Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

You could offer to be hired for 500/hr to do this for him lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

SO WHAT????? WHO CARES?

My ex's attorney sent my attorney a letter saying I was being hostile and uncooperative and threatening to sue me to modify custody. My lawyer replied telling them to F off, and I never heard another word about it.

Abusive ex-spouses will try to bully you through their attorneys just like they did in person when you were married. Just because he got his lawyer to send a message doesn't mean you need to go over and furnish and decorate a grown man's house for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

Did the email say you were being hostile and uncooperative because you wouldn’t set up the kids rooms at his house???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, he needs to learn to parent.

Oh, 100%!!!

[Anonymous]

Do you love your kids more than you hate your STBX, or no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

That’s because your ex asked for that. It doesn’t make it true. It’s still just a bully calling people names.

- lawyer

Ok, thank you. My attorney said as much but I’m not in law and so when I see an email from an attorney that who’s actively litigating against me accusing me of all sorts of things it’s intimidating and very scary. Which I guess was the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your kids more than you hate your STBX, or no?

I don’t hate him at all, I love my kids. But he really, really hates me and I’ll never understand why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

Did the email say you were being hostile and uncooperative because you wouldn’t set up the kids rooms at his house???

No, like the Pp above experienced, it was just a general statement in response to nothing specific as far as I can tell. It may have been triggered by me asking for my extra car key back. I bought the car before we were married and the title is in my name; I gave him his extra car key.

[Anonymous]

Omg no

Listen to your lawyer

And stop helping your ex

Have some self respect

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation to you. My 2 cents

- i DID help with the furnishings, but only because one kid was one enough to order his own furniture and one wasn’t, so i helped the younger one out just to help remove that disparity

- I’m a couple months from my trial date. The list of dumb BS things my husband and his lawyer say are about a mile long. 99% is tactical or meant to intimidate and can be completely ignored. Like “here is a fabulous offer and you’d never get something this generous in court”…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg no

Listen to your lawyer

And stop helping your ex

Have some self respect

I haven’t helped him. Just making sure that’s justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation to you. My 2 cents

- i DID help with the furnishings, but only because one kid was one enough to order his own furniture and one wasn’t, so i helped the younger one out just to help remove that disparity

- I’m a couple months from my trial date. The list of dumb BS things my husband and his lawyer say are about a mile long. 99% is tactical or meant to intimidate and can be completely ignored. Like “here is a fabulous offer and you’d never get something this generous in court”…

Thanks. DH hasn’t even told the kids if the rooms are theirs so furnishing them is probably not going to be a matter of them going online with his credit card. It sounds like they came with beds? My kids have only been upstairs there once and their reports are confusing.

Any advice from a few months ahead of where I’m at? Things you wish you’d done differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STBX rented a big nice house. It has enough rooms for the kids to each have their own. But he hasn’t done anything to the rooms so they don’t stay over there.

He does not have a positive relationship with them. For their privacy, I’ll just say they’re in therapy for stuff he did before he moved out and that he has not attempted to address or repair.

My attorney insists I need to stay out of things, but does anyone else think I need to be proactive and send over stuff or prompt him to set up spaces for them? I don’t want to make things easier for him after how he’s acted, but I also don’t want to get in trouble for not being proactive or cooperative.

For what it’s worth, he makes 6-8x my salary and this is not a money or cash flow issue as far as I can tell.

You have been given legal advice. Listen and follow your attorney's advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is anyone suggesting to you that you have an obligation to make his house more welcoming for your kids so that they want to go there? Is your ex saying this or implying it in some way? Have your kids brought it up? Are family or friends making passive aggressive comments about it?

If so, I get why you might be feeling this pressure, especially if your relationship with him was abusive in any way.

But everyone in the thread, and your lawyer, is correct. Not only does this obligation not exist, but you NEED to stay out of it. If he does nothing to make his house a home for your kids, then he will reap the consequences of that. Your job is to focus on yourself and your kids, make your home what it needs to be to help them through this process, listen to your lawyer, and get your own ducks in a row.

And if anyone is suggesting to you that you owe this to him, distance yourself from that person (unless it's your kids, in which case their confusion is understandable and you should gently explain to them why you cannot help with this even though it is undoubtedly hard for them). This is not a reasonable ask, if it is indeed an ask anyone is making.

Yes, his attorney sent my attorney an email earlier this month saying I was being hostile and uncooperative.

It's your ex's lawyer what do you expect?

Not sure what I expected, but never in my adult life have I had a paid professional engage in this kind of accusatory name-calling in the course of a legal proceeding. I’ve only worked with attorneys in my own job in negotiations and contracts and this side journey into family law has been shocking. I did not realize that the process would include a grown adult getting paid by my STBX to bully me and that it would be considered perfectly normal.