very narrow definition of respect that most people don’t. You were being respectful but refuse to call it such.

Again, you're using a different term. "Showing respect" has a different than actually respecting someone. "Showing respect" is basically synonymous with "politeness."

The english language is tough, but you'll get there someday.

Your hair splitting is too much. You’ve painted yourself into a corner here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

You don't know their worth yet.

I'm polite to cats and dogs, too. I wouldn't use the term "respect" to describe my relationship with them. At least, I think that's venturing into a very different notion of "respect."

You cannot be polite to animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

You don't know their worth yet.

I'm polite to cats and dogs, too. I wouldn't use the term "respect" to describe my relationship with them. At least, I think that's venturing into a very different notion of "respect."

You cannot be polite to animals.

Of course you can, monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

I'm kind of shocked your parents didn't teach you about still being polite even if you don't respect someone.

I met Dick Cheney once and thanked him for his service in the government. I didn't respect him, but I was taught to be polite in such situations. (And I genuinely meant it- as awful of a human being as he was, I do think he thought he was doing the right thing. His heart was just two sizes too small. Until it was replaced with a machine, at least.)

Being polite is a way of showing respect. You’re subscribing to a very narrow definition of respect that most people don’t. You were being respectful but refuse to call it such.

Again, you're using a different term. "Showing respect" has a different than actually respecting someone. "Showing respect" is basically synonymous with "politeness."

The english language is tough, but you'll get there someday.

Your hair splitting is too much. You’ve painted yourself into a corner here.

Look it up yourself. They mean different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

I'm kind of shocked your parents didn't teach you about still being polite even if you don't respect someone.

I met Dick Cheney once and thanked him for his service in the government. I didn't respect him, but I was taught to be polite in such situations. (And I genuinely meant it- as awful of a human being as he was, I do think he thought he was doing the right thing. His heart was just two sizes too small. Until it was replaced with a machine, at least.)

Being polite is a way of showing respect. You’re subscribing to a very narrow definition of respect that most people don’t. You were being respectful but refuse to call it such.

Again, you're using a different term. "Showing respect" has a different than actually respecting someone. "Showing respect" is basically synonymous with "politeness."

The english language is tough, but you'll get there someday.

Your hair splitting is too much. You’ve painted yourself into a corner here.

The funny thing is that you went down this pedantic angle hoping to find a gotcha moment, apparently not realizing the difference in meaning. I assumed english wasn't your first language, but maybe I'm wrong on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

I'm kind of shocked your parents didn't teach you about still being polite even if you don't respect someone.

I met Dick Cheney once and thanked him for his service in the government. I didn't respect him, but I was taught to be polite in such situations. (And I genuinely meant it- as awful of a human being as he was, I do think he thought he was doing the right thing. His heart was just two sizes too small. Until it was replaced with a machine, at least.)

Being polite is a way of showing respect. You’re subscribing to a very narrow definition of respect that most people don’t. You were being respectful but refuse to call it such.

Again, you're using a different term. "Showing respect" has a different than actually respecting someone. "Showing respect" is basically synonymous with "politeness."

The english language is tough, but you'll get there someday.

Your hair splitting is too much. You’ve painted yourself into a corner here.

The funny thing is that you went down this pedantic angle hoping to find a gotcha moment, apparently not realizing the difference in meaning. I assumed english wasn't your first language, but maybe I'm wrong on that.

No, it’s you twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid using the word respect to describe how you treat others. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

I'm kind of shocked your parents didn't teach you about still being polite even if you don't respect someone.

I met Dick Cheney once and thanked him for his service in the government. I didn't respect him, but I was taught to be polite in such situations. (And I genuinely meant it- as awful of a human being as he was, I do think he thought he was doing the right thing. His heart was just two sizes too small. Until it was replaced with a machine, at least.)

Being polite is a way of showing respect. You’re subscribing to a very narrow definition of respect that most people don’t. You were being respectful but refuse to call it such.

Again, you're using a different term. "Showing respect" has a different than actually respecting someone. "Showing respect" is basically synonymous with "politeness."

The english language is tough, but you'll get there someday.

Your hair splitting is too much. You’ve painted yourself into a corner here.

The funny thing is that you went down this pedantic angle hoping to find a gotcha moment, apparently not realizing the difference in meaning. I assumed english wasn't your first language, but maybe I'm wrong on that.

Oh, and English is a proper noun. Not your first language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

She is who she is and don't need to pretend to be someone she's not but regardless of that she needs to learn civility and kindness for her own sake. As far as worrying about it, don't because if she values her BF, she would be nice to them and if his parents love their child, they'll be kind to her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

I don't understand why you don't like honesty.

Don't be obtuse. Everyone likes honesty. But "brutal honesty" is often just cruelty under the guise of "I'm just being honest." Not everything needs to be said out loud.

+1

If the grandparents are loving people who are not problematic, I don't understand why OP doesn't pull up DD short and let her know that speaking disrespectfully in a way that upsets them is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. This should have happen years ago. Instead, OP figuratively shrugs and casually observes that her daughter "REALLY let's loose" when she's around grandparents. That is such gross behavior, OP. You have done your child no favors in allowing her to grow up this way. It isn't "honesty" to habitually in a way that will hurt or upset old people who love you, it is cruel and really uncouth, and people are going to be judging your daughter (and you, for raising her this way) for a long time to come. You have handicapped her, in a way, with your obtuse lenience, and now she's an adult whose behavior is going to alienate others and burn professional bridges. You really messed up as a parent.

No, old people don't get to spout hateful, racist, and sexist things just because they haven't had the common decency to die yet. They should get called out in the strongest ways possible and be ostracized by family and friends until they change their ways.

How are you planning to develop such common decency to die early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact the OP is expressing their concern about "uninhibited" remarks in the context of conservative parents is a huge red flag. And then basically doubles down by suggesting that old people don't need to earn respect. These days, old people are more likely to be awful human beings than young people. You should be appropriately polite for the circumstance, but respect only comes after it's earned.

Respect should be a starting point not an end point.

Disagree. Respect is meaningless if it comes for free. You need to earn it- whether you're 10, 22, or 60.

No. This is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized. You probably freak out for being 'disrespected' if someone bumps into you on the sidewalk. That's not civilized behavior.

You might confusing respect with politeness. You should be polite, yes. But respect should be earned.

Still nope. That is not advice that will get you far in life.

And following your advice is how we ended up with Trump.

I'm much more comfortable with my approach. Old people should be viewed with suspicion until they demonstrate they're not awful.

At least you’re making it pretty clear that you are awful with your quick judgment of people because of their age.

The OP started that with the unsupported claim that elders should be automatically respected because of their age.

If you're going to call out an age group for respect, the elderly certainly shouldn't be it. The same goes for the 50-65 age group.

This is bizarre. When you meet the parents of a friend or boyfriend or a neighbor or acquaintance or really anyone, the default should be generally being polite and not spilling your knee jerk unsolicited unprovoked reactions and opinions about everything. That is just normal. It’s a baseline level of respect. Now if that other person is expressing unsolicited opinions that are problematic then it’s a different situation and you can speak up.

Politeness is not the same thing as respect. Are you trying to use them as synonyms?

Meeting the parents of a serious significant other is unique. It isn't purely social. For the relationship to work, you need to have compatible values. You're not going to be able to determine that without getting into subjects that would be considered impolite with other groups of people.

Also, given that the Op brought up conservatism, the Op seems to think the parents might venture into these topics. Nonetheless, even if they don't, it is entirely appropriate for the daughter to bring them up to determine the suitability of the parents to continue the relationship.

Explain how you teach your children to be polite but not respectful. What is the deep difference that even children can understand that respect can only be earned?

Politeness is about following social conventions. Respect is about recognizing another person’s inherent worth and competence.

They're not the same thing. At all. But now your previous posts make more sense after you explained you didn't know the difference.

Why treat someone you don’t respect with politeness? They are worthless right?

You don't know their worth yet.

I'm polite to cats and dogs, too. I wouldn't use the term "respect" to describe my relationship with them. At least, I think that's venturing into a very different notion of "respect."

You cannot be polite to animals.

Of course you can, monster.

Idk what sort of argument you two are having but you can't be polite to animals, you can only be kind to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

Is she dating the parents? Or the adult son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

Is she dating the parents? Or the adult son?

You tell us. She is worried about meeting them. Why does she care? She should just let it all hang out and let the chips fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her run her mouth and get dumped. The only way to learn is the hard way.

Is she dating the parents? Or the adult son?

You tell us. She is worried about meeting them. Why does she care? She should just let it all hang out and let the chips fall.

You're right. It doesn't make any sense. Which suggests the OP is actually sensitive about something else.

[Anonymous]

Way to derail someone's request for advice and comfort! OP seems concerned about her DD loving this guy but unintentionally messing up her first impression due to lack of social skills and awkward demeanor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to derail someone's request for advice and comfort! OP seems concerned about her DD loving this guy but unintentionally messing up her first impression due to lack of social skills and awkward demeanor.

You're right. OP is just worried about unloading her oaf of a daughter. OP either failed or the DD was completely resistant to learning any sort of social grace.