Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like he has asked for your help, though. So I’m confused.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

That’s because your ex asked for that. It doesn’t make it true. It’s still just a bully calling people names.

- lawyer

Ok, thank you. My attorney said as much but I’m not in law and so when I see an email from an attorney that who’s actively litigating against me accusing me of all sorts of things it’s intimidating and very scary. Which I guess was the point.

Read up on post-separation abuse, because your STBX will attempt to use basically everything he can to continue to try and maintain control over you and the kids, and in some unfortunate ways the system is set up to allow it. Here's an example of some types of things that might happen:

https://www.ncdsv.org/uploads/1/4/2/2/142238266/2018-ncdsv-sh-postseparationpower-controlwheel-colorkey.pdf

[Anonymous]

OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

Sounds to me like it's the ex-DH who is using it as an excuse. If he has visitation rights, he can exercise them and make the kids come. The OP would have no standing to prevent that and he has many options for figuring out sleeping arrangements or a hotel. I bet if he had to arrange sleeping arrangements for some business event or a sports event with his buddies, he would figure it out quickly.

Taking him to pottery barn and explaining to him what to do is not her job anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STBX rented a big nice house. It has enough rooms for the kids to each have their own. But he hasn’t done anything to the rooms so they don’t stay over there.

He does not have a positive relationship with them. For their privacy, I’ll just say they’re in therapy for stuff he did before he moved out and that he has not attempted to address or repair.

My attorney insists I need to stay out of things, but does anyone else think I need to be proactive and send over stuff or prompt him to set up spaces for them? I don’t want to make things easier for him after how he’s acted, but I also don’t want to get in trouble for not being proactive or cooperative.

For what it’s worth, he makes 6-8x my salary and this is not a money or cash flow issue as far as I can tell.

Can I just say that I doubt that the reason your kids don't want to stay is because of how the rooms are decorated.

He did things that led to them needing therapy, and has made no effort to repair the relationship. That's why they don't want to visit.

It's possible that the kids are using the room as a reason, because it feels safer to say "We don't like our bedrooms" than "We don't like our Dad."

It's possible that dad is saying "I don't have rooms that are set up, so they can't come." because it sounds better than "I don't like parenting."

It's also possible that the kids see his failure to set up the rooms as a symbol of his failure to parent them. You setting the rooms up won't fix that either.

But I can pretty much guarantee that if they had warm relationships with Dad, and activities they enjoyed together to look forward to, they'd be more comfortable going.

Which is to say that the situation sucks, and I'm sorry you're in it, but fixing the rooms isn't the solution, because the rooms aren't really the problem.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

It is not OPs job to decorate her ex husbands home. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

Someone can be married, divide and conquer with their spouse, and not know these things and be a great parent.

But once you're divorced, if you have custody, it's your responsibility to know these things. You don't get to "divide and conquer" with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STBX rented a big nice house. It has enough rooms for the kids to each have their own. But he hasn’t done anything to the rooms so they don’t stay over there.

He does not have a positive relationship with them. For their privacy, I’ll just say they’re in therapy for stuff he did before he moved out and that he has not attempted to address or repair.

My attorney insists I need to stay out of things, but does anyone else think I need to be proactive and send over stuff or prompt him to set up spaces for them? I don’t want to make things easier for him after how he’s acted, but I also don’t want to get in trouble for not being proactive or cooperative.

For what it’s worth, he makes 6-8x my salary and this is not a money or cash flow issue as far as I can tell.

Can I just say that I doubt that the reason your kids don't want to stay is because of how the rooms are decorated.

He did things that led to them needing therapy, and has made no effort to repair the relationship. That's why they don't want to visit.

It's possible that the kids are using the room as a reason, because it feels safer to say "We don't like our bedrooms" than "We don't like our Dad."

It's possible that dad is saying "I don't have rooms that are set up, so they can't come." because it sounds better than "I don't like parenting."

It's also possible that the kids see his failure to set up the rooms as a symbol of his failure to parent them. You setting the rooms up won't fix that either.

But I can pretty much guarantee that if they had warm relationships with Dad, and activities they enjoyed together to look forward to, they'd be more comfortable going.

Which is to say that the situation sucks, and I'm sorry you're in it, but fixing the rooms isn't the solution, because the rooms aren't really the problem.

Or, mom is setting up all kinds of obstacles and using a therapist to back her to block all contact. This entire situation including from mom is very unhealthy. Without her support they will always refuse contact with him to please her. The rooms are not the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex suddenly left me last fall, buying a house four days later. He hired my friend to furnish it for him. She picked the designs, received all the furniture deliveries, etc. He still managed to get the wrong things for our daughters, or forgot to place their orders, and I fielded many complaints about the process of setting up their rooms in his house.

Your ex can hire someone too, if this task if beyond him. You are NOT expected to set up your kids' rooms in your ex's house.

I overfunctioned for my spouse, and kept my kids from feeling the effects of his immaturity and unreliability. My 13 year old just said, "I never noticed Daddy was like this before." But you know what? I was being codependent. I was trying to control my environment and keep us all safe, but his inability to adult is beyond my control. And it's OK if he lets down our kids. They will learn how to manage. They have my emotional support and guidance.

Just ignore his lawyer. I know it's hard, when a professional person is claiming you are hostile and uncooperative. But unless you're slashing his tires and refusing to answer when he tries to pick up the kids, he has nothing to back it up with. Tone and mood are not the concern of the court. You live over here in reality, where a father is failing to make his home hospitable for his own kids.

The two were probably having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Are you new to the Internet. NP is New Poster, not OP who is the Original Poster. You are accusing OP of something that NP said. And you are a problem. The Ex needs to set up the rooms for his children. Period. "Mom" can't come in and save the Ex's a$$ when he can't be troubled to deal with his NEW job. Raising his children part of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

[Anonymous]

Yeah OP, you're in the clear. I'm the PP who mentioned my friend decorating my ex's place.

It's a process to detach and stop overfunctioning. I've been on this journey for a year and a half and I've only really truly dropped the rope recently. I mean, I stopped doing all the practical things for him right away, but I kept feeling like I should step in and make things better for my kids. What if I just gave him some little tips? Sent him a few links? Reminded him? I'm finally getting to the point where I really don't care if he can't figure obvious things out, or if he blames me or the kids for his natural consequences. He's a grown man. He's choosing not to learn how to buy groceries. He's choosing not to look at the calendar.

Men like this usually find another woman as quickly as possible to pick up the slack for them. My kids are very upset that their dad passive-aggressively complained about them not filling his stocking . . . he never asked them to, of course, so how were they supposed to guess he wanted them to? (I've always filled my own, since he used weaponized incompetence to get out of it.) He said this in front of his affair partner-turned-girlfriend . . . 100 to 1 she fills his stocking next year.

When I told my mother this story, she said, "Oh dear. Should I have filled his stocking?" So we can see where I learned my codependence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.