Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother got divorced, he needed to set up a whole rental house and “house stuff” is not his thing at all. Our family helped a lot - it is a lot of work and takes a certain level of knowledge and skill. You have to make 1003 decisions. But he very much wanted the kid spaces especially to be set up for them to be comfortable and feel at home and he knew he needed to ask for help.

It’s not just a money thing. An expensive dresser that is the wrong size is much worse than an ikea one that fits. Hanging pictures, painting, the right size rug - all that stuff is not intuitive to everyone. Having extra mattress pads. Hooks in the right places. The kind of towels and shampoo the kids are used to. All that sort of thing.

lol. What woman would ever say “house stuff” was not her thing and that she could not set up a space for her own children without extensive assistance?

Op kept everything….

OP did not “keep” anything. Her ex moved out and the property division is still in progress. Her ex will get his fair share of their property eventually. In the meantime it is his responsibility to set up a household for his kids. This is just one of the consequences of divorce. If you are suggesting that she simply pack up half the furniture and send it to his house - that’s really a bad idea.

If he’s waiting for his share, then that includes half the kids stuff and furniture.

He’ll get reimbursed for what he buys now, effectively. If you are arguing that nobody can set up space for their kids until the divorce is final and property distributed, that is rather surprising. Divorce does cause financial difficulties but people who actually want custody figure out a way to set the space up for their kids.

He's not going to get reinbursed. Be real. Between child support, allimony often there is very little left to do those things.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother got divorced, he needed to set up a whole rental house and “house stuff” is not his thing at all. Our family helped a lot - it is a lot of work and takes a certain level of knowledge and skill. You have to make 1003 decisions. But he very much wanted the kid spaces especially to be set up for them to be comfortable and feel at home and he knew he needed to ask for help.

It’s not just a money thing. An expensive dresser that is the wrong size is much worse than an ikea one that fits. Hanging pictures, painting, the right size rug - all that stuff is not intuitive to everyone. Having extra mattress pads. Hooks in the right places. The kind of towels and shampoo the kids are used to. All that sort of thing.

lol. What woman would ever say “house stuff” was not her thing and that she could not set up a space for her own children without extensive assistance?

Op kept everything….

OP did not “keep” anything. Her ex moved out and the property division is still in progress. Her ex will get his fair share of their property eventually. In the meantime it is his responsibility to set up a household for his kids. This is just one of the consequences of divorce. If you are suggesting that she simply pack up half the furniture and send it to his house - that’s really a bad idea.

If he’s waiting for his share, then that includes half the kids stuff and furniture.

He’ll get reimbursed for what he buys now, effectively. If you are arguing that nobody can set up space for their kids until the divorce is final and property distributed, that is rather surprising. Divorce does cause financial difficulties but people who actually want custody figure out a way to set the space up for their kids.

He's not going to get reinbursed. Be real. Between child support, allimony often there is very little left to do those things.

OP said at the beginning that money is not an issue, so although that explanation might make sense in some circumstances it doesn’t seem to apply here. Perplexing behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother got divorced, he needed to set up a whole rental house and “house stuff” is not his thing at all. Our family helped a lot - it is a lot of work and takes a certain level of knowledge and skill. You have to make 1003 decisions. But he very much wanted the kid spaces especially to be set up for them to be comfortable and feel at home and he knew he needed to ask for help.

It’s not just a money thing. An expensive dresser that is the wrong size is much worse than an ikea one that fits. Hanging pictures, painting, the right size rug - all that stuff is not intuitive to everyone. Having extra mattress pads. Hooks in the right places. The kind of towels and shampoo the kids are used to. All that sort of thing.

lol. What woman would ever say “house stuff” was not her thing and that she could not set up a space for her own children without extensive assistance?

Op kept everything….

OP did not “keep” anything. Her ex moved out and the property division is still in progress. Her ex will get his fair share of their property eventually. In the meantime it is his responsibility to set up a household for his kids. This is just one of the consequences of divorce. If you are suggesting that she simply pack up half the furniture and send it to his house - that’s really a bad idea.

If he’s waiting for his share, then that includes half the kids stuff and furniture.

He’ll get reimbursed for what he buys now, effectively. If you are arguing that nobody can set up space for their kids until the divorce is final and property distributed, that is rather surprising. Divorce does cause financial difficulties but people who actually want custody figure out a way to set the space up for their kids.

He's not going to get reinbursed. Be real. Between child support, allimony often there is very little left to do those things.

The value of the furniture will be split between them. So he will get his share even if it is offset by other obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

There is a lot more to this story and dad should get half of the furnishings. Op took everything. Maybe he’s waiting to see if he has overnights. She’s determined he’s not and does not now so why would he and get the kids excited about rooms they will never use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother got divorced, he needed to set up a whole rental house and “house stuff” is not his thing at all. Our family helped a lot - it is a lot of work and takes a certain level of knowledge and skill. You have to make 1003 decisions. But he very much wanted the kid spaces especially to be set up for them to be comfortable and feel at home and he knew he needed to ask for help.

It’s not just a money thing. An expensive dresser that is the wrong size is much worse than an ikea one that fits. Hanging pictures, painting, the right size rug - all that stuff is not intuitive to everyone. Having extra mattress pads. Hooks in the right places. The kind of towels and shampoo the kids are used to. All that sort of thing.

lol. What woman would ever say “house stuff” was not her thing and that she could not set up a space for her own children without extensive assistance?

Op kept everything….

OP did not “keep” anything. Her ex moved out and the property division is still in progress. Her ex will get his fair share of their property eventually. In the meantime it is his responsibility to set up a household for his kids. This is just one of the consequences of divorce. If you are suggesting that she simply pack up half the furniture and send it to his house - that’s really a bad idea.

If he’s waiting for his share, then that includes half the kids stuff and furniture.

He’ll get reimbursed for what he buys now, effectively. If you are arguing that nobody can set up space for their kids until the divorce is final and property distributed, that is rather surprising. Divorce does cause financial difficulties but people who actually want custody figure out a way to set the space up for their kids.

He's not going to get reinbursed. Be real. Between child support, allimony often there is very little left to do those things.

The value of the furniture will be split between them. So he will get his share even if it is offset by other obligations.

No, that’s not how it works. And, maybe he cannot afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother got divorced, he needed to set up a whole rental house and “house stuff” is not his thing at all. Our family helped a lot - it is a lot of work and takes a certain level of knowledge and skill. You have to make 1003 decisions. But he very much wanted the kid spaces especially to be set up for them to be comfortable and feel at home and he knew he needed to ask for help.

It’s not just a money thing. An expensive dresser that is the wrong size is much worse than an ikea one that fits. Hanging pictures, painting, the right size rug - all that stuff is not intuitive to everyone. Having extra mattress pads. Hooks in the right places. The kind of towels and shampoo the kids are used to. All that sort of thing.

lol. What woman would ever say “house stuff” was not her thing and that she could not set up a space for her own children without extensive assistance?

Op kept everything….

OP did not “keep” anything. Her ex moved out and the property division is still in progress. Her ex will get his fair share of their property eventually. In the meantime it is his responsibility to set up a household for his kids. This is just one of the consequences of divorce. If you are suggesting that she simply pack up half the furniture and send it to his house - that’s really a bad idea.

If he’s waiting for his share, then that includes half the kids stuff and furniture.

He’ll get reimbursed for what he buys now, effectively. If you are arguing that nobody can set up space for their kids until the divorce is final and property distributed, that is rather surprising. Divorce does cause financial difficulties but people who actually want custody figure out a way to set the space up for their kids.

He's not going to get reinbursed. Be real. Between child support, allimony often there is very little left to do those things.

OP said at the beginning that money is not an issue, so although that explanation might make sense in some circumstances it doesn’t seem to apply here. Perplexing behavior.

That’s what she says but it may be and she got everything and he’s starting from scratch, new home, new furnishings, child support, alimony, attorney….those things add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother got divorced, he needed to set up a whole rental house and “house stuff” is not his thing at all. Our family helped a lot - it is a lot of work and takes a certain level of knowledge and skill. You have to make 1003 decisions. But he very much wanted the kid spaces especially to be set up for them to be comfortable and feel at home and he knew he needed to ask for help.

It’s not just a money thing. An expensive dresser that is the wrong size is much worse than an ikea one that fits. Hanging pictures, painting, the right size rug - all that stuff is not intuitive to everyone. Having extra mattress pads. Hooks in the right places. The kind of towels and shampoo the kids are used to. All that sort of thing.

lol. What woman would ever say “house stuff” was not her thing and that she could not set up a space for her own children without extensive assistance?

Op kept everything….

OP did not “keep” anything. Her ex moved out and the property division is still in progress. Her ex will get his fair share of their property eventually. In the meantime it is his responsibility to set up a household for his kids. This is just one of the consequences of divorce. If you are suggesting that she simply pack up half the furniture and send it to his house - that’s really a bad idea.

If he’s waiting for his share, then that includes half the kids stuff and furniture.

He’ll get reimbursed for what he buys now, effectively. If you are arguing that nobody can set up space for their kids until the divorce is final and property distributed, that is rather surprising. Divorce does cause financial difficulties but people who actually want custody figure out a way to set the space up for their kids.

He's not going to get reinbursed. Be real. Between child support, allimony often there is very little left to do those things.

The value of the furniture will be split between them. So he will get his share even if it is offset by other obligations.

No, that’s not how it works. And, maybe he cannot afford it.

Yes it is how it works. And stop making sh*t up - OP already established that money is not the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STBX rented a big nice house. It has enough rooms for the kids to each have their own. But he hasn’t done anything to the rooms so they don’t stay over there.

He does not have a positive relationship with them. For their privacy, I’ll just say they’re in therapy for stuff he did before he moved out and that he has not attempted to address or repair.

My attorney insists I need to stay out of things, but does anyone else think I need to be proactive and send over stuff or prompt him to set up spaces for them? I don’t want to make things easier for him after how he’s acted, but I also don’t want to get in trouble for not being proactive or cooperative.

For what it’s worth, he makes 6-8x my salary and this is not a money or cash flow issue as far as I can tell.

Haven’t read other posts and just bc someone expects it doesn’t mean you must comply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

There is a lot more to this story and dad should get half of the furnishings. Op took everything. Maybe he’s waiting to see if he has overnights. She’s determined he’s not and does not now so why would he and get the kids excited about rooms they will never use.

You are being willfully ignorant to villainize the OP.
He's had the option of overnights for 6 months. But children need beds to sleep in. They do not. They do not even know which of the empty rooms is supposed to be theirs.

You are either a really awful parent like the DH, or you just really hate women and want to piss on the OP. Either way, your version of reality isn't accurate, so it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

Stop sock puppeting.
He's not being restricted - please read the posts you're replying to. If he wanted to see his kids, he would have cared enough to buy the children a bed so they could stay with him. He's had months. It's time for him to be a parent, but he doesn't want to. And that's no longer OPs responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

These are the men who cry over family courts not being fair, 50/50 should be standard etc etc. But then they don't even want to see their kids? Like, bro. It takes 30m to order a full bedroom set from ikea. He's had months. He is enjoying being a bachelor without parental responsibilities, but still wants to look like the dutiful dad.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

We don’t know anything except she’s complaining about the kids rooms but refused to let the kids have anything for his home. He doesn’t need to give them rooms if they are only there a few hours and no overnights.