Options for dead bedroom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

Exactly. There are ways to put a little bit of effort into it and protect all parties' best interests.

Then again, there are ways to put a little bit of effort into the "dead bedroom" and probably fix that issue, so I guess people with this problem also have a "won't put in the effort" problem comorbidly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

Things always take work. The question is where it makes sense to focus a finite amount of effort. Engaging with a crazy quasi-spouse is high-effort, low-reward.

Oh, no, that's stinkin' thinking. If your spouse is, in fact, crazy, focusing your energy on divorcing as cleanly as possible is the highest-reward track possible. Cheating and getting caught has never reduced the "crazy" in this dynamic, and you're incredibly foolish to think it would.

You're also probably the root cause of the "crazy", so just do yourself and your "quasi-spouse" the favor of separating and filing for divorce before you do more crazymaking shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce or open marriage/consensual nonmonogamy. Cheaters are weak, lacking integrity, and they are liars.

The partner has consented to nonmonogamy through their actions.

Revenge adultery isn't consensual nonmonogamy. Not having sex with someone isn't consent to cheat. What an asinine thing to say.

That's not "revenge" and it's weird to think it is.

If that's really your concern, then just keep it a secret from the partner.

Keeping secrets from your partner is low-integrity behavior, so no, I don't do that either. And yes, "I didn't get what I wanted, so I'm going to cheat on you" is revenge adultery. You're butthurt and you're going to do a thing you know would hurt your partner if they knew, in secret, and you'll justify it because you think they did a thing first. Textbook revenge: you did that so I'll do this.

Nobody owes you sex, even in a marriage, and if you're not happy with the amount of sex you're getting, the burden falls to you to fix it or leave. If you cheat, you're the problem.

It's not revenge. It's not motivated by a desire to hurt the other person. In many cases, one of the objectives is to keep them from the finding out and being hurt.

This is like saying driving drunk isn’t motivated by a desire to hurt anybody. No, but it’s still abhorrently irresponsible and selfish.

Well said. Whether you want to hurt someone or not, you can't pretend you don't see the potential to hurt someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

NP.

While I agree with you, I also know this section of DCUM. What the women of DCUM fail to accept / understand is:

- you are a greedy coward if you withhold sex from your partner and refuse to address whatever causes you to withhold sex.

Every month, year after year, I read posts where women decide (all on their own) they no longer feel like doing it (no libido) and further decide their husband must simply accept being a-sexual, while also expecting his full fidelity.

Sorry, but it does not work that way. Again, only a greedy coward would do that to the person they married. People have to either fix their libido problem, address whatever it is they find so repulsive about their spouse, or let them go.

Trapping them in a sexless marriage never ends well for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

NP.

While I agree with you, I also know this section of DCUM. What the women of DCUM fail to accept / understand is:

- you are a greedy coward if you withhold sex from your partner and refuse to address whatever causes you to withhold sex.

Every month, year after year, I read posts where women decide (all on their own) they no longer feel like doing it (no libido) and further decide their husband must simply accept being a-sexual, while also expecting his full fidelity.

Sorry, but it does not work that way. Again, only a greedy coward would do that to the person they married. People have to either fix their libido problem, address whatever it is they find so repulsive about their spouse, or let them go.

Trapping them in a sexless marriage never ends well for anyone.

Nobody. Traps. Men. In. Sexless. Marriages.

Men can leave. Men leave ALL THE TIME. Nobody forces men or women to cheat, they are adults who make (shitty) choices.

And by the time the bedroom is dead, the person who's gonna get blamed for killing it has probably said 1,000 times why they don't feel like fscking. Someone treats it as an entitlement, the other someone doesn't like meeting one person's needs when their own aren't getting met... Dead bedrooms all have one common cause: One party thinks they're owed sex without any respect or regard for the other human's needs. Lot of 'bedroom suicides', if you're being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

Things always take work. The question is where it makes sense to focus a finite amount of effort. Engaging with a crazy quasi-spouse is high-effort, low-reward.

Oh, no, that's stinkin' thinking. If your spouse is, in fact, crazy, focusing your energy on divorcing as cleanly as possible is the highest-reward track possible. Cheating and getting caught has never reduced the "crazy" in this dynamic, and you're incredibly foolish to think it would.

You're also probably the root cause of the "crazy", so just do yourself and your "quasi-spouse" the favor of separating and filing for divorce before you do more crazymaking shit.

It’s strange how every single cheater has a “crazy” spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

NP.

While I agree with you, I also know this section of DCUM. What the women of DCUM fail to accept / understand is:

- you are a greedy coward if you withhold sex from your partner and refuse to address whatever causes you to withhold sex.

Every month, year after year, I read posts where women decide (all on their own) they no longer feel like doing it (no libido) and further decide their husband must simply accept being a-sexual, while also expecting his full fidelity.

Sorry, but it does not work that way. Again, only a greedy coward would do that to the person they married. People have to either fix their libido problem, address whatever it is they find so repulsive about their spouse, or let them go.

Trapping them in a sexless marriage never ends well for anyone.

The OP is the one saying therapy is off the table. So how is the “cause” supposed to be addressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If couples therapy and divorce are excluded. What do people do? Do they justify cheating or not yet?

You both fix the underlying relationship issue(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

Things always take work. The question is where it makes sense to focus a finite amount of effort. Engaging with a crazy quasi-spouse is high-effort, low-reward.

Oh, no, that's stinkin' thinking. If your spouse is, in fact, crazy, focusing your energy on divorcing as cleanly as possible is the highest-reward track possible. Cheating and getting caught has never reduced the "crazy" in this dynamic, and you're incredibly foolish to think it would.

You're also probably the root cause of the "crazy", so just do yourself and your "quasi-spouse" the favor of separating and filing for divorce before you do more crazymaking shit.

It’s strange how every single cheater has a “crazy” spouse.

Yeah, the DARVO is pretty strong with most people who cheat. They're somehow the victims...

[Anonymous]

I've found that cheaters will continuously lie. You can put in effort but dont expect to be repaid. Do it because you want to. And be safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

NP.

While I agree with you, I also know this section of DCUM. What the women of DCUM fail to accept / understand is:

- you are a greedy coward if you withhold sex from your partner and refuse to address whatever causes you to withhold sex.

Every month, year after year, I read posts where women decide (all on their own) they no longer feel like doing it (no libido) and further decide their husband must simply accept being a-sexual, while also expecting his full fidelity.

Sorry, but it does not work that way. Again, only a greedy coward would do that to the person they married. People have to either fix their libido problem, address whatever it is they find so repulsive about their spouse, or let them go.

Trapping them in a sexless marriage never ends well for anyone.

Nobody. Traps. Men. In. Sexless. Marriages.

Men can leave. Men leave ALL THE TIME. Nobody forces men or women to cheat, they are adults who make (shitty) choices.

And by the time the bedroom is dead, the person who's gonna get blamed for killing it has probably said 1,000 times why they don't feel like fscking. Someone treats it as an entitlement, the other someone doesn't like meeting one person's needs when their own aren't getting met... Dead bedrooms all have one common cause: One party thinks they're owed sex without any respect or regard for the other human's needs. Lot of 'bedroom suicides', if you're being honest.

This is so not true. Can be the exact opposite. It is not fair to enter into a monogamous relationship giving the expectation of frequent sex, and then do a bat and switch after kids, merged lives, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

NP.

While I agree with you, I also know this section of DCUM. What the women of DCUM fail to accept / understand is:

- you are a greedy coward if you withhold sex from your partner and refuse to address whatever causes you to withhold sex.

Every month, year after year, I read posts where women decide (all on their own) they no longer feel like doing it (no libido) and further decide their husband must simply accept being a-sexual, while also expecting his full fidelity.

Sorry, but it does not work that way. Again, only a greedy coward would do that to the person they married. People have to either fix their libido problem, address whatever it is they find so repulsive about their spouse, or let them go.

Trapping them in a sexless marriage never ends well for anyone.

Nobody. Traps. Men. In. Sexless. Marriages.

Men can leave. Men leave ALL THE TIME. Nobody forces men or women to cheat, they are adults who make (shitty) choices.

And by the time the bedroom is dead, the person who's gonna get blamed for killing it has probably said 1,000 times why they don't feel like fscking. Someone treats it as an entitlement, the other someone doesn't like meeting one person's needs when their own aren't getting met... Dead bedrooms all have one common cause: One party thinks they're owed sex without any respect or regard for the other human's needs. Lot of 'bedroom suicides', if you're being honest.

This is so not true. Can be the exact opposite. It is not fair to enter into a monogamous relationship giving the expectation of frequent sex, and then do a bat and switch after kids, merged lives, etc.

It's not a bait and switch. It's life
Kids, houses, merged finances... these things all change the easy, sexy, low responsibility dynamic. Therefore, the people in the dynamic change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

it's only a win/win if you're a greedy coward. Getting caught blows up any hope of an amicable separation, but most importantly, blows up your reputation as a decent human being. Whatever you may gain from "not getting caught", YOU will know what you did. Enjoy that guilt, greedy coward!

NP.

While I agree with you, I also know this section of DCUM. What the women of DCUM fail to accept / understand is:

- you are a greedy coward if you withhold sex from your partner and refuse to address whatever causes you to withhold sex.

Every month, year after year, I read posts where women decide (all on their own) they no longer feel like doing it (no libido) and further decide their husband must simply accept being a-sexual, while also expecting his full fidelity.

Sorry, but it does not work that way. Again, only a greedy coward would do that to the person they married. People have to either fix their libido problem, address whatever it is they find so repulsive about their spouse, or let them go.

Trapping them in a sexless marriage never ends well for anyone.

Nobody. Traps. Men. In. Sexless. Marriages.

Men can leave. Men leave ALL THE TIME. Nobody forces men or women to cheat, they are adults who make (shitty) choices.

And by the time the bedroom is dead, the person who's gonna get blamed for killing it has probably said 1,000 times why they don't feel like fscking. Someone treats it as an entitlement, the other someone doesn't like meeting one person's needs when their own aren't getting met... Dead bedrooms all have one common cause: One party thinks they're owed sex without any respect or regard for the other human's needs. Lot of 'bedroom suicides', if you're being honest.

This is so not true. Can be the exact opposite. It is not fair to enter into a monogamous relationship giving the expectation of frequent sex, and then do a bat and switch after kids, merged lives, etc.

Ethical remedies for your problem are (i) fix the problem with your spouse through open communication, (2) go to couples counseling to get third-party help in fixing the problem, or (3) divorce.

Cheating at best provides a temporary escape, but it typically makes the underlying issues worse by adding betrayal to the mix. If you had divorced after putting in effort to resolve the underlying problem, including through counseling, you know you gave it your best shot, and your family, kids, and community wouldn't have any reason to question your integrity. Your divorce could be about irreconcilable differences instead of dad or mom being a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

Things always take work. The question is where it makes sense to focus a finite amount of effort. Engaging with a crazy quasi-spouse is high-effort, low-reward.

Oh, no, that's stinkin' thinking. If your spouse is, in fact, crazy, focusing your energy on divorcing as cleanly as possible is the highest-reward track possible. Cheating and getting caught has never reduced the "crazy" in this dynamic, and you're incredibly foolish to think it would.

You're also probably the root cause of the "crazy", so just do yourself and your "quasi-spouse" the favor of separating and filing for divorce before you do more crazymaking shit.

You just ignore the crazy, quasi-spouse. That requires far less interaction with them than divorce.