(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him.

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop. But my kids are fine. Actually, I think it's better for them to understand that their dad is unreliable, than for me to try to muscle his flaws into not existing. Our kids shouldn't have to be this independent and self-reliant at this age, but the price is that the dysfunctional parent sacrifices a closer, more stable relationship with them as the kids are like, WTF, why can't you adult better.

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP has your boyfriend met your kids? Does he have kids? Is he also divorced? Do you honestly not see any red flags re: timing?

You need to focus on things like getting insurance for you and the kids. Leave ex and his drama of the day alone.

I was like you when I divorced. I avoided dealing with how I had picked so badly by trying to have some perfect post divorce for my kids. It’s not possible with someone as troubled as your ex and mine. Let the fantasy go.

Disengaging from ex and not dating will still leave you with plenty on your plate. But feelings and old issues will no longer be blocked by busyness. Even the kids sound overly busy.

What was your childhood like? What are the generational patterns of co-dependence in your family?

Ex may have to move back in with his family and go to rehab. Sometimes hitting bottom has to happen, but realistically, he may always be a mess. He likely has plenty of alcoholism and co-dependence in his own family history. Drop the rope, don’t try to preemptively fix problems for your kids.

Al Anon and CODA virtual meetings and literature for you. Ala Teen for kids when they are tweens.

Talk to a good lawyer re: timing of divorce and balancing shielding assets with not paying him support.

You may find that some families at school and daycare pull back, it’s not uncommon in divorce. You can’t control anyone but yourself. You need to make peace with that. Plan to be on your own as a parent, including financially. It is likely that you will need to scale back activities and that you downsize housing to ease financial pressure. If you look you will likely find something in same district, still near family, even if you rent for a while. Get your head in the game of single mom with drunk ex rather than perfect co-parent with perfect UMC life for kids. It’s not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him.

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop. But my kids are fine. Actually, I think it's better for them to understand that their dad is unreliable, than for me to try to muscle his flaws into not existing. Our kids shouldn't have to be this independent and self-reliant at this age, but the price is that the dysfunctional parent sacrifices a closer, more stable relationship with them as the kids are like, WTF, why can't you adult better.

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was helpful.

OP sounds more clueless and dependent than that she has held up everything. Her ex is clearly an alcoholic yet she wants to depend on him to drive them places? What?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop.

Same! For me it was also repeating patterns from my own childhood of being the little adult and fixer. I had promised myself that my kids would have something better and I struggled to not try to fix it all when my ex cheated, got fired, etc. I had to grapple with not feeling like I only had value by over-performing and make peace with the limits of what I could control. I felt like I was not enough and spiraled when I felt judged. After a lot of work on myself, Al Anon, etc., I have a much stronger sense of self and way better boundaries. You can’t be a good parent from where you are now, OP.

Detach from ex, don’t take sobbing calls. He has girlfriends and family and a lawyer for that. Get your assets separated with the advice of a good lawyer. A DUI that kills someone and you won’t have to worry about keeping your house or affording your activities. You are telling yourself that protecting your kids requires their father to be your focus, but you are shirking getting insurance lined up, even for yourself, and protecting assets. You are what the kids have. They need you to be stable and not spiraling. They need downtime not constant distraction. You need to face the end of the dream of your marriage and the dream of an idealized childhood for your kids.

I would not introduce men to your kids for a long time yet. It is a genuine risk. You missed flags once, your kids need you to stop the happy families games. I know several adults who were molested by stepfathers who sought out moms with young kids to date. Don’t think about remarriage. Focus on career and stability that is completely independent of ex. Call your lawyer tomorrow and get advice re: child safety and asset protection. You are likely better off finalizing than dragging things out.

[Anonymous]

What about getting a nanny, let them live (possibly low rent) your basement and then nanny share with another mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

I did too. Just . . . what.

I'm a year into separation and we will be filing imminently. It hasn't even occurred to me to start dating yet. I just have a box of vibrators lol.

And partly that's because any man who wouldn't be freaked out by the fact that we haven't filed for divorce yet seems red-flaggy to me. Anyone who wants to date me before I'm truly available in every sense has poor judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being way too helpful. He will figure his stuff out. Focus on yourself and your children.

[Anonymous]

Op has time for the kids, parent her still husband, work, heal from a Concorde that hasn’t happened yet, have a new boyfriend, and to write novellas on DCUM.


Cmon now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op has time for the kids, parent her still husband, work, heal from a Concorde that hasn’t happened yet, have a new boyfriend, and to write novellas on DCUM.


Cmon now.

I think OP is probably only accomplishing like 30% of that list but she is excellent at denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him.

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop. But my kids are fine. Actually, I think it's better for them to understand that their dad is unreliable, than for me to try to muscle his flaws into not existing. Our kids shouldn't have to be this independent and self-reliant at this age, but the price is that the dysfunctional parent sacrifices a closer, more stable relationship with them as the kids are like, WTF, why can't you adult better.

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was helpful.

OP, also speaking from experience…. I know you think you can fix this enough that you can maintain the mirage of a nice, stable dad for your kids, but it’s actually more important for their long term health that they see people for who they are - you don’t have to actively draw their attention to the ways in which their dad’s behavior harms them but nor should you be hiding it or putting effort into hiding it or dressing it up to be something better.

My kids are much like a PPs - it was painful to hear dad couldn’t organize himself to consider proper meals, picking kids up, prioritizing them, etc. bu5 that is who he is. They think he’s unreliable because he is. That isn’t a me problem (except to the extent that I picked him and stayed wit( him propping him up for far too long).

As another PP said. Grey rock and put whatever energy you were going to spend on him into yourself and the kids. They will be a bit sad about him but they will grow up to be more mature and independent than their peers.

[Anonymous]

OP, focus on your kids and your new job. Let the ex and the boyfriend go. You picked very badly once and got right into a rebound only ONE MONTH later. You are as much of a mess as your ex is. Own that and stop the distractions, denial and performance.

You have a LOT of work to do on your codependence and family of origin issues. You got with ex for reasons, same with being overly involved now. You say it’s all about your kids, more likely that the roots are in your own childhood.

Stop with all the activities and the too big house. You likely can’t afford an au pair nor can you take more risk with an illegal rental. Find a 2 bedroom, maybe in a basement rental. Go to ground, get solid financially, and get your head on straight. Have comms with ex go through a court approved app. With any luck he will be told by his lawyer to go to rehab. It would be a lucky break if he goes to live with his parents for a time.

Do not introduce men to your kids.

You are are a single mom with an addicted, lying, cheating spouse, in over your head financially. Own it. Get stable, on your own 2 feet, no men for at least a year or 2 after divorce is finalized. No crutches or distractions.

[Anonymous]

You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person.

This bears repeating.

Adults don't need other adults to facilitate their relationships with their own children. And attempting to do it is just enabling his dysfunction/addiction/incompetence.

[Anonymous]

OP, disengage from him and focus on your own finances, job and relationship with kids. Call your lawyer this week to talk about shielding assets if he kills someone while divorce is pending and how best to attempt to keep kids safe. You need to drop your enmeshment and your focus on his potential.

If his life rebounds it likely won’t be soon. You are not helping him, yourself or the kids with your codependence. Find an online Al Anon meeting tonight.

[Anonymous]

What did your lawyer recommend?