At what cost do you help your adult kids after getting them through college?

[Anonymous]

I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

[Anonymous]

I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is insane. Talk about failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is insane. Talk about failure to launch.

Not failure to launch as much as adult kids trying to pass as much costs on to their parents as they can, and their parents are looking at setting some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

1. No for weddings or down payments; maybe for grad school, if working is not a hardship for me.
2. Luckily I don’t have this issue. If I did, I would probably go separate finances (as far as discretionary spending) with my spouse.
3. I treat them like any other guest, so “no” to airline tickets, “of course” to groceries, and “it depends” to dining out.
4. I cover joint activities that I pick. I pay if it’s my invitation.
5. Yes to use of the car, but in case of a conflict, my schedule is a priority unless we discussed it beforehand.
6. See #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is insane. Talk about failure to launch.

Not failure to launch as much as adult kids trying to pass as much costs on to their parents as they can, and their parents are looking at setting some boundaries.

So just greedy a-holes. Gotcha.

[Anonymous]

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

It does not. I am willing to work after 65 (and am still working at 65) for education. I definitely would not work to pay for weddings. I have always felt they are such a waste of money and I am not giving people my money to waste. Down payments is a probably not, but I might be convincible.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We reach agreement. Sometimes it takes coming back to the conversation a few times with days or weeks of time passing. Usually it is me who is willing to give money, but I'm not unreasonable so my spouse always comes around. As for spouse spending down assets that I didn't believe we could afford, I can truly not imagine a scenario where that happened. Maybe I'm naive, but it is so far beyond what either of us has ever done that I cannot imagine it.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

Not always. But sometimes within limits. We're driving distance from our kids. I might pay for gas, but I'm not reimbursing the easy pass and I'm not paying for their fast food on the way. I'm also not paying for anything where we are not participating as a family. I buy extra groceries and I get things I know they like, but if they want more groceries, I'm not handing over a credit card. But if we go out to eat, golf, or whatever, then I am going to pay.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

When we vacation, yes, I do cover the entire cost of the trip, with the exception of their purchases and maybe Starbucks type trips because we don't do those. But we only vacation together every few years. We do have a vacation home and when they visit, we treat it like they're visiting our house.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

We are driving distance. But, I would loan my kids my car if it wasn't inconvenient.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

Yes, if they could not afford it. But, when I hit 70, I am done, so any requests have to come soon (and there is one, for which the money is in the bank already) and they will have to make do with whatever money I can save before that point.

[Anonymous]

Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

We retired this year so, at this point, we have stopped helping them. No, we were not willing to keep working to help our kids.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

No disagreements between us so I can't tell you how to answer your question. I'd think, however, if you and your spouse are not on the same page, you have a bigger issue

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

No to airline tickets but we pay for groceries, eating out and stuff. Small dollars.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

Small stuff we cover - again eating out, entertainment..etc. Hotels/airline tickets, i expect kids to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

Yes, sure. I'd not mind if kids want to use our cars. Schedule conflict can be worked out. No big deal.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

We have always told our kids that we will pay for their education until they are "done" and we have done that - college and post college education. But we also made it clear that their wedding is on them. If they can't pay for their own wedding, they are not ready to get married. Yes, I think if younger siblings want to, you should provide equal support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

Agreed. Our parents paid for our college educations (I realize this is a hefty privilege on its own), but that was it. No down payments, cars, weddings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?
NO.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

WE ONLY HELP THE KIDS WITH FUNDS WE MUTUALLY AGREE ON.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

YES.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

WE HAVEN'T VACATIONED WITH THEM SO I DON'T KNOW.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

YES, BUT I HAVE PRIORITY IF THERE IS A CONFLICT.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

NO.

[Anonymous]

^^^ That NO refers to Question 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

What did your sister think your parents should have done given that she didn't go to grad school?

[Anonymous]

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Working after 65 for any of this, no. I'd give what I feel like I could. You don't need to pay a full wedding, but maybe $10k (or offer it up as an either or wedding/honeymoon/down payment).

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

I'd suggest financial counselling. Can you actually not afford it, or do you have hoarder mentality? An unbiased third party will give you better advice.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

If your adult child is visiting YOU, why would you make them buy their own groceries? Yes I would pay, but they usually buy a dinner our or something.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

If we're going together, yes. If they are going golfing with their friends or skiing alone then no. Basically if it's "family" then yes, if its them solo, no.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

If they are visiting and the car is available, sure. If there's a conflict I'd try to manage it, but push comes to shove the kids take an uber.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

Again, not interested in working past 65. So I wouldn't pay for this likely. It would be incredibly unfair to sink an extra $100k into one child and not pay for the others.