DW never wants sex during the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re empty nesters. Labor divided pretty evenly I would say. I don’t know. I guess I’m crazy for desiring intimacy with my wife around the holidays?

Next year, tell her that you want to opt out of a lot of the craziness and stress and just focus on connecting yourselves and with your kids and grandkids.
Give specifics. Offer to take over the gift buying. Women get weird about gift buying.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Claims things “are too crazy”, she’s “exhausted from being around people all the time”.

Is this normal? I think of the holidays as a special time to connect and be intimate.

If she’s doing all the work and has a house full of people then it’s obvious, right? What do you do to help?

[Anonymous]

It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

[Anonymous]

My ex used to get verbally and sometimes physically abusive during the holidays. I'm quite sure it was caused by the pressure of nonstop family scrutiny, even though my ex was from a loving family. I am a man and she is a woman. When I say verbally I mean screaming, and when I say physically I mean hitting. Her punches and slaps never actually hurt physically but they were very upsetting to me, especially when one of our children saw her throw a punch, which I blocked with my hand. Years later our child asked me about the time mommy and daddy were hitting each other during a family event. This happened in a private room but the kid saw us. Most people wouldn't believe me if I told them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re empty nesters. Labor divided pretty evenly I would say. I don’t know. I guess I’m crazy for desiring intimacy with my wife around the holidays?

If you don't know whether labor is evenly divided, then it probably isn't. Why don't you make a list of the holiday workload on a sheet of paper and see how it looks. Don't forget to include the normal workload, because that doesn't stop just because it's holidays.

Your little pouting routine of "I guess I'm crazy" is likely putting her off as much as anything else. How about you help with the things that need to be done (like an adult!)), then give her some alone time to rest, then try. And if she says no, don't pout!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Claims things “are too crazy”, she’s “exhausted from being around people all the time”.

Is this normal? I think of the holidays as a special time to connect and be intimate.

How much do you do vis a vis:

Holiday planning
Holiday meal planning
Gifts lists
Holiday cards photos, ordering, printing, writing, sending
Gifts purchasing
Decorating the house
School events, e.g. concerts, classroom parties, teacher gifts, similar
Kids' clothing
Arranging for guests' accommodations, e.g. clean sheets, bedding, bathrooms clean, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re empty nesters. Labor divided pretty evenly I would say. I don’t know. I guess I’m crazy for desiring intimacy with my wife around the holidays?

If you don't know whether labor is evenly divided, then it probably isn't. Why don't you make a list of the holiday workload on a sheet of paper and see how it looks. Don't forget to include the normal workload, because that doesn't stop just because it's holidays.

Your little pouting routine of "I guess I'm crazy" is likely putting her off as much as anything else. How about you help with the things that need to be done (like an adult!)), then give her some alone time to rest, then try. And if she says no, don't pout!

+1, except don't "help." Just take it all over. Take charge.

It will be a learning curve for OP for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re empty nesters. Labor divided pretty evenly I would say. I don’t know. I guess I’m crazy for desiring intimacy with my wife around the holidays?

We’re empty nesters too! I’m a very light drinker and last night after we returned to our empty home I had two glasses of champagne and my libido really took off. I told my husband it would be nice to have a fire and while he got it going I slipped into a rarely worn sheer nightgown. Sex by the fireplace was wonderful even for a mid-50s couple. I do have a bit of a headache today!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We’re empty nesters. Labor divided pretty evenly I would say. I don’t know. I guess I’m crazy for desiring intimacy with my wife around the holidays?

Next year, tell her that you want to opt out of a lot of the craziness and stress and just focus on connecting yourselves and with your kids and grandkids.
Give specifics. Offer to take over the gift buying. Women get weird about gift buying.

Yeah, that’s a great idea. Let’s cancel Christmas that you can get sex.

/s

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you take over a category entirely. Not "help". Not ask tons of questions and need her to remind you and help you, and do not procrastinate. Choose something like exterior decorations. Or the annual card if you send one. Or gifts for your side of the family.

Whatever you choose, you must do a good job, 100%, without being reminded, cleaning up after. And do NOT procrastinate. If you procrastinate, she will be constantly wondering if you're going to ever do it, how long it will take you, what problems may arise, and the quality of your work. She will be constantly biting her tongue asking you about it. And if you leave it to the last minute or it takes you longer than it should, that is annoying because it makes you unavailable to help with all the other things that need to be done. So get it together like the adult you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal

Grow up.

Send her to the 4 seasons alone tomorrow to recharge to spa and sleep . Be a good spouse.

He'd be a good dude if he did this. But she's still not going to want to have sex with him, and you're kind of cruel for implying that she's going to be hot for him after a spa day.

It actually disgusts me reading your comment.

She’s tired and stressed out and I suggest sending her away for a night to sleep and spa. Your response is you would only do that if she would return and want to have sex.

You’re not even thinking oh that would be a nice thing for her to be less stressed out.

You could not do something nice for a woman unless you get something (sex) in return for it.

You are a disgusting human being.

You are a bad reader. I said he'd be a good dude if he did that. In other words - the opposite of saying he shouldn't arrange a spa day for her.

The fact remains that she's not going to be hot for him because of the spa day, and you're doing harm by leading OP to believe that's the effect it will have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list.

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.
He’s her husband. He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat. He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal

Grow up.

Send her to the 4 seasons alone tomorrow to recharge to spa and sleep . Be a good spouse.

He'd be a good dude if he did this. But she's still not going to want to have sex with him, and you're kind of cruel for implying that she's going to be hot for him after a spa day.

It actually disgusts me reading your comment.

She’s tired and stressed out and I suggest sending her away for a night to sleep and spa. Your response is you would only do that if she would return and want to have sex.

You’re not even thinking oh that would be a nice thing for her to be less stressed out.

You could not do something nice for a woman unless you get something (sex) in return for it.

You are a disgusting human being.

You are a bad reader. I said he'd be a good dude if he did that. In other words - the opposite of saying he shouldn't arrange a spa day for her.

The fact remains that she's not going to be hot for him because of the spa day, and you're doing harm by leading OP to believe that's the effect it will have.

But who is going to do all the things she was planning to get done on that day? If he's "giving" her a spa day, he's really just asking her to waste some of her work time. If she declines, he'll pout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal

Grow up.

Send her to the 4 seasons alone tomorrow to recharge to spa and sleep . Be a good spouse.

He'd be a good dude if he did this. But she's still not going to want to have sex with him, and you're kind of cruel for implying that she's going to be hot for him after a spa day.

It actually disgusts me reading your comment.

She’s tired and stressed out and I suggest sending her away for a night to sleep and spa. Your response is you would only do that if she would return and want to have sex.

You’re not even thinking oh that would be a nice thing for her to be less stressed out.

You could not do something nice for a woman unless you get something (sex) in return for it.

You are a disgusting human being.

You are a bad reader. I said he'd be a good dude if he did that. In other words - the opposite of saying he shouldn't arrange a spa day for her.

The fact remains that she's not going to be hot for him because of the spa day, and you're doing harm by leading OP to believe that's the effect it will have.

But who is going to do all the things she was planning to get done on that day? If he's "giving" her a spa day, he's really just asking her to waste some of her work time. If she declines, he'll pout.

As I read the exchange, he was being instructed to send her to the Four Seasons a day or two after Christmas when, presumably, she wouldn't have much scheduled.