Options for dead bedroom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce or open marriage/consensual nonmonogamy. Cheaters are weak, lacking integrity, and they are liars.

The partner has consented to nonmonogamy through their actions.

Revenge adultery isn't consensual nonmonogamy. Not having sex with someone isn't consent to cheat. What an asinine thing to say.

That's not "revenge" and it's weird to think it is.

If that's really your concern, then just keep it a secret from the partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But toys and use porn?

This. Nobody's dying from lack of sex. It may not be what you want, but you'll live long enough to get a divorce and go fsck someone new. In the interim, get yourself off and keep your integrity where it should be. Have some self-respect!

No reason to wait. Particularly if you're going to get a divorce anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But toys and use porn?

This. Nobody's dying from lack of sex. It may not be what you want, but you'll live long enough to get a divorce and go fsck someone new. In the interim, get yourself off and keep your integrity where it should be. Have some self-respect!

No reason to wait. Particularly if you're going to get a divorce anyway.

And here's the difference between people who care about their integrity, and people who don't. If you're DONE with your relationship, and your spouse knows that, it's not cheating to separate and go be with other people (though high-integrity people will question just how DONE you are until the ink is dry on the settled divorce papers). But people like PP don't have the "we're done" conversation, they just assume it's fair game to step out. Not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce or open marriage/consensual nonmonogamy. Cheaters are weak, lacking integrity, and they are liars.

The partner has consented to nonmonogamy through their actions.

Revenge adultery isn't consensual nonmonogamy. Not having sex with someone isn't consent to cheat. What an asinine thing to say.

That's not "revenge" and it's weird to think it is.

If that's really your concern, then just keep it a secret from the partner.

Keeping secrets from your partner is low-integrity behavior, so no, I don't do that either. And yes, "I didn't get what I wanted, so I'm going to cheat on you" is revenge adultery. You're butthurt and you're going to do a thing you know would hurt your partner if they knew, in secret, and you'll justify it because you think they did a thing first. Textbook revenge: you did that so I'll do this.

Nobody owes you sex, even in a marriage, and if you're not happy with the amount of sex you're getting, the burden falls to you to fix it or leave. If you cheat, you're the problem.

[Anonymous]

I would solve the issues that are causing the dead bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But toys and use porn?

This. Nobody's dying from lack of sex. It may not be what you want, but you'll live long enough to get a divorce and go fsck someone new. In the interim, get yourself off and keep your integrity where it should be. Have some self-respect!

Exactly. The relationship will die, but you won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce or open marriage/consensual nonmonogamy. Cheaters are weak, lacking integrity, and they are liars.

The partner has consented to nonmonogamy through their actions.

Revenge adultery isn't consensual nonmonogamy. Not having sex with someone isn't consent to cheat. What an asinine thing to say.

That's not "revenge" and it's weird to think it is.

If that's really your concern, then just keep it a secret from the partner.

Keeping secrets from your partner is low-integrity behavior, so no, I don't do that either. And yes, "I didn't get what I wanted, so I'm going to cheat on you" is revenge adultery. You're butthurt and you're going to do a thing you know would hurt your partner if they knew, in secret, and you'll justify it because you think they did a thing first. Textbook revenge: you did that so I'll do this.

Nobody owes you sex, even in a marriage, and if you're not happy with the amount of sex you're getting, the burden falls to you to fix it or leave. If you cheat, you're the problem.

It's not revenge. It's not motivated by a desire to hurt the other person. In many cases, one of the objectives is to keep them from the finding out and being hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would solve the issues that are causing the dead bedroom.

Right, by replacing a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But toys and use porn?

This. Nobody's dying from lack of sex. It may not be what you want, but you'll live long enough to get a divorce and go fsck someone new. In the interim, get yourself off and keep your integrity where it should be. Have some self-respect!

Agreed. It’s also about self respect! Divorce is always an option. It may not be good for you but it maybe the right option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is couples therapy excluded? Working through your issues is the only way to fix dead bedroom, whatever the real issue behind the dead bedroom is: health, resentment, incompatibility, exhaustion.

Finding a side partner is one way to work through them.

Finding a side partner is a good way to spread your unaddressed issues to someone else, and pick up some of their unaddressed issues/illnesses in the process. Stupid.

+100000.

Why bring more trouble to yourself: hiding/lying/planning for cheating.

Cheating seems like a win/win. Either you don't get caught, and you fix your problem. Or you do get caught, presumably leading to a divorce, which also fixes the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce or open marriage/consensual nonmonogamy. Cheaters are weak, lacking integrity, and they are liars.

The partner has consented to nonmonogamy through their actions.

Revenge adultery isn't consensual nonmonogamy. Not having sex with someone isn't consent to cheat. What an asinine thing to say.

That's not "revenge" and it's weird to think it is.

If that's really your concern, then just keep it a secret from the partner.

Keeping secrets from your partner is low-integrity behavior, so no, I don't do that either. And yes, "I didn't get what I wanted, so I'm going to cheat on you" is revenge adultery. You're butthurt and you're going to do a thing you know would hurt your partner if they knew, in secret, and you'll justify it because you think they did a thing first. Textbook revenge: you did that so I'll do this.

Nobody owes you sex, even in a marriage, and if you're not happy with the amount of sex you're getting, the burden falls to you to fix it or leave. If you cheat, you're the problem.

It's not revenge. It's not motivated by a desire to hurt the other person. In many cases, one of the objectives is to keep them from the finding out and being hurt.

This is like saying driving drunk isn’t motivated by a desire to hurt anybody. No, but it’s still abhorrently irresponsible and selfish.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce or open marriage/consensual nonmonogamy. Cheaters are weak, lacking integrity, and they are liars.

The partner has consented to nonmonogamy through their actions.

Revenge adultery isn't consensual nonmonogamy. Not having sex with someone isn't consent to cheat. What an asinine thing to say.

That's not "revenge" and it's weird to think it is.

If that's really your concern, then just keep it a secret from the partner.

Keeping secrets from your partner is low-integrity behavior, so no, I don't do that either. And yes, "I didn't get what I wanted, so I'm going to cheat on you" is revenge adultery. You're butthurt and you're going to do a thing you know would hurt your partner if they knew, in secret, and you'll justify it because you think they did a thing first. Textbook revenge: you did that so I'll do this.

Nobody owes you sex, even in a marriage, and if you're not happy with the amount of sex you're getting, the burden falls to you to fix it or leave. If you cheat, you're the problem.

It's not revenge. It's not motivated by a desire to hurt the other person. In many cases, one of the objectives is to keep them from the finding out and being hurt.

This is like saying driving drunk isn’t motivated by a desire to hurt anybody. No, but it’s still abhorrently irresponsible and selfish.

That's debatable. But even if that's true, it isn't being done out of "revenge" as the pp suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why lying is ok?

Discuss it with your spouse. If you get a vasectomy/tubal, and a postnup which protects your children, then there are ethical ways to have a side partner.

Why is that too much work if this is such a “need”.

I always get the impression people here are lazy. “How can I fix my problem by doing no work” well, like most things, you can’t!

Things always take work. The question is where it makes sense to focus a finite amount of effort. Engaging with a crazy quasi-spouse is high-effort, low-reward.