Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

These are the men who cry over family courts not being fair, 50/50 should be standard etc etc. But then they don't even want to see their kids? Like, bro. It takes 30m to order a full bedroom set from ikea. He's had months. He is enjoying being a bachelor without parental responsibilities, but still wants to look like the dutiful dad.

We don’t know the full story. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience but not all men are like that. If he has no overnights they don’t need beds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

There is a lot more to this story and dad should get half of the furnishings. Op took everything. Maybe he’s waiting to see if he has overnights. She’s determined he’s not and does not now so why would he and get the kids excited about rooms they will never use.

It doesn’t sound like “she got everything.” It sounds like he moved out, chose not to take anything, and this is an active divorce proceeding in which no one has been “given” anything yet.

Nothing is stopping this man from saying “please can I have a few sets of cute sheets and will you have the kids bring over some of their craft supplies and games so I can set up stuff for them to do.” Except his own ego and shortsightedness, apparently.

He’s a fool to wait to set up a house until he sees how custody will shake out.

It’s not on the kids to “get excited about which rooms they will use.” The excuses people are willing to make for this anonymous male stranger are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

These are the men who cry over family courts not being fair, 50/50 should be standard etc etc. But then they don't even want to see their kids? Like, bro. It takes 30m to order a full bedroom set from ikea. He's had months. He is enjoying being a bachelor without parental responsibilities, but still wants to look like the dutiful dad.

We don’t know the full story. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience but not all men are like that. If he has no overnights they don’t need beds.

If he doesn’t set up rooms for them he’s not going to get overnights. Fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

We don’t know anything except she’s complaining about the kids rooms but refused to let the kids have anything for his home. He doesn’t need to give them rooms if they are only there a few hours and no overnights.

I don’t want to go all the way back in this thread to find the quote but I’m pretty sure he declined stuff that the mom offered when he first moved out. Or was that another thread? Regardless, I didn’t see a post where the OP said she was refusing to give him stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

We don’t know anything except she’s complaining about the kids rooms but refused to let the kids have anything for his home. He doesn’t need to give them rooms if they are only there a few hours and no overnights.

I don’t want to go all the way back in this thread to find the quote but I’m pretty sure he declined stuff that the mom offered when he first moved out. Or was that another thread? Regardless, I didn’t see a post where the OP said she was refusing to give him stuff.

The point of the thread is to complain he has nothing at the house and he got nothing in the divorce so he had to replace it all which is silly as she’s fighting him to block visits and overnights. Why set up rooms for kids not allow to visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

These are the men who cry over family courts not being fair, 50/50 should be standard etc etc. But then they don't even want to see their kids? Like, bro. It takes 30m to order a full bedroom set from ikea. He's had months. He is enjoying being a bachelor without parental responsibilities, but still wants to look like the dutiful dad.

We don’t know the full story. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience but not all men are like that. If he has no overnights they don’t need beds.

If he doesn’t set up rooms for them he’s not going to get overnights. Fool.

Why the name calling? He can set it up if he gets overnights but op is doing everything in her power to make sure he doesn’t have any visits so it’s silly to set up rooms and cruel to the kids to have rooms they cannot sleep in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

There is a lot more to this story and dad should get half of the furnishings. Op took everything. Maybe he’s waiting to see if he has overnights. She’s determined he’s not and does not now so why would he and get the kids excited about rooms they will never use.

It doesn’t sound like “she got everything.” It sounds like he moved out, chose not to take anything, and this is an active divorce proceeding in which no one has been “given” anything yet.

Nothing is stopping this man from saying “please can I have a few sets of cute sheets and will you have the kids bring over some of their craft supplies and games so I can set up stuff for them to do.” Except his own ego and shortsightedness, apparently.

He’s a fool to wait to set up a house until he sees how custody will shake out.

It’s not on the kids to “get excited about which rooms they will use.” The excuses people are willing to make for this anonymous male stranger are insane.

She’s been clear that she’s not helping or allowing any of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

We don’t know anything except she’s complaining about the kids rooms but refused to let the kids have anything for his home. He doesn’t need to give them rooms if they are only there a few hours and no overnights.

Ah yes, the gold standard of parenting. So you admit that he's the one stopping the overnights? Because if he had beds they could easily have overnights... but he's delaying buying them beds so they can't have overnights...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

We don’t know anything except she’s complaining about the kids rooms but refused to let the kids have anything for his home. He doesn’t need to give them rooms if they are only there a few hours and no overnights.

I don’t want to go all the way back in this thread to find the quote but I’m pretty sure he declined stuff that the mom offered when he first moved out. Or was that another thread? Regardless, I didn’t see a post where the OP said she was refusing to give him stuff.

The point of the thread is to complain he has nothing at the house and he got nothing in the divorce so he had to replace it all which is silly as she’s fighting him to block visits and overnights. Why set up rooms for kids not allow to visit?

Why do you keep saying this? Are you on drugs and hallucinating? Because that is not what OP said in any post. You've completely made it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

Yes, this is exactly the point - but not in the way that you think, PP. Part of divorce, is being a role model for your children about setting healthy boundaries. My exH never took physical custody of our kids even though he was offered 50/50. He did have them for visitation, but never bought housing with separate bedrooms for them even though he could afford it, and never even bought them beds for any room in his house. He chose to send them the message that he didn't want to make an effort for them and as a result they did not spend a lot of time there.

It was really important that I show them that it was OK to set boundaries, by modeling that in my own behavior. No, after divorce, it was absolutely not my job to encourage or make him take custody or get them beds. But, I did get them a therapist with whom they could discuss their feelings about this and who could help them express their needs directly to him. I wanted to teach my daughter that no spouse or partner has a right to her labor, and that it is OK to say "no" to unreasonable demands, especially for things that people can do for themselves. And, I definitely didn't want to teach my son that he had a right to use someone else like his dad seemed to feel free to use me. I was always very polite to their dad, but not a pushover. Now they are grown-ups and TBH, I think they feel like I was too nice to their dad. Out of their own direct experiences with him they came to see him as an unreliable guy who wasn't able to care for them properly and never really had their best interests at heart. That's sad, but it's not something I can fix or control, and the amount of effort I would have put in (and did put in when we were together) to help him and cover for him so he could look like a great dad was effort that would have been better invested in myself and my relationship with my kids.

OP should grey or yellow rock her DH and engage in parallel parenting. If he has been abusive in any way, she can have all communication go through attorneys and any parental coordination can be done in writing through third party apps. She should focus on herself and her relationship with the kids and let her husband focus on himself and his relationship with the kids. Be cordial if you must be together for family or school events, but it's OK to keep it brief and polite.

We aren’t talking about your ex and sometimes you have to do things for the kids sake and take the high road. Marriage and coparenting are a partnership.

Marriage and coparenting may be a partnership, but divorce is not. Divorce is by definition about ending the partnership. Divorce is about drawing boundaries for the sake of your own health and safety and that of your kids. Divorce is about each party becoming independent and responsible for his/her 50% of a child’s care and 100% responsible for his/her own relationship with the kids.

Yes, often you have to do things for the kid’s sake. Propping up a Potemkin parent isn’t a service to the child: it’s a service to the spouse who can’t or won’t parent. Better to let them figure it out and succeed or fail on their own. Rescuing is infantilizing.

Coparenting is a form of partnership and you do it for your kids best interests. You probably set him up to fail and refuse to let him see the kids and find all kinds of excuses why. It’s not about the kids for you, it’s about you. You cannot have a relationship as a noncustodial parent if the other parent refuses or sabotages you.

Your agenda is weird and obvious. You could continue your argument into eternity that OP should assume every parenting duty in both her house and her ex's "for the sake of the kids", and vilify her if she didn't. But a ex who requests custody has to parent, actively, that means everything from buying furniture to doing pickup after basketball practice. And no, he doesn't get to keep custody, offload it onto her, and then have you come on here accusing her of not putting the kids first. It's such an old, sexist argument.

Op should give him half the kids stuff and replace it. Why is he the only one? Why can’t she?

Actually in my state and I assume many others, kids’ stuff apart from furniture is not considered marital property to be divided and it’s a legal gray area. But regardless of that fact, if there isn’t a final settlement he cannot legally take property out of the marital home without temporary orders. He could ask for it and she could agree, but it sounds like he has had many months to do so and has not. He could also file for temporary orders to get whatever furniture or furnishings he wants if she was reluctant to provide them. Unfortunately there are no magical legal orders that can force him to take stuff or furnish space for their children, and it sounds like that’s the situation OP and her kids are in.

This is a classic case of “if he wanted to, he would.”

OP not allowing him any of the stuff is selfish as its crazy expensive for him to fully furnish a new house so maybe he's doing it over time as he has the money, especially if he has to pay child support and/or alimony. OP kept everything, including the home and is extremely selfish. Kids stuff should be divided into each home and each parent replace. Its proably not a battle for him to fight given she doesn't want him to have the kids or he's waiting to see if he has overnights, as there is no point in furnishing rooms for them if he only has a few hours a day or two a week.

Except he's not, as you can clearly see from OPs posts. Why are you so intent to defend some loser who doesn't want his kids? Hitting too close to home?

We don’t know his side and she’s restricting access so calling him a loser for not seeing his kids is wrong when he’s not allowed to.

How is she restricting him? He obviously isn’t pursuing custody and/or did something messed up to not have partial custody during the divorce process, and he obviously isn’t trying to remedy that if he won’t even give his kids space in his new life.

Too many dads want everyone to think they’re a great dad but don’t actually want to parent or be around their kids. Going around saying “but I rented a really nice house” while doing zero to make a new life for your kids or welcome them over there does not equal seeing your kids.

We don’t know anything except she’s complaining about the kids rooms but refused to let the kids have anything for his home. He doesn’t need to give them rooms if they are only there a few hours and no overnights.

I don’t want to go all the way back in this thread to find the quote but I’m pretty sure he declined stuff that the mom offered when he first moved out. Or was that another thread? Regardless, I didn’t see a post where the OP said she was refusing to give him stuff.

The point of the thread is to complain he has nothing at the house and he got nothing in the divorce so he had to replace it all which is silly as she’s fighting him to block visits and overnights. Why set up rooms for kids not allow to visit?

Why do you keep saying this? Are you on drugs and hallucinating? Because that is not what OP said in any post. You've completely made it up.

Is this how you normally treat people? Read the posts.