Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg no

Listen to your lawyer

And stop helping your ex

Have some self respect

I haven’t helped him. Just making sure that’s justified.

100 percent justified! He doesn't get the privilege of having you do "wife" or "mom" duties for him since you are getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.

Your naivety is not cute. It’s time to step up and require some more discipline of yourself. Divorce is not pretty.

In your first post you say that your attorney told you to not engage. Yet here you come looking for permission to set up bedrooms in your ex’s home. Stop being shocked and buckle down. Limit any engagement with your spouse to less than five words and run everything through your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.

Sadly some divorce lawyers sell the service of harassment and emotional abuse to their clients, many of whom are also abusive. There are divorce attorneys who went into the field precisely because they enjoy doing this. It's not the majority if family lawyers, at all, but it's enough that you have to be wary.

You know his lawyer cannot contact you directly, right? You don't have to be present for most negotiations either, except in cases where the judge may order it. Tell your lawyer you never want to be in a room with the ex or his lawyer. All communication should flow through your attorney. Document any harassing language or behavior. The system does have protections in place to keep you from being harassed by him or his lawyer. You are entitled to them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.

Your naivety is not cute. It’s time to step up and require some more discipline of yourself. Divorce is not pretty.

In your first post you say that your attorney told you to not engage. Yet here you come looking for permission to set up bedrooms in your ex’s home. Stop being shocked and buckle down. Limit any engagement with your spouse to less than five words and run everything through your lawyer.

Please re-read. You are making a lot of assumptions that probably reflect your point of view and not what I wrote. I was not asking for permission. I don’t want to be involved in his stupid house, but am making are that staying uninvolved as I have been is not going to bite me in the butt later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.

Sadly some divorce lawyers sell the service of harassment and emotional abuse to their clients, many of whom are also abusive. There are divorce attorneys who went into the field precisely because they enjoy doing this. It's not the majority if family lawyers, at all, but it's enough that you have to be wary.

You know his lawyer cannot contact you directly, right? You don't have to be present for most negotiations either, except in cases where the judge may order it. Tell your lawyer you never want to be in a room with the ex or his lawyer. All communication should flow through your attorney. Document any harassing language or behavior. The system does have protections in place to keep you from being harassed by him or his lawyer. You are entitled to them!

The only reason I saw the communication from his attorney was because my attorney sent it as an “fyi, you’re going to ignore this, I’m dealing with it” update.

Given some other stuff that has happened, my attorney has made it clear that I will never be in a room with my DH unless I have to be if it goes to a final trial. If we do mediation it will be shuttle mediation in separate rooms and I will not be with him nor his attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.

Your naivety is not cute. It’s time to step up and require some more discipline of yourself. Divorce is not pretty.

In your first post you say that your attorney told you to not engage. Yet here you come looking for permission to set up bedrooms in your ex’s home. Stop being shocked and buckle down. Limit any engagement with your spouse to less than five words and run everything through your lawyer.

Please re-read. You are making a lot of assumptions that probably reflect your point of view and not what I wrote. I was not asking for permission. I don’t want to be involved in his stupid house, but am making are that staying uninvolved as I have been is not going to bite me in the butt later.

So then why are you paying a lawyer? Seriously. Your lawyer gave you an answer to stay out of it, and yet here you are coming to an anonymous forum. The only reason you would come here is to get permission to go around your lawyer. You didn’t have to say it explicitly. Everyone here can see it. Again, stop with the nonsense. Lay low. Resist your urges to engage with your STBX. Send all communications to and through your attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.

Your naivety is not cute. It’s time to step up and require some more discipline of yourself. Divorce is not pretty.

In your first post you say that your attorney told you to not engage. Yet here you come looking for permission to set up bedrooms in your ex’s home. Stop being shocked and buckle down. Limit any engagement with your spouse to less than five words and run everything through your lawyer.

Please re-read. You are making a lot of assumptions that probably reflect your point of view and not what I wrote. I was not asking for permission. I don’t want to be involved in his stupid house, but am making are that staying uninvolved as I have been is not going to bite me in the butt later.

So then why are you paying a lawyer? Seriously. Your lawyer gave you an answer to stay out of it, and yet here you are coming to an anonymous forum. The only reason you would come here is to get permission to go around your lawyer. You didn’t have to say it explicitly. Everyone here can see it. Again, stop with the nonsense. Lay low. Resist your urges to engage with your STBX. Send all communications to and through your attorney.

I posted it because there are a lot of intelligent people on dcum who happen to be attorneys or have been divorced before, I can’t afford multiple legal consults to ensure that my attorney is giving me accurate advice every time, and I cannot afford to take every little thought or second guessing or wondering to an attorney who charges a bajillion dollars an hour. Not because I want permission to engage with the person who ruined my life.

If you want to berate someone going through a divorce, start your own thread.

[Anonymous]

NOOO

[Anonymous]

My ex suddenly left me last fall, buying a house four days later. He hired my friend to furnish it for him. She picked the designs, received all the furniture deliveries, etc. He still managed to get the wrong things for our daughters, or forgot to place their orders, and I fielded many complaints about the process of setting up their rooms in his house.

Your ex can hire someone too, if this task if beyond him. You are NOT expected to set up your kids' rooms in your ex's house.

I overfunctioned for my spouse, and kept my kids from feeling the effects of his immaturity and unreliability. My 13 year old just said, "I never noticed Daddy was like this before." But you know what? I was being codependent. I was trying to control my environment and keep us all safe, but his inability to adult is beyond my control. And it's OK if he lets down our kids. They will learn how to manage. They have my emotional support and guidance.

Just ignore his lawyer. I know it's hard, when a professional person is claiming you are hostile and uncooperative. But unless you're slashing his tires and refusing to answer when he tries to pick up the kids, he has nothing to back it up with. Tone and mood are not the concern of the court. You live over here in reality, where a father is failing to make his home hospitable for his own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex suddenly left me last fall, buying a house four days later. He hired my friend to furnish it for him. She picked the designs, received all the furniture deliveries, etc. He still managed to get the wrong things for our daughters, or forgot to place their orders, and I fielded many complaints about the process of setting up their rooms in his house.

Your ex can hire someone too, if this task if beyond him. You are NOT expected to set up your kids' rooms in your ex's house.

I overfunctioned for my spouse, and kept my kids from feeling the effects of his immaturity and unreliability. My 13 year old just said, "I never noticed Daddy was like this before." But you know what? I was being codependent. I was trying to control my environment and keep us all safe, but his inability to adult is beyond my control. And it's OK if he lets down our kids. They will learn how to manage. They have my emotional support and guidance.

Just ignore his lawyer. I know it's hard, when a professional person is claiming you are hostile and uncooperative. But unless you're slashing his tires and refusing to answer when he tries to pick up the kids, he has nothing to back it up with. Tone and mood are not the concern of the court. You live over here in reality, where a father is failing to make his home hospitable for his own kids.

Well I think it’s important to point out that failing to buy the “right things” is something a kid can recover from. OP’s ex apparently has beds for the kids, so they have the necessary minimum. OP needs to just create some real boundaries and accept that her ex will parent his way.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like he has asked for your help, though. So I’m confused.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you questioning your attorney’s advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STBX rented a big nice house. It has enough rooms for the kids to each have their own. But he hasn’t done anything to the rooms so they don’t stay over there.

He does not have a positive relationship with them. For their privacy, I’ll just say they’re in therapy for stuff he did before he moved out and that he has not attempted to address or repair.

My attorney insists I need to stay out of things, but does anyone else think I need to be proactive and send over stuff or prompt him to set up spaces for them? I don’t want to make things easier for him after how he’s acted, but I also don’t want to get in trouble for not being proactive or cooperative.

For what it’s worth, he makes 6-8x my salary and this is not a money or cash flow issue as far as I can tell.

Can I just say that I doubt that the reason your kids don't want to stay is because of how the rooms are decorated.

He did things that led to them needing therapy, and has made no effort to repair the relationship. That's why they don't want to visit.

It's possible that the kids are using the room as a reason, because it feels safer to say "We don't like our bedrooms" than "We don't like our Dad."

It's possible that dad is saying "I don't have rooms that are set up, so they can't come." because it sounds better than "I don't like parenting."

It's also possible that the kids see his failure to set up the rooms as a symbol of his failure to parent them. You setting the rooms up won't fix that either.

But I can pretty much guarantee that if they had warm relationships with Dad, and activities they enjoyed together to look forward to, they'd be more comfortable going.

Which is to say that the situation sucks, and I'm sorry you're in it, but fixing the rooms isn't the solution, because the rooms aren't really the problem.

[Anonymous]

Follow the advice of your attorney OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

Because you’re not setting up the kids’ rooms in your stbex’s new house? That doesn’t make any sense.