(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

I also think he moved out October 2023 and she began dating someone this past December - 2024

Nope. This is from one of the prior threads. He moved out November 4, 2024. If OP is to be believed. So really ONE month later OP has a serious boyfriend.

[Post New]11/05/2024 07:52Subject: Vacation wife here. 4 month update
Anonymous
Wow PP this may be the most timely bump ever in dcum history because he moved out yesterday. Literally saw this bump as I woke up without him here for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-
He started acting depressed Jan 2020
Made worse by the pandemic March 2020
Affair was Feb 2020 til I found out in Jan 2023
I was devastated and got into therapy, he got into therapy and was really trying it appeared.
October 2023 I caught him texted his exgf and I kicked him out.

Between Jan 2020 - October 2023 there was around 5 or 6 instances of binge drinking- a work christmas party + bar after, a hang out with his best childhood guy friend, a wedding, and then 2 or 3 random times.

Those were all spread out enough over 4 years that it didn't feel or register to me as a major issue.

Since he moved out in October, there was one day in December he went to a guys poker night and I heard he was drunk from a mutual friend. But he didn't have the kids and it didn't really raise any red flags for me. Then the DUi happened in June.

Maybe I handled things incorrectly or was used to all my friends' husbands being drunk occassionally or was too preoccupied with the other things (cheating, job searching, parenting etc) to focus in on that.

All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad. But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

All I can be is honest and this is certainly not how I thought my life would end up and i am happy for everyone else who has it easier than I do, and I hope that my sharing can be beneficial to someone else who is struggling.

As for dating- I didn't intend to at all. I accidentally met someone. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, patient person I can imagine. He has become a true friend, confidant, and safe place for me. I have told him a million times that I will absolutely be understanding if this is too much and we have taken everything very slow. Maybe I'm still being selfish.

Huh? Explain this post of yours then:

[Post New]11/05/2024 07:52Subject: Vacation wife here. 4 month update
Anonymous
Wow PP this may be the most timely bump ever in dcum history because he moved out yesterday. Literally saw this bump as I woke up without him here for the first time.

[Anonymous]

I assume she meant 2024 and it was a typo. But yeah, 1 month before starting to see the new guy.

[Anonymous]

Op here sorry it was Oct 2024. He started moving stuff last week of Oct and started sleeping there first week of Nov.

And yep, I met someone by accident in December and it has been a very slow process. I've been completely honest with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-
He started acting depressed Jan 2020
Made worse by the pandemic March 2020
Affair was Feb 2020 til I found out in Jan 2023
I was devastated and got into therapy, he got into therapy and was really trying it appeared.
October 2023 I caught him texted his exgf and I kicked him out.

Between Jan 2020 - October 2023 there was around 5 or 6 instances of binge drinking- a work christmas party + bar after, a hang out with his best childhood guy friend, a wedding, and then 2 or 3 random times.

Those were all spread out enough over 4 years that it didn't feel or register to me as a major issue.

Since he moved out in October, there was one day in December he went to a guys poker night and I heard he was drunk from a mutual friend. But he didn't have the kids and it didn't really raise any red flags for me. Then the DUi happened in June.

Maybe I handled things incorrectly or was used to all my friends' husbands being drunk occassionally or was too preoccupied with the other things (cheating, job searching, parenting etc) to focus in on that.

All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad. But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

All I can be is honest and this is certainly not how I thought my life would end up and i am happy for everyone else who has it easier than I do, and I hope that my sharing can be beneficial to someone else who is struggling.

As for dating- I didn't intend to at all. I accidentally met someone. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, patient person I can imagine. He has become a true friend, confidant, and safe place for me. I have told him a million times that I will absolutely be understanding if this is too much and we have taken everything very slow. Maybe I'm still being selfish.

I'm the person who asked "what the hell happened?" This is so sad, it's almost banal, but wow. He completely self-destructed. I'm really sorry. I really was rooting for you guys, you seem grounded. I can get how someone gets a little depressed, starts sexting (I'm not saying it's right), having a little too much "fun" (drinking culture is out of control)... but to get to the point now, alcoholic, no license, jobless, about to lose his home and (possibly) custody of his kids. To not have insurance for his kids!!! To not be able to drive himself to a job interview!!! He may not even pass the background check because it's so recent. He's completely screwed, it's definitely not because he drove drunk ONE time and just happened to get caught.

Many of your younger siblings, cousins, and friends will see the same play out.

I respect you for giving it your all and fighting through it, while he folded like a deck of cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here sorry it was Oct 2024. He started moving stuff last week of Oct and started sleeping there first week of Nov.

And yep, I met someone by accident in December and it has been a very slow process. I've been completely honest with him.

Be careful, OP. I don’t know how you’ll be able to continue to take it slow while needing to be the sole responsible parent. And while you may think he seems great, you once thought your ex was a great guy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Yeah, the activities part seemed like an odd priority to me for a 4 and 7 year old. Playdates, trips to the park, zoo, yes -- keep doing those things. But dance lessons, soccer, or whatever? That doesn't need to be a priority for kids this young during this chaos.

I think OP has a vision of a divorce where the kids suffer no impact and it’s important to her to maintain complete stability with both parents involved 50%, doing things the same exact way. That’s not divorce, though. She has to let that sh&t go.

This rang true for me. OP- how about it? Were you hoping for a fairytale divorce situation? I am not judging. You’ve worked hard and done amazing things and may now be newly, justifiably pissed that even in effing DIVORCE, he cannot get his act together.

So now, when the internet people are saying, what the heck are you thinking? Don’t let him move in!, it’s especially hard! My god, you’ve come so far. It isn’t fair.

And it’s not fair. And I’m sorry that things are going to get hard again before they get better. But you know in your heart that letting him move in is a bad idea. And that letting him drive your kids is a bad idea. And that you need to buy your kids’ own health insurance.

But now you are going to have to accept that. And own it. And yes it’s unfair.

But you should- imo-

Don’t let him move in or pay any money for his housing or anything else
Get your divorce finalized
See a financial advisor
Stop contributing to 529s
Buy cheapest healthcare on the exchange
Keep sending kid to daycare but ease up on pricey activities without making a huge thing of it
Massively scale back on other optional expenditures - you can’t live like you used to, whatever that means (and it’s unfair and it’s his fault! But it has to happen if you want to keep your kid in preK… but look for a cheaper one for next year if she won’t be in kindergarten by then)

Good luck. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault but now you are at a point where you have to make some decisions and they must prioritize you and your kids.

Op here. I'm 35, I don't know anyone divorced. Most of my friends are pregnant with or just had their 3rd babies. I'm the oldest out of my siblings/cousins- they are all engaged or newly married. I did work on in therapy that I have navigated life until now assuming everyone is perceiving life with the same morals, values, and goals as me. I guess I did envision two happy homes for the kids during divorce.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me.

I don’t think you have to give up on the idea of a happy home. You have a happy home! And the kids will always have their dad, flawed though he is.

But you can’t control how he makes his home with them. And it seems like, right now at least, he can’t make a home with them at all. He needs to do his own thing- find a job he can get to via public transportation, an apartment, or move home with his family.

Your kids would miss him, sure, but you’d be sure to tell them that he doesn’t love this situation either, and maybe it’ll be different soon, but oh well, let’s go to the park! Kids are resilient and you are a good mom and they’ll be okay.

So it might be rocky and hard for a bit now, but you’ll get through it. Let yourself grieve for the idea you had of how this would look. Because of the DUI and job loss things have changed.

Please do hear everyone on here and take steps- like today- to finalize the divorce, see a financial advisor, and get health insurance. You’ll have to economize- which sucks! you just got a raise! - but you can do it and the kids might not even notice too much. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You need a therapist and a diary for this saga.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

I also think he moved out October 2023 and she began dating someone this past December - 2024

Nope. This is from one of the prior threads. He moved out November 4, 2024. If OP is to be believed. So really ONE month later OP has a serious boyfriend.

[Post New]11/05/2024 07:52Subject: Vacation wife here. 4 month update
Anonymous
Wow PP this may be the most timely bump ever in dcum history because he moved out yesterday. Literally saw this bump as I woke up without him here for the first time.

Wait .. Horrible Husband has been out of the home for less than a year 😩

[Anonymous]

Sit and be fit, OP. None of these problems are yours, other than finding health insurance. You help your kids adjust to whatever new facts his childish behavior subjects them to. It is not your job to stop him from the childish behavior. Don’t drive him anywhere, don’t move him into your house, don’t move his stuff from place A to place B.

Are you absolutely sure that a job paying $130k a year has no health insurance options at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit and be fit, OP. None of these problems are yours, other than finding health insurance. You help your kids adjust to whatever new facts his childish behavior subjects them to. It is not your job to stop him from the childish behavior. Don’t drive him anywhere, don’t move him into your house, don’t move his stuff from place A to place B.

Are you absolutely sure that a job paying $130k a year has no health insurance options at all?

Yes, it was even acknowledged in my job offer to confirm that I understand it is not offered at this time. I didn't think it was that big of a deal because the kids were on his BCBS and I was planning to just get a marketplace plan for myself. I got a $50k raise and work from home with a good amount of flexibility. So it was worth it for me.

I do have a company that has been trying to hire me for a year and I am having a call with them tomorrow to receive a job offer. Im 99% sure they're going to match the $130k but im going to look at the benefits. However, I'll have to weigh the fact that I love my current company and its flexibility with those factors being unknown at a new job.

I also have a meeting Friday with a marketplace representative.

The cobra information is being mailed to my house.

[Anonymous]

Your STBX is not your problem. I also wouldn’t let the kids ride with him. He’s a cheater, with an AP and a DUI. He worries about his own crappy decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit and be fit, OP. None of these problems are yours, other than finding health insurance. You help your kids adjust to whatever new facts his childish behavior subjects them to. It is not your job to stop him from the childish behavior. Don’t drive him anywhere, don’t move him into your house, don’t move his stuff from place A to place B.

Are you absolutely sure that a job paying $130k a year has no health insurance options at all?

+1. Get some health insurance and get a tenant for the in-law suite if you’re financially strapped. Don’t let the ex back in. I personally wouldn’t let him drive kids around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-
He started acting depressed Jan 2020
Made worse by the pandemic March 2020
Affair was Feb 2020 til I found out in Jan 2023
I was devastated and got into therapy, he got into therapy and was really trying it appeared.
October 2023 I caught him texted his exgf and I kicked him out.

Between Jan 2020 - October 2023 there was around 5 or 6 instances of binge drinking- a work christmas party + bar after, a hang out with his best childhood guy friend, a wedding, and then 2 or 3 random times.

Those were all spread out enough over 4 years that it didn't feel or register to me as a major issue.

Since he moved out in October, there was one day in December he went to a guys poker night and I heard he was drunk from a mutual friend. But he didn't have the kids and it didn't really raise any red flags for me. Then the DUi happened in June.

Maybe I handled things incorrectly or was used to all my friends' husbands being drunk occassionally or was too preoccupied with the other things (cheating, job searching, parenting etc) to focus in on that.

All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad.[b] But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

All I can be is honest and this is certainly not how I thought my life would end up and i am happy for everyone else who has it easier than I do, and I hope that my sharing can be beneficial to someone else who is struggling.

As for dating- I didn't intend to at all. I accidentally met someone. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, patient person I can imagine. He has become a true friend, confidant, and safe place for me. I have told him a million times that I will absolutely be understanding if this is too much and we have taken everything very slow. Maybe I'm still being selfish.

You know better .. These people absolutely do not. Further, why are all these people in your business?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, I’m a little embarrassed and did a deep dive here on this because these post are just so long and a lot. There are so many inconsistencies throughout from the very beginning- she admitted to writing a post before the affair post about many instances of secret drinking, she has family all around her in one set of posts, now her inlaws live in a different town and she has no one? While some things are oddly specific, it’s just a lot of inconsistencies to all be true.