(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.
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Anonymous
This makes me feel sad that you lived with him for almost two years after the affair. That sounds horrible. I am sorry. |
Anonymous
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Do NOT let him move into the basement. No way.
Follow your lawyer’s advice on this because you do not want to wind up paying this guy spousal support. I didn’t read this entire thread, so I don’t know what industry he’s in or how employable he is. I’m sure the DUI doesn’t help. But even if he has to get some kind of minor job, he has to find something and work. It is definitely not your job to give him emotional support through this latest development. It sounds like you’ve done a good job making progress for yourself and your kids, and that is the only thing you should be focusing on. |
Anonymous
My in laws sold their house and built an out of state retirement home. I definitely changed some details in earlier posts because I didn't want to be identified but honestly have up with that because I received a ton of thoughtful feedback that was extemely valuable to me at the time when I wasn't really telling anyone what was going on. My extended family is all around me. |
Anonymous
| Gave up* |
Anonymous
| update? |
Anonymous
OP, take it fwiw I don’t know you or the guy you are seeing but like others, alarm bells are going off for me. You are in an extremely vulnerable place right now and you have young children. It’s horrible to say but also the truth that many men look for women in exactly your situation bc they want to get to your child or children. Do not be naive. Let’s be honest you have a lot going on and it is all quite recent. The BF may be well intentioned but most men are not going to step into your situation right now unless there is something that makes it interesting for them. Not saying that you will never find someone and will end up alone forever, far from it! But the timing right here is suspect. You have done so much to try to salvage your children’s sense of stability and happiness and build anew from the wreckage don’t risk everything by being blind to potential risks to your children’s wellbeing. Even if this man is well intentioned, I think you need to focus all of your energy right now on understanding why and how you ended up with your DH and being sure you will not make another mistake. It’s all way too soon. |
Anonymous
| I only read the first six pages- but why has no one suggested Al Anon for this OP?! Stop trying to keep him from failing, keeping him propped up will only extend this. He should also go to AA where they can call him out on his BS. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.
Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says. It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means. I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it. Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency? I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I wrote the response directly above and that was my thought too. On the day he left me, I told my stbx that he had a drinking problem. He said, "Thank you so much for telling me," like I had said something really nice. Um, OK. I told him he couldn't drive our kids if he'd been drinking. We put it in our separation agreement. My kids know not to drive with him if he's had more than two drinks. There's nothing else I can do. I can't make him stop drinking. He hasn't faced any consequences (directly) for it yet. I did have 48 hours a couple of months ago where I felt like I should write him a letter about it. I spent some time writing the letter. "You say you don't always see things clearly . . ." Then I realized, no. I already told him this. I'm just frustrated that my speech didn't magically fix him, so now I'm going to try again. No. There's no point. The urge to send him a letter passed. I think it was also part of the grief process, that I never got the emotional consideration/apology/empathy/remorse that I deserve for all that he did and didn't do. But I'm really coming to know, deep down in my bones, that it doesn't matter. That nothing he could say or do would make the situation better. That my closure is in accepting his flaws and the impact they had on my life. I don't need to forgive him or help him or teach him. And I know I've detached because I just really don't care. I don't care that he's taking his girlfriend on a trip we were going to take. I don't care when he asks for updates about stuff in my life . . . I don't wish him ill, but I don't respect him or his opinion, so I don't see any point in chatting with him. It's fine, we have a history, we share a love of our amazing children. But his path is his and mine is mine. You've got to let him go, OP. |
Anonymous
I can relate to OP in that it took me a long time (and being blindsided with a separation) to figure out just how chaotic my stbx is. I get the sense that OP is also really good at looking down the road and anticipating problems. I focused so much on the positives and giving grace that I just didn't see him for the self-absorbed man-child that he is. He was always so convinced that he carried us and I was a non-factor. So it's been kind of delicious to watch his world implode as he eliminates me from the equation. He immediately (I mean immediately . . . 4 days after he suddenly left me) bought himself an expensive house which was a terrible decision because he didn't know how our finances would be split and he also wanted to keep our vacation home. He didn't catch the basement flooding issue on the inspection and the house has a mold problem, which triggered an autoimmune disease that made all the skin on his face fall off. 
We had to get lawyers because he would not budge on insisting that I accept these weird investments that he always said were a huge disappointment, so that was more stress and time and money. Yesterday we chatted about back to school night and he said, "Oh by the way, it's a good thing I kept those investments because they've been a total headache, and they changed something so I had to invest more money just to have it retain its value, and I'm really glad I saved you from dealing with that." And I was like, right right, sure, you are the hero in this situation in which you first made a bad investment and then triggered an expensive, less amicable divorce, only "saving me" because I held firm and refused what you were trying to dump on me. Like that's just how he views the world . . . he's a hero, and all the bad stuff that happens to him is just random and unpredictable. His best friend chose me in the divorce, he's broken bones, a tooth fell out when he bit into a taco, he's started going bald, our kids think he's an incompetent idiot, his skin FELL OFF, he can't afford to get divorced (he's a super high earner, he's just a fool about what he does with it), his has flooding issues in both his attic and his basement, and the dog keeps peeing on his rug (ruining the 100 year old hardwoods underneath), but true to his personality, he simply doesn't believe the pee is happening. My daughter always reports to me: "Well, the dog is peeing on the rug every day, but Daddy thinks he isn't." Um right, I remember that guy clearly, the one who simply refused to believe anything inconvenient, and would look at me like I was some psycho who wanted the dog to be peeing on the rugs just so I could have something to talk about, I guess. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said I was happy in my marriage. We didn't fight, we had a good sex life, we had fun together. I was just in total denial about what a complete doofus he is. That's how I dealt with the stress of living with someone who was always trying to derail our lives . . . I just anticipated how things would go wrong and headed them off at the pass. I soothed, I encouraged, I absorbed all his complaints. I mean, it is hilarious that this man left me. For a female version of himself who is definitely not going to manage his life for him! And I was so sad, and I cried so much. I really was. But my god this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. When he told me about the investment I said, "Well I have impeccable instincts." [Mic drop.] And he chuckled nervously. 
Sorry, I don't have my kids this weekend and have lots of time to write a novel! But the point is, I simply couldn't see how stressful the marriage was for me. My doctor (for my chronic illness management) said to me the other week, "Now I don't want to say that you are thriving because I know that divorce is hard, but you really seem to be doing so well on so many metrics. Do you think it's possible that your husband is a narcissist?" |
Anonymous
With every chapter of this saga it becomes clear that OP both shielded her STBX from the consequences of his actions and ignored or covered them too. |
Anonymous
Forget dating, OP. Al Anon and Coda for you. You are an enmeshed mesh. No therapist is going to be able to offset the terrible example you are providing for your kids. Do not do an illegal rental, that will also come back to bite you. Did either of your parents have a drinking problem or other addiction? This is not just about this guy. |
Anonymous
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All these excuses NOT to leave these lying drunk cheating men alone Telling. |
Anonymous
The logistics have changed, OP can’t afford a sitter and will likely have kids more. OP, in all kindness, a healthy man would not have gotten involved in this given the timing. Has he met your kids? Given that you have family nearby is there a college aged or YA relative who might want to move in for cheap rent in exchange for help w/childcare and driving? |
Anonymous
My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him. |