At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?

[Anonymous]

Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to paying for college and yes to contributing to a wedding.

Yes to helping with small costs after they graduate college- stay on family health plan, phone plan etc.

I would expect my children to be able to pay for their own living expenses. I don’t want to do anything that hinders their own agency and motivation.

I have seen too many of my friends who were supported financially fizzle and never amount to anything professional.

I will always be available in a crisis though. I want them know they have someone they can lean on, if need be.

This has been our approach as well. We feel strongly that our kids need to live within their means. Friends who have given too much often yield kids who expect more at every stage and who are not able to live within their own means and save accordingly.

+1 Agree with all of this. I have a few friends, contributing to keeping their kids afloat to keep up with their peers in DC and NYC. They give them monthly stipends so that they can live in better New York neighborhoods, have nice handbags, gym memberships and buy them plane tickets so they can travel with the pack. But I know they don’t have millions more for houses and weddings and grad schools for multiple kids. These are the types of parents that scrape to pay for a liberal arts degree at expensive private schools and then smirk and say “we got undergrad, grad school is on them”. Their mid twenties kids with Liberal Arts degrees and luke warm drive are not in high paying jobs, but they are snobby and entitled and immature. They don’t want to take on debt, or grind to get ahead. In this dubious scenario, a rich spouse, from an even richer family, becomes the unspoken plan to save the day. This plan unravels quickly. When your 28 year old is single, on their third low paying job, and still has three roommates - and you’re still buying the train tickets and gym membership and want to retire, it gets uncomfortable. To independently support yourself in todays world - even for the solidly middle class, is not easy without the right credentials and circumstances. It takes a lot of long term planning and grit - even more so for a single person. MC/UMC Parents should not sugar coat how hard it is - and maybe the true plan should not be pretending to keep up, but being proudly independent where you can afford.

[Anonymous]

They are mostly self sufficient. We pay cell phone as the family plan makes sense over all. They can stay in our health insurance till 26. We pay for trips home because we want to see them. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

Does this bother you? It bothers me so much I have considered divorcing over it, as I don't know if there is any other path to retirement for me. We have retirement funds which would be enough for 95% of Amerucans to retire comfortably, but DH will never not overspend. First it was on his parents and other housing related stuff we don't actually need, now its still his parents and our adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

Does this bother you? It bothers me so much I have considered divorcing over it, as I don't know if there is any other path to retirement for me. We have retirement funds which would be enough for 95% of Amerucans to retire comfortably, but DH will never not overspend. First it was on his parents and other housing related stuff we don't actually need, now its still his parents and our adult kids.

Wouldn’t bother me. They are our kids and we love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? It didn't. I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc? No, but I didn't have to. All of these events occurred well before we turned 65, in fact we're not even 65 yet, and we covered all of this for all the kids before and after retiring early.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it? We haven't had these issues because we have generally always have had the same approach to helping the kids. The one difference of opinion I can think of was I was once more hesitant to provide the down payment to one of the kids, but really there was no reason not to and I came around quickly.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? Our entire family is local, so this isn't an issue. But when we get together we typically cover the bulk of the cost.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? We don't vacation that way, but when we do vacation we'll cover the accommodations but not the airfare and we'll all chip in for everything else.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? We're all local, not an issue. But we lend our cars all the time.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? Again, we paid for all this already and still retired early, and we did it for all of them.


OP, I don't know how old you are or how old your kids are or what kind of relationship you all have. And my impression is that your kids are spoiled. My advice would be to sit down with a financial advisor and sketch out your retirement with your spouse present and do it face to face. Then stick to your plan and your budget. But I would never in a million years agree to a plan that keeps you working after 65 for the benefit of further assisting your able-bodied kids. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

Does this bother you? It bothers me so much I have considered divorcing over it, as I don't know if there is any other path to retirement for me. We have retirement funds which would be enough for 95% of Amerucans to retire comfortably, but DH will never not overspend. First it was on his parents and other housing related stuff we don't actually need, now its still his parents and our adult kids.

Wouldn’t bother me. They are our kids and we love them.

It wouldn’t bother you that you jeopardize your own retirement to subsidize your kids?

I’m not sure you really were responding to what PP was saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had a good system in my opinion -

He would pay for up to five years of education.
If you got scholarships, he would pay you some of that back in cash when you graduate as money to help with something like a car down payment. Since your college funds were not fully depleted. I received about $15K.
No other help on house, expenses, etc. - no money whatsoever
Once every few years, if we do a family trip, he will pay for everyone.

Clear boundaries and I knew there was no money coming. I was very motivated and strategic in my career because I knew I had to make money.

Who can pay to provide financial leg up to their children? Only people who have the money. And money is earned many a times (not in every case) by some inherent privilege that gives the people an advantage over others.

We are not privileged or connected people. A debt-free college education was the least that we could give them. But we planned for state college and STEM majors. We did not fund for private college and non-employable majors.

My kids are well aware that the money that we give is not endless and they have to stand on their own two feet in the end. But, our help goes a long way in leveling the playing field for them. They also know that if they want to live with us without paying us any rent or board, we are fine with it. As long as they are saving and investing their money and they can take better care of their family and do better by them.

You save. We got no family help and not high income. We have told our kids to look t lower cost colleges. We will pay for grad school. We will work well past retirement age, live in a tiny crappy house and rarely take vacations as in every few years for a few days, to make it work. Education is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

Does this bother you? It bothers me so much I have considered divorcing over it, as I don't know if there is any other path to retirement for me. We have retirement funds which would be enough for 95% of Amerucans to retire comfortably, but DH will never not overspend. First it was on his parents and other housing related stuff we don't actually need, now its still his parents and our adult kids.

Wouldn’t bother me. They are our kids and we love them.

It wouldn’t bother you that you jeopardize your own retirement to subsidize your kids?

I’m not sure you really were responding to what PP was saying.

What does this mean? I’d rather less less comfortably to make sure my kids got a good education through masters. I don’t need trips, a fancy house or things. I what makes me happy is their happiness and success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

Does this bother you? It bothers me so much I have considered divorcing over it, as I don't know if there is any other path to retirement for me. We have retirement funds which would be enough for 95% of Amerucans to retire comfortably, but DH will never not overspend. First it was on his parents and other housing related stuff we don't actually need, now its still his parents and our adult kids.

Wouldn’t bother me. They are our kids and we love them.

It wouldn’t bother you that you jeopardize your own retirement to subsidize your kids?

I’m not sure you really were responding to what PP was saying.

What does this mean? I’d rather less less comfortably to make sure my kids got a good education through masters. I don’t need trips, a fancy house or things. I what makes me happy is their happiness and success.

OP here. I love our kids so much I want them to be independent capable adults.

The issue with the adult kid stuff is that it's the next wave of DH overspending and making himself a martyr. This all started over 30 years ago. I thought there was an end in sight as his parents are getting old fast now, but now there's a new wave with adult kids. Then there will be grandkids. He will never be able to retire. There will always be financial stress in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like the buck should stop there. It did for me; for my spouse, it stopped at 18.

FYI, that expression doesn't mean what you think it does.

"The saying "the buck stops here" derives from the slang expression "pass the buck" which means passing the responsibility on to someone else."

https://www.trumanlibrary.gov/education/trivia/buck-stops-here-sign

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to paying for college and yes to contributing to a wedding.

Yes to helping with small costs after they graduate college- stay on family health plan, phone plan etc.

I would expect my children to be able to pay for their own living expenses. I don’t want to do anything that hinders their own agency and motivation.

I have seen too many of my friends who were supported financially fizzle and never amount to anything professional.

I will always be available in a crisis though. I want them know they have someone they can lean on, if need be.

This has been our approach as well. We feel strongly that our kids need to live within their means. Friends who have given too much often yield kids who expect more at every stage and who are not able to live within their own means and save accordingly.

+1 Agree with all of this. I have a few friends, contributing to keeping their kids afloat to keep up with their peers in DC and NYC. They give them monthly stipends so that they can live in better New York neighborhoods, have nice handbags, gym memberships and buy them plane tickets so they can travel with the pack. But I know they don’t have millions more for houses and weddings and grad schools for multiple kids. These are the types of parents that scrape to pay for a liberal arts degree at expensive private schools and then smirk and say “we got undergrad, grad school is on them”. Their mid twenties kids with Liberal Arts degrees and luke warm drive are not in high paying jobs, but they are snobby and entitled and immature. They don’t want to take on debt, or grind to get ahead. In this dubious scenario, a rich spouse, from an even richer family, becomes the unspoken plan to save the day. This plan unravels quickly. When your 28 year old is single, on their third low paying job, and still has three roommates - and you’re still buying the train tickets and gym membership and want to retire, it gets uncomfortable. To independently support yourself in todays world - even for the solidly middle class, is not easy without the right credentials and circumstances. It takes a lot of long term planning and grit - even more so for a single person. MC/UMC Parents should not sugar coat how hard it is - and maybe the true plan should not be pretending to keep up, but being proudly independent where you can afford.

This is oddly specific. You know too much about OPP. My guess is you also revel in judging them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

1. No. I would not work past 62 to pay for grad school/wedding/down payment. I would work past 62 to pay for medical issues.
2. I would have separate finances and give them a stipend to spend any way they want and protect the rest from their spending.
3. Visit me.. I pay for their plane ticket if I ask them to visit and I pay for all meals we eat together. They come home to visit friends, I do not pay the ticket or the meals not eaten with me.
4. If they vacation with me, I pay for everything. I even let my brother use my car when he visits, so yes they can use my car. If there is a conflict they UBER.
5. Sure if I'm not using the car, Uber if I am using the car.
6. Yes if I don't work past 62, no otherwise. I paid for 1 graduate school which was only about $20K out of my pocket. Ill make it up to the younger sibling in one way or another like I paid for their car down payment and I paid some of their undergrad student loans. (We could pay all of it but we wanted our kids to pay $10K of their own loans, the younger one only paid $5K)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

1. No. I would not work past 62 to pay for grad school/wedding/down payment. I would work past 62 to pay for medical issues.
2. I would have separate finances and give them a stipend to spend any way they want and protect the rest from their spending.
3. Visit me.. I pay for their plane ticket if I ask them to visit and I pay for all meals we eat together. They come home to visit friends, I do not pay the ticket or the meals not eaten with me.
4. If they vacation with me, I pay for everything. I even let my brother use my car when he visits, so yes they can use my car. If there is a conflict they UBER.
5. Sure if I'm not using the car, Uber if I am using the car.
6. Yes if I don't work past 62, no otherwise. I paid for 1 graduate school which was only about $20K out of my pocket. Ill make it up to the younger sibling in one way or another like I paid for their car down payment and I paid some of their undergrad student loans. (We could pay all of it but we wanted our kids to pay $10K of their own loans, the younger one only paid $5K)

Can you imagine a 50+ year old man, whose always done things his own way, agreeing to a stipend? Maybe at the threat of divorce, but no one likes to give or receive ultimatums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to paying for college and yes to contributing to a wedding.

Yes to helping with small costs after they graduate college- stay on family health plan, phone plan etc.

I would expect my children to be able to pay for their own living expenses. I don’t want to do anything that hinders their own agency and motivation.

I have seen too many of my friends who were supported financially fizzle and never amount to anything professional.

I will always be available in a crisis though. I want them know they have someone they can lean on, if need be.

This has been our approach as well. We feel strongly that our kids need to live within their means. Friends who have given too much often yield kids who expect more at every stage and who are not able to live within their own means and save accordingly.

+1 Agree with all of this. I have a few friends, contributing to keeping their kids afloat to keep up with their peers in DC and NYC. They give them monthly stipends so that they can live in better New York neighborhoods, have nice handbags, gym memberships and buy them plane tickets so they can travel with the pack. But I know they don’t have millions more for houses and weddings and grad schools for multiple kids. These are the types of parents that scrape to pay for a liberal arts degree at expensive private schools and then smirk and say “we got undergrad, grad school is on them”. Their mid twenties kids with Liberal Arts degrees and luke warm drive are not in high paying jobs, but they are snobby and entitled and immature. They don’t want to take on debt, or grind to get ahead. In this dubious scenario, a rich spouse, from an even richer family, becomes the unspoken plan to save the day. This plan unravels quickly. When your 28 year old is single, on their third low paying job, and still has three roommates - and you’re still buying the train tickets and gym membership and want to retire, it gets uncomfortable. To independently support yourself in todays world - even for the solidly middle class, is not easy without the right credentials and circumstances. It takes a lot of long term planning and grit - even more so for a single person. MC/UMC Parents should not sugar coat how hard it is - and maybe the true plan should not be pretending to keep up, but being proudly independent where you can afford.

This is oddly specific. You know too much about OPP. My guess is you also revel in judging them.

This dynamic is very, very common among Private college families where undergrad is the end of the line in education.