DW never wants sex during the holidays

[Anonymous]

Because she's exhausted OP. The solution is for you to do more of the work, or for the whole family to be ok that Christmas / holiday magic isn't going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Here is how it works, OP. You take initiative, and you complete a task without being directed. You can also take initiative to reduce or eliminate tasks, but only if it's things she doesn't really care about. Here are a few examples.

"Honey, I have talked with my siblings and we agreed not to do gifts this year. Instead, we will all do donations to the food bank. I will buy cards, put donation receipts in each card, and address and mail them so that they arrive before Christmas." -- and you say this in mid-December.

"Honey, I have gotten the outdoor lights down from the attic and tested to make sure they work. I was thinking of doing a little less this year, maybe just the house and not the shrubbery. What do you think of that idea?" -- and you say this in mid-December.

"Honey, I know you love to make the card we send. I went through our photos online and here are the five I like the best. I also updated our address book for my side of the family." -- and this can be done as early as mid-November and should definitely be completed by mid-December.

These are the kinds of things she will like. Because you're not making empty promises, about what you will do, you're saying "This is what I have already done", and you're doing it without being told, well before it's due, and when she still has an opportunity for feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal

Grow up.

Send her to the 4 seasons alone tomorrow to recharge to spa and sleep . Be a good spouse.

He'd be a good dude if he did this. But she's still not going to want to have sex with him, and you're kind of cruel for implying that she's going to be hot for him after a spa day.

It actually disgusts me reading your comment.

She’s tired and stressed out and I suggest sending her away for a night to sleep and spa. Your response is you would only do that if she would return and want to have sex.

You’re not even thinking oh that would be a nice thing for her to be less stressed out.

You could not do something nice for a woman unless you get something (sex) in return for it.

You are a disgusting human being.

You are a bad reader. I said he'd be a good dude if he did that. In other words - the opposite of saying he shouldn't arrange a spa day for her.

The fact remains that she's not going to be hot for him because of the spa day, and you're doing harm by leading OP to believe that's the effect it will have.

But who is going to do all the things she was planning to get done on that day? If he's "giving" her a spa day, he's really just asking her to waste some of her work time. If she declines, he'll pout.

As I read the exchange, he was being instructed to send her to the Four Seasons a day or two after Christmas when, presumably, she wouldn't have much scheduled.

LOLOL. The post-Christmas breakdown and cleanup is a lot of work too! OP's problem is that he's not seeing her workload, and he's not seeing that all the extra tasks and routine changes and visual clutter of the holidays is adding to her stress. Spa is just more work if nobody picks up her tasks while she's there.

Here is the way to say that: "Honey, I made you a spa appointment for half a day. While you're there, I will take down all the outdoor lights and make sure everything is clean and put away for the year. Also, I will wash, fold, and put away all the sheets from the guest beds and have the guest rooms back to normal." THAT is what she wants to hear. Not "Honey, fall behind on your tasks and then I'll demand sex."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

"Honey, you are driving me and everyone else crazy and you can't have the things you value" is not going to get her into the sack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

And OP can have one of these three things: Being lazy, criticizing his wife, and sex.

[Anonymous]

She's probably tired. Help out more. DH takes on probably 80% of Thanksgiving and 50% of Christmas. We have lots of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

And OP can have one of these three things: Being lazy, criticizing his wife, and sex.

He's an empty-nester, he's not going to be having sex with his wife regardless. If the spark is gone at this point, it's not coming back regardless of how well he treats his wife or how much work he does. She might really, really appreciate the extra work he decides to do. But that's not going to spark any lust. Maybe earlier in their relationship when it and she were younger. But not now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

Right?? "i've noticed that after planning christmas dinner, preparing for visiting adult children, gift buying and wrapping, food shopping, decorating, sending holiday cards, calling all of our out of town relatives, and socializing with our adult kids, our siblings, our adult kids partners, and going to a few holiday parties over the past week, you dont want to have sex with me on christmas eve. can we next year just skip all that stuff so we can have sex on christmas eve?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

wrong, she can value whatever she wants and do whatever she wants for christmas, EVEN IF it means her husband doesnt get to have sex with her that week because she is spending her time doing holiday things that she enjoys, but that do wear her out a little bit both socially and physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

wrong, she can value whatever she wants and do whatever she wants for christmas, EVEN IF it means her husband doesnt get to have sex with her that week because she is spending her time doing holiday things that she enjoys, but that do wear her out a little bit both socially and physically.

Maybe he could, like an adult, propose to eliminate or outsource some things. And then they could have a conversation and agree together on the best approach. I know it sounds crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is how it works, OP. You take initiative, and you complete a task without being directed. You can also take initiative to reduce or eliminate tasks, but only if it's things she doesn't really care about. Here are a few examples.

"Honey, I have talked with my siblings and we agreed not to do gifts this year. Instead, we will all do donations to the food bank. I will buy cards, put donation receipts in each card, and address and mail them so that they arrive before Christmas." -- and you say this in mid-December.

"Honey, I have gotten the outdoor lights down from the attic and tested to make sure they work. I was thinking of doing a little less this year, maybe just the house and not the shrubbery. What do you think of that idea?" -- and you say this in mid-December.

"Honey, I know you love to make the card we send. I went through our photos online and here are the five I like the best. I also updated our address book for my side of the family." -- and this can be done as early as mid-November and should definitely be completed by mid-December.

These are the kinds of things she will like. Because you're not making empty promises, about what you will do, you're saying "This is what I have already done", and you're doing it without being told, well before it's due, and when she still has an opportunity for feedback.

If he's up in the attic looking for the lights in mid december, he's about 2 weeks late. OP's wife has already hung them up. Also, telling someone to scale back on Christmas decor, or gifts, or entertaining, or baking, when she clearly wants to do those things because she likes Christmas, even if it means she doesn't have a lot of bandwidth for other stuff, isn't helpful. It's minimizing what she enjoys and telling her that her efforts aren't appreciated. And maybe you don't appreciate her putting on a big Christmas celebration. But telling her to stop doing it, and expecing that she'll use that extra time in the day to blow you, is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

No.
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it. So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.

wrong, she can value whatever she wants and do whatever she wants for christmas, EVEN IF it means her husband doesnt get to have sex with her that week because she is spending her time doing holiday things that she enjoys, but that do wear her out a little bit both socially and physically.

Maybe he could, like an adult, propose to eliminate or outsource some things. And then they could have a conversation and agree together on the best approach. I know it sounds crazy!

Exactly. "Honey, I know you love Christmas. But I don't, and it's so much effort every year for you. Let's eliminate X, Y, and Z. Or, A B and C. You need to pick, though. Because it's too much. This is the best approach. You may love the holidays, but I'm proposing you stop celebrating them to the extent that you do, because, I prefer you to have sex with me"

[Anonymous]

And she's going to say, "Get bent. I like Christmas, and all of the work that goes with it, more than I like sex with you."

[Anonymous]

My husband does NOTHING for Christmas. I do all the shopping, all the wrapping, all the schlepping. Once the kids opened their presents, he slept for the rest of the day. I made dinner. And cleaned up. There are a ton of boxes that need to by broken down--did he do it? Nope. I'm just over it. He gets incredibly defensive when I ask him to do anything.
I want to get in the car and drive somewhere far away.