DD meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, we are both REALLY worried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

You don't stop it now. Whatever happens, happens and that includes meeting a boyfriend's parents, interviewing for a job, etc. She will have to learn to deal with any consequences for her "uninhibited" behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should be herself. If they're too deep into MAGA, then the relationship isn't going to work. Better to find out now.

She never said MAGA. Just stop

"Pretty conservative on some matters" means MAGA. Don't be naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter is a rude loudmouth with no filter or sense of decorum? Maybe you should have addressed this before age 22.

yeah, this is something you should have addressed throughout her life

+1. How is she going to function IRL? Hold down a job? Why can’t she button it and exhibit judgment for three hours?

Why would you want to withhold judgment from potential in-laws? If they're bad people, she should know. And then she and her BF can decide if they'll split or if he'll split from them.

Being MAGA has consequences. For you and for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

I think you mean that you are afraid they won't find her endearing. And you are right. She doesn't sound endearing: she sounds immature and crude. Your daughter isn't a very kind or likable young woman, is she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

I think you mean that you are afraid they won't find her endearing. And you are right. She doesn't sound endearing: she sounds immature and crude. Your daughter isn't a very kind or likable young woman, is she?

Crude? Not sure where you're getting that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

I think you mean that you are afraid they won't find her endearing. And you are right. She doesn't sound endearing: she sounds immature and crude. Your daughter isn't a very kind or likable young woman, is she?

Crude? Not sure where you're getting that one.

You think that "crude" means only distasteful comments with a sexual connotation. You are wrong.

crude: lacking taste, tact, or refinement; vulgar (dictionary.com)

A crude person is someone who is rude, vulgar, offensive, or lacking in refinement, tact, and good taste, often making blunt, unsophisticated, or sexually inappropriate comments or behaving in an unpolished way, showing little concern for others' feelings. They are rough, unrefined, and sometimes primitive in their speech or action (AI)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

OP, your post doesn't seem to indicate that you disapprove of your daughter's disrespectful and annoying behavior, or that you have tried to address this with your daughter, only that you are "REALLY worried" about how her boyfriend's parents will react to her rudeness because you...just accept that this is how she is? Have you EVER tried to address this behavior? This is the kind of behavior that would have started when she was young: were you the parent defending her to teachers and refusing to accept that she was rude/offputting? Because at this point, other people in life are going to be doling out the consequences, and there's nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

I think you mean that you are afraid they won't find her endearing. And you are right. She doesn't sound endearing: she sounds immature and crude. Your daughter isn't a very kind or likable young woman, is she?

Crude? Not sure where you're getting that one.

You think that "crude" means only distasteful comments with a sexual connotation. You are wrong.

crude: lacking taste, tact, or refinement; vulgar (dictionary.com)

A crude person is someone who is rude, vulgar, offensive, or lacking in refinement, tact, and good taste, often making blunt, unsophisticated, or sexually inappropriate comments or behaving in an unpolished way, showing little concern for others' feelings. They are rough, unrefined, and sometimes primitive in their speech or action (AI)

Still not seeing crude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am more concerned by your daughter’s cruelty to those around her. There’s a time and place for brutal honesty, and a first impression with her person’s parents is certainly not it. Tell her to do better, and caution her to exercise restraint. Here’s a fun exercise. If DD would say it to her grandparents, then by all means encourage her to belt it out. If not, clam up.

OP here. You make some good points, I have tried to encourage her to avoid brutal honesty and unkind language but as parents we can only do so much, right? As for the grandparents: I would love that idea except I don’t think it be helpful in this particular situation because when she’s around her grandparents let’s just say she REALLY lets looose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 22 is in her first serious, long-term committed relationship. She is going to meet her boyfriend’s folks for the first time in a week. She is worried because she knows them to be pretty conservative on some matters. I personally am more worried because my daughter is REALLY uninhibited, even around people who are older or who she should respect. She’ll say anything for a laugh or a reaction. Once she announced to her friend’s mother that the mother was “never not pregnant”. Another time she laughingly told a new neighbor that she was “so insane”. I’m scared that she’ll really dial up the rudeness and loudmouthedness with the parents and they won’t be endeared to her. How do I stop this from being an issue?

Why does this cause YOU fear and anxiety? So what if she does this.

[Anonymous]

Well, if she says something to the parents that negatively impacts her relationship with her serious boyfriend, that would be a good lesson for her about modulating herself around people who don’t appreciate her “brutal honesty and unkind language”.

There’s a time and place for everything, she needs to learn that lesson at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should be herself. If they're too deep into MAGA, then the relationship isn't going to work. Better to find out now.

She never said MAGA. Just stop

"Pretty conservative on some matters" means MAGA. Don't be naive.

I didn’t read it like that.

Your daughter has ADHD and/or autism, it seems like, OP. You remind her to be polite and not blurt out stuff, to think twice before she opens her mouth.

My autistic teen has gotten much better at watching her speech. There’s hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should be herself. If they're too deep into MAGA, then the relationship isn't going to work. Better to find out now.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Advise her to be polite, to think before she speaks, and to avoid engaging in arguments or debates about politics, religion, or anything else remotely serious. She should be doing this in most social settings anyway, so now is a great time to start.

[Anonymous]

OP your daughter is an adult 22 is an adult.

She is who she is.

Personally I would be proud if my daughter always spoke her mind especially around conservative who have no brain cells and are judgemental bless your heart types.