(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The history, for anyone who doesn't know it

Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1280637.page

Vacation wife here. 4 month update
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1130437.page

Original post/thread:
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

OMFG. Stop starting multiple threads. No, we are not going to go through and click on all those links are read them.

Start ONE thread, and then update the FIRST thread.

You focus on supporting yourself and your kids. NO you do not let your loser husband move back in. HE handles that. You do NOT give him child support and alimony. Get a good lawyer WHO REPRESENTS YOU ONLY if you don't have one. Don't fall for that amicable mediation crap.

And stop starting multiple threads on the same topic.

In OP's defense she did not post the older threads (I did), and the original thread is now locked. I only posted them in case someone wanted to read the original post in each thread to get the backstory.

I actually like OP posting a new thread. Otherwise you'd get people who only read the first post and then comment. Instead of people reading the last post.

Most Dcum regulars easily remembered vacation wife.

PP you quoted and I agree.

Agree..

[Anonymous]

You are both bad with money. Forget about the 529 for now. Rent out the basement for someone else.
He should get a job (delivery, restaurants) when you are home and watch his child when you are at work.
He can rent a studio somewhere nearby.
My ex was going to lose his license after his DUI, but the courts forgot about it or didn't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The history, for anyone who doesn't know it

Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1280637.page

Vacation wife here. 4 month update
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1130437.page

Original post/thread:
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

OMFG. Stop starting multiple threads. No, we are not going to go through and click on all those links are read them.

Start ONE thread, and then update the FIRST thread.

You focus on supporting yourself and your kids. NO you do not let your loser husband move back in. HE handles that. You do NOT give him child support and alimony. Get a good lawyer WHO REPRESENTS YOU ONLY if you don't have one. Don't fall for that amicable mediation crap.

And stop starting multiple threads on the same topic.

In OP's defense she did not post the older threads (I did), and the original thread is now locked. I only posted them in case someone wanted to read the original post in each thread to get the backstory.

I actually like OP posting a new thread. Otherwise you'd get people who only read the first post and then comment. Instead of people reading the last post.

Most Dcum regulars easily remembered vacation wife.

PP you quoted and I agree.

NP. Also agree. A few people become memorable or allow themselves to become so. Multiple threads makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are both bad with money. Forget about the 529 for now. Rent out the basement for someone else.
He should get a job (delivery, restaurants) when you are home and watch his child when you are at work.
He can rent a studio somewhere nearby.
My ex was going to lose his license after his DUI, but the courts forgot about it or didn't want to do it.

How is he going to get a delivery job if he can’t drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus.

DON'T START A NEW THREAD. UPDATE THE OLD ONE.

No one knows what the hell you are talking about and no one wants to go back a search for an old thread.

I know what she's talking about.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

They don't offer it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any sense, OP, if this was a true layoff (lots of folks getting downsized) or targeted to him?

He said his supervisor told him that several people on the team were being affected as part of a re-org. But who knows, liars lie.

A lot of people are being laid off in tech right now. Apparently Oracle is letting go of a lot of their workforce this week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

They don't offer it

What kind of job do you have that pays over $100k but doesn’t offer access to health insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

They don't offer it

What kind of job do you have that pays over $100k but doesn’t offer access to health insurance?

Software company with 40 employees. It's only required to be offered by companies with 50 or more employees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

She’s more or less very enmeshed with her husband. This man is very, very messy. I’m shocked she is dating somehow.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Get health insurance for yourself and the kids. You are almost divorced, you were going to need to insure yourself somehow, so get going on that.

NO you do not move him back in or illegally rent an apartment for extra money or whatever. That in no way makes things more stable for your children! He is a grown adult and can get himself out of this mess. He has some severance and if he got downsized vs fired, hopefully he can get another job soon. Or start working at Amazon or bagging groceries and taking the bus. Do not pull your kid out of day care to spend the day with her non-driving alcoholic father who needs to be spending his time job hunting.

You seem awfully dramatic and are blowing this out of proportion. Get the divorce finalized, you likely won’t owe alimony, and let him figure out his mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Do you believe he hasn't drank since the DUI? He just randomly lost his job, after cheating, going through a divorce, getting a DUI, this just coincidentally happened? I don't believe that at all.

I would not move him in. He needs to figure out how to support himself. He better not ask for alimony or child support after pulling all this sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

They don't offer it

What kind of job do you have that pays over $100k but doesn’t offer access to health insurance?

Software company with 40 employees. It's only required to be offered by companies with 50 or more employees.

This sounds fake in less you are a contractor. They all offer benefits.

[Anonymous]

And you really should not fixate on him driving the kids until he has a proven year of sobriety. You want vodka daddy driving? Just say no. Figure out your childcare arrangements and let him uber to see them. He will get unemployment if not he was fired for cause.