(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

Look, if you wanted to take care of him, you should have stayed married. Right now you need to focus on YOUR household which is you and your children.

Inviting an unemployed man with a DUI move into your basement is a horrible life decision.

Taking your child out of daycare to stay with an unemployed man with a DUI is a terrible life decision.

The above are not controversial. They’re not opinions. You need to make sure you’re financially separate from this man and focus on YOU. And your children’s unemployed, alcoholic father with a DUI sees them a little less while he gets his shit together, that’s not a bad thing.

Make an appointment with a lawyer NOW to talk about your divorce options. But for the love of god, do not let this man keep dragging you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus.

DON'T START A NEW THREAD. UPDATE THE OLD ONE.

No one knows what the hell you are talking about and no one wants to go back a search for an old thread.

Lots of us know who this is.

[Anonymous]

He must be pretty messed up to be a drunk and get fired. Usually you can get in job trouble, claim alcoholism and in treatment and get a year grace per the ADA to straighten out. It's a disability. Reasonable accommodation.
Or was he on one unbeknownst to you and drinking at work? They don't have to keep him if drinking and messing up at work.
His lease is his lease. Not your problem.
If you have joint credit cards get off them. Talk to your lawyer. You don't want his debts.
I forget how old your kids are but dad can't drive so visits will have to be figured out ought to be understandable. He sounds sketchy and hanging with him could be the worse trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus.

DON'T START A NEW THREAD. UPDATE THE OLD ONE.

No one knows what the hell you are talking about and no one wants to go back a search for an old thread.

Lots of us know who this is.

Agree. And this warrants a new thread. This thread is about how to address a soon to be divorced husband's sudden unemployment. It's not about discovering your spouse has been unfaithful and what do I do? If she went back to the old thread and posted an update it would be completely overrun by people just reading the first post and commenting on that, not realizing until they get to page whatever that it's an update to an old post.

[Anonymous]

Any sense, OP, if this was a true layoff (lots of folks getting downsized) or targeted to him?

[Anonymous]

Not your problem.

Figure out health insurance for all.

If he is on a shitty studio, you drive the kids there. If they won’t be safe there, you can give him custody time somewhere else you both agree on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any sense, OP, if this was a true layoff (lots of folks getting downsized) or targeted to him?

He said his supervisor told him that several people on the team were being affected as part of a re-org. But who knows, liars lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Your priority should be health insurance for you and the children - check the ACA. Your response to him should be a cal, cool, "and what do you intend to do next?"

His rent, his health insurance is not your problem. Let him clean up this mess, and you take care of you and the kids. When he gets it sorted, without your help, they'll see him again, but for now, "daddy has some things to work out, and we're starting school, so that's our focus."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Your priority should be health insurance for you and the children - check the ACA. Your response to him should be a cal, cool, "and what do you intend to do next?"

His rent, his health insurance is not your problem. Let him clean up this mess, and you take care of you and the kids. When he gets it sorted, without your help, they'll see him again, but for now, "daddy has some things to work out, and we're starting school, so that's our focus."

If they have a temporary custody agreement, OP can't just withhold the kids from him. She can (and let's be real, she probably should) ask him not to drive the kids anywhere, given his recent DUI. Figure out a way for him to see the kids that doesn't require using him as their driver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

You keep talking about the children's stability, but honestly what you all need is to stop the merry-go-round of relying on him and getting upset when he's not reliable. Give your children freedom from this troubled person. You think your emotions aren't imprinting on them? Wrong. You're a mess, so they're a mess.

Do NOT help him and do NOT count on him. Rely on your own money, downsize if necessary, curtail activities for now. He's a trainwreck, OP, and he will get worse, not better. If he does get better, it will be a long time from now.

You are way too attached to your lifestyle and your children lifestyle. They don't need to be driven to that much stuff. If you can't recoup all the money you spent for their activities, maybe try to find a carpool. But they're young enough that activities don't matter. They can go to aftercare you can't pick them up from school.

Not to mention that you don't want your kid to die from being in a car with a drunk driver.

[Anonymous]

15:13 again. And contact the ACA in your state. We've been on the ACA in Maryland for years, have Kaiser, and it's been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Your priority should be health insurance for you and the children - check the ACA. Your response to him should be a cal, cool, "and what do you intend to do next?"

His rent, his health insurance is not your problem. Let him clean up this mess, and you take care of you and the kids. When he gets it sorted, without your help, they'll see him again, but for now, "daddy has some things to work out, and we're starting school, so that's our focus."

If they have a temporary custody agreement, OP can't just withhold the kids from him. She can (and let's be real, she probably should) ask him not to drive the kids anywhere, given his recent DUI. Figure out a way for him to see the kids that doesn't require using him as their driver.

She should file for emergency custody. At a minimum she should have them most of the time and he should get every other weekend.

A DUI and not being legally able to drive your kids is a huge change in circumstances. Most judges would allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The history, for anyone who doesn't know it

Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1280637.page

Vacation wife here. 4 month update
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1130437.page

Original post/thread:
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

OMFG. Stop starting multiple threads. No, we are not going to go through and click on all those links are read them.

Start ONE thread, and then update the FIRST thread.

You focus on supporting yourself and your kids. NO you do not let your loser husband move back in. HE handles that. You do NOT give him child support and alimony. Get a good lawyer WHO REPRESENTS YOU ONLY if you don't have one. Don't fall for that amicable mediation crap.

And stop starting multiple threads on the same topic.

In OP's defense she did not post the older threads (I did), and the original thread is now locked. I only posted them in case someone wanted to read the original post in each thread to get the backstory.

I actually like OP posting a new thread. Otherwise you'd get people who only read the first post and then comment. Instead of people reading the last post.

Most Dcum regulars easily remembered vacation wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The history, for anyone who doesn't know it

Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1280637.page

Vacation wife here. 4 month update
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1130437.page

Original post/thread:
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

OMFG. Stop starting multiple threads. No, we are not going to go through and click on all those links are read them.

Start ONE thread, and then update the FIRST thread.

You focus on supporting yourself and your kids. NO you do not let your loser husband move back in. HE handles that. You do NOT give him child support and alimony. Get a good lawyer WHO REPRESENTS YOU ONLY if you don't have one. Don't fall for that amicable mediation crap.

And stop starting multiple threads on the same topic.

In OP's defense she did not post the older threads (I did), and the original thread is now locked. I only posted them in case someone wanted to read the original post in each thread to get the backstory.

I actually like OP posting a new thread. Otherwise you'd get people who only read the first post and then comment. Instead of people reading the last post.

Most Dcum regulars easily remembered vacation wife.

PP you quoted and I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Your priority should be health insurance for you and the children - check the ACA. Your response to him should be a cal, cool, "and what do you intend to do next?"

His rent, his health insurance is not your problem. Let him clean up this mess, and you take care of you and the kids. When he gets it sorted, without your help, they'll see him again, but for now, "daddy has some things to work out, and we're starting school, so that's our focus."

If they have a temporary custody agreement, OP can't just withhold the kids from him. She can (and let's be real, she probably should) ask him not to drive the kids anywhere, given his recent DUI. Figure out a way for him to see the kids that doesn't require using him as their driver.

She doesn't have to withhold them. If he can't drive and is too broke for uber, it's unlikely that he's going to come get them.